feeling really ugly today

I usually do ok getting through my day but i went to a meeting this morning and was sitting around this large table looking at all the pretty women i work with...all are pretty small and just prissy and i dunno pretty...i have been so down in the dumps lately about my weight most days i dont even want to brush my hair and heck sometimes i dont i put it in a bun and go to work... I have to wait to september for them to resubmit to my husbands insurance because it primary now but i just keep getting more and more sad...i am so scared that this will never happen and i will feel stuck in this body for the rest of my life...somedays i feel like i am in a cage but i cant rip my way out...i dont know what to do my husband tells me im beautiful but i dont feel beautiful... Why did i waste so much time before actually trying to get this surgery...i am almost 40 and i feel like i have missed out on so much... I feel like a failure to my kids and my husband but most importatly to myself.. i do believe that we all have a purpose...i just dont want to feel this way any longer... Am i the only one that goes thru this.. cant talk to my husband he dosent understand he loves me n try to make me feel better but he does not understand i think if i get to have this surgery once i do get some weight off and i know this sounds silly but i want one of those ankle bracelets lol i see some women wearing them and ive never been able to cuz my legs are fat and they just look weird but i want one lol

No, my friend, you're not the only one who feels that way.  USE these feelings to build up your resolve to change and be the person you want to be! 

All you can do is pick up where you are now and do what you can to reclaim your life.  You can try NOW to avoid eating some foods, to eat more lean, dense protein, to get some exercise.  Take this time to educate yourself fully about what you can expect postop and really embrace the lifestyle change that you will need to make to get the best results from the surgery.

The time element is what it is.  Doing this before age 40 is much better than doing it at age 54, as I did, but I can share that I enjoy just about every day now as I break further and further out of the prison of excess weight I had built around myself.

And yes, I rock an ankle bracelet.  ;)  You will, too. 

Thanks for posting this.  I'm sure you have helped others by posting so honestly.  I know you have helped me. 

Can I suggest that maybe you take advantage of any EAP benefits & talk to someone about your self-image?

Having a really negative self-image can interfere with your drive to succeed after surgery, especially as you go through what I've been calling the "wearing a Shar-pei suit" phase.

Not having the desire to at least look presentable can be a sign of depression...if your insurance requires a mental health assessment you may want to be able to show that you're taking steps to deal with the underlying depression - losing weight doesn't make all our depression disappear.

 

Dear Molly,

I will be turning 44 August 28th and my surgery is scheduled for Sept 23rd.  I hope what I tell you will help in some way.  When I first started this process, employed and with insurance several years ago, the lap band was the popular surgery, I went to the seminar and even met with a surgeon. Something kept me from doing it, and now several years later I find out there were so many problems with it and most people do not even meet their goals.  Fast forward now, disabled and in pain almost every day.  I realize that sometimes time is a blessing.  The VSG is now available and the success rates for it are so much higher.  Finding out I would have to be on a 3 month diet really depressed me, then I realized that too was a blessing.  Those three months have given me time to research, learn a little so I can be active on this board, make friends and feel that there is a community of people out there that  feel the same way I do and have gone through similar experiences, when I have thought for so long that I am alone and the only one with all these issues.  You are giving yourself a chance to be healthy and live a long life with your husband and children.  You are a beautiful intelligent women, give yourself credit, your able to get up and go to work every day, your a good wife and a great mom.  I know this because of the way you say your husband talks about you., men are simple they say what they feel, he sees the beauty in you, absorb that and let that shine!  The time you have before surgery, use it to learn everything about your surgery, read all you can about emotional well being and food triggers, get counseling if you need to, so when the time comes your inside will match your outside, ask as many questions as you can and be good to yourself.  Take things one day at a time and remember the surgery is just a tool, facing your demons about food and reacting to it differently is the journey that will get you centered and keep you successful.  I would encourage you to start looking for ankle bracelets, find one you like and cut it out so you can see it everyday as a goal! You have this!

Smiles:),

Lisa

WOW!! 

Lisa,..so thoughtfully put! You really covered it , what a great post. Wishing for a "like" button.

You are for sure in a place here that we hear you and a lot of us have simular feelings or have had and totally related and understand! You have had replies to your post that I have read and all have had great ideas!
Doing your research and getting ready mentally and physically ahead of surgery and will continue after surgery! One day at a time! This will be ups and downs all through and after. The roller coasters just change. However, it is very true that majority of us after surgery have a much great life quality and enjoy so many things we lost the abilities to do. Feeling beautiful is something from with inside you. Hearing it does not always make us beleive it! Find the things that do make you feel good and hone in on those. As you lose weight there may be things that physically change that you will not like. Example excess skin. But all along life there are going to be things that make ones self look different. Might make us feel ugly if we dwell in it. It is your perception of yourself that you need to feel comfortable with when you walk out that door... And even sitting in your house. Focuss on the things you can change and that make you feel good. Have goals such as wearing that ankle bracelet.... Buy it for yourself and the day you wear it and feel great in it ( and you will wear it one day )... It will be huge when you put it on and sport it! There will always be a desire to change something... It is human.
Self image can be so distorted... But do the things that make you feel the you that you want to be.
Your surgery will happen in the right timing. There are reasons for things that happen!
Patience is something you will need to have and even after surgery. Recognizing that you are feeling this way and reaching out is great! Counseling or talking with a professional can reassure and bring out things that you may not have thought of. The more positives and helps that you get for yourself the better. WLS support groups can be great. What people bring to them can be beneficial to each other.
You have not wasted time! The thing is, after surgery you most likely will see more of how you may have adapted life to your weight in the things you did differently because you could not just do it the "normal" way. In life we adapt things to work for us. There is no wasted time of life.... It all happens for reasons.
Hang in there, hind sight always looks different.... Live right now!
Anything in life that you are trying to "rehab" yourself away from is going take steps:
1. Commitment to the change
2. Discipline through the change
3. Consisitency throughout the change
4. Faith in your change
5. Heart for the change
These will follow through out your life I power to change things.

Ultimately you are not alone! Keep coming here... Keep focussed and know you own worthiness!!

Yall made me cry reading your posts and you have no idea how much i really appreciate the support that you have given me...i am going to try to focus on the good things i have going for me and work on dealing with the things that have damaged my self esteem unfortunatly my weight is just one of the issues but all in good time i have found a wls support group down the road from where i live i think i will give them a call and go to the meetings...i would go to a psyco dr but..somethings in my past im not ready to deal with other than the weight issue and would honestly like to steer clear from lol i just feel so alone sometimes and the day i posted that i had forgotten all off the posts i have read from people dealing with the same issues i have...life is a journey and god does put us on the path we are supposed to be traveling.. just sometimes i wonder why i have to take the pot hold gravel round all the time lol anyways thanks again for everything i felt like a yoyo that day...when its at the end of its string and kind of boucing up and down at the end of the rope....just felt hopeless...im having an ok day today anyways thanks again and i really hope something wonderful happens to each of you because i really needed to hear those things

Glad you are feeling a little better!

Hi there Molly!

I know I'm a little late but I wanted to post a reply real quick because you sound a lot like I felt right before this surgery.  I was at my highest weight BY FAR and I felt horrible about myself.  Nothing in my closet fit... I mean literally 80% of my clothes were too tight to wear. The highest size jeans in Lane Bryant couldn't fit me.  When I would (rarely) go out with my husband, half the time I felt extremely uncomfortable and I couldn't fit into chairs in restaurants, movie theaters or concerts anymore.

It's a hard time and it just makes you want to eat more to soothe yourself.  I know, I've been there.  Try making small changes now and eating healthier.  Keep your eye on the prize (surgery) and you'll get there.  Surgery was the greatest thing I ever decided to do for myself and now you can't keep me home! I'm spending way too much time in clothing stores trying on all my new clothes. :-) I weigh 241 so I still have a ways to go but you can't tell me I'm not lookin good now! LOL

Please stick with it and in a little bit of time, you will feel so much better.  Good luck and have a great weekend!

I can relate. As other folks have said, feeling pretty is internal. Before I had surgery, at age 38, I just hoped to not die of my comorbidoties. I thought the pretty ship had sailed. Even at my highest weight I still did my hair, wore makeup, and dressed as well as I could. Not because I thought it made a lot of difference but as a type of sartorial and cosmetic apology for being so ugly. I was filled with self loathing.
Even though you may not think you are ready, I urge you to address your self image issues. Surgery helps but it does do the whole job. And the head issues will continue to give you grief until you address them, especially in the form of 'I would be so happy if I was X weight or wore X size'. A lot of us think that and then get it and find we are not satisfied.
As far as how you perceive the coworkers: I assure you they have insecurities no matter outward appearances.
Take care