I hate feeling like such a failure

it's just hit me hard this week that i wasted such a tool with great potential - but ive pretty much ruined my sleeve. I died yesterday when i managed to eat a small hot dog and hamburger (both with buns) at a BBQ - that was after picking at things while we waited. I never thought Id be able to eat that much again. 

My 2 year date is coming up and Im going to go back to the doctors a good 10-15 lbs heavier than I was for my 1 year date, and 25-30 lbs heavier than my lowest weight. I have no clothes that fit and Im beyond miserable - between the depression and physical problems that are killing me. I hate feeling fat again, i hate looking at my face in the mirror and seeing my chip munk cheeks and seeing my collar bones slowly disapearing. 

I was fortunately just approved for and referred to a clincal psychologist as opposed to an MFT for treatment. I am going to start Whole 30 (paleo diet) tomorrow to try and heal my aching body. Im also finally starting dexilant after begging for 2 years for a new medicine for reflux. So, im going to go pray tonight that I can find the strength to find my way back to a normal life and climb out of my deep dark hole. 

Hi
I'm new to the boards and haven't had my surgery yet, but it so sad to hear the unhappiness, I can feel it in your words. I have been in that dark hole before and I know how lonely that can be. Please don't feel like giving up. Even if your two year date is coming up, think positive and start over fresh today. You have come a long way already and you can continue your journey. Just have faith and give yourself a little credit for what you have already done, focus on your successes not your shortcomings. Don't be so hard on yourself, dust yourself off and get back on course, I know you can do it. I read your posts often and find so much inspiration in you, your human and you make losing weight look real and show how hard you have to work for the results.
Keep your head held high,
Smiles,
Lisa

I am so sorry you are in such a dark place. I am glad you are seeking help. The mental part is the hardest. You have to believe you are worth the effort. I hope you find your strength. You CAN do this and you DO deserve to be in a healthy, happy place, physically and mentally.

I know it's hard to hear but you don't have to be a failure.  You only really fail if you completely give up... and from what I have seen from these boards and MFP, you are ANYTHING but a quitter.  You have inspired so many people and supported so many of us from the beginning and it's not failure to have to get help for health and mental issues.  Right now, you are self-medicating with food and that happens. But you aren't 400 pounds again and you keep coming back here and trying again.  You always have a plan of action ready and you refuse to give up.  To me, that is way more inspiring than someone who hasn't had any issues and has just been sailing along in the weight loss journey. 

You will get through this!  I just know you will, even though I don't know you that well. I remember when I was much younger and I lost weight to get down to 160... the day I got on the scale and saw 200 pounds, I curled up in a ball and cried for an hour. I was so devastated that I let myself get back in the 200s.  I know how horrible that feels and it happens to so many of us.   But I didn't do anything about it... and a decade later, I was 360! But we have the tools and the knowledge now. I don't think you have stretched your sleeve out so much that you have no restriction.  I am sure that with eating right again, you will start to feel the restriction and feel it working again.

I hope that your new medicine and psychologist can help you and that the paleo diet helps you get back on track and makes your body and mind feel good.  Take care and know you have so many people here thinking about you.

There's nothing quite like some paleo meat muffins to  bring back a little restriction.

 

Thanks for your support. It gets harder to want to keep going but...I'm going to go search for and find my happy place again to find that drive. It's gotta be out there somewhere. 

I send you my prayers. It is definitely a total different reality the further you are out when you started out as a heavy weight. I am suffering from suspected hypoglycemia and that has helped add an additional 15 lbs. I don't want to go to my 2 year appointment in the next few weeks because I hoped to be at least 25 lbs to 50 lbs smaller by  now but you know what I figured?

 

My life is so much better than it was two years ago and the weight I was then.

I have still lost an enormous amount of weight, despite the additional 15 lbs gain and I am determined to let no one take that away from me, including myself.

I eat at least 85% clean (most days) and I exercise like a maniac. My body is going through a great deal and no one is perfect.

After almost 1 1/2 years of starvation, which most of us who have had WLS are realistically going through, there are some adjustments that will occur and the weight loss will often come to a slow crawl.

 

So what's left? A better life and the hope of tomorrow. If nothing else, we must celebrate what we have accomplished so far and where we are never returning to once we figure out how to get back on track.

God speed,

Hello dear one,

Everyday is a battle when you are a food addict. The sleeve or any WLS is a wonderful catalyst for change but it is merely a tool . It fixes the gut, but it doesnt fix the brain...the mind, the mood.

A year ago, I could barely get a slider down. Now I can eat 4. I am still not in Onderland and I still need to drop about 50 lbs. There are many who have had surgery after me with more to lose who have made goal and who have moved on, who I never see on this forum anymore because they made goal.

With that being said, this is not a race it is a lifetime of change. For some, it is 8-12 months and hitting their goal and being ok. I am so happy for those lucky people.They are few and far between. For many, like you and me, it is a constant battle to decide what to do in this moment. What am I going to do? Stick to the plan? Or let the addiction beat me today?

I have friends who are fighting alcohol/drug addiction and their day is much like mine. They are fighting to be sober. I am fighting to not abuse carbs.

I have heard the argument that drug addicts can just stop taking drugs, but food addicts still have to eat. That is a lie we food addicts tell ourselves. We can stop eating carbs and eat whole foods and lose this weight. We all have to find that place inside of us, where we can prevail over this addiction. It takes about 3-5 days of cutting out carbs and then our bodies no longer crave it physically. It is our minds that we are fighting, not our bodies.

So my dear friend, Alison, let me say this to you; "you did not waste a tool with great potential. You lost a great deal of weight with that tool. You found the athlete under all that weight. You found the woman you longed to know; strong, independent...fierce. The fact that you realize you are still an addict speaks volumes about your recovery and your ability to ultimately overcome this. The fact that you are still fighting is a good thing.The fact that you know you have to get help is a testament to your ability to win this battle.

I started therapy and I am working on being a whole person. I am working on finding out why I am a whack job when it comes to food and why my drug of choice is bad carbs. I need to learn why I need to soothe my body with poison.

Being 15 lbs heavier than a year ago is not the end of the world. Being 15 lbs heavier than a year ago and not being aware of it...that is dangerous territory my friend. You are aware. You are still fighting. Just given that fact alone, makes me know you are going to be fine.

In the past, you have tasted the successes and with therapy and more work you will see better successes. I promise you as long as you stay in this and keep score of the wins and losses, you will prevail.

Blessings and hugs my dear one,

Sharon

 

 

You are my wonderful wise friend. I know I need to just get over this horrible year ASAP and worry more about the years to come....now, how to do that :-p

So true; thanks for that! There are a lot of us that needed to hear that!

your tool still works you just got to get back to using it properly , get back on you plan and you will lose the 20 you gained

if we did not slip once in a while we would not be human , you just need to get your head together and stick to your plan

my hubby (non wls) had the worst reflus and started taking dexilant and it did wonders maybe reflux 1 time a month now and an antacids takes care of that