It's the small things.....

So I'm still really struggling to get back on track. When I went to Edmonton this month 3/4 professionals were really supportive; the internal medicine doc "tore me a new one" so to speak. I'm not managing my diabetes. BAD. I get it. I have 3 major chronic illness' that I deal with. Depression, a blood clotting disorder and diabetes. I have a hard time managing all 3 and while my thinking is always flawed, I see it this way: If I get depressed and kill myself, I'm dead. If I get more blood clots, the likelihood of death or serious stroke are good. If my diabetes causes blindness, amputation or impaired kidney function -- I am at least alive. The food I'm supposed to eat for diabetes can cause my blood levels to go wacky for the blood disorder. I am a person who needs validation. You don't have to agree with me, just try and understand where I'm coming from.

My Edmonton NUT told me I don't have to eat bread to get grains servings. I needed to hear this because it was earlier encouraged and my carb monster can not handle bread in small quantities. It's still hard to get back on track.

My brother has lost 80 pounds in 5 months with Xenadrine (illegal in the USA but ok here), exercise, diet changes. Learned today from my mom he has joined some meal program where he eats 2 meals and snack of "the program" food and can eat dinner from a list of approved foods. I cried today when I saw his picture, I think my mom thinks I've gone off the deep end. I don't know how to explain that when I see his success, it reflects my failure. I lost 40 and gained it back. I know that men's metabolism is different and that is another reason he's doing well.

The good news (which is what I was planning to post in the first place) is that my office has recently moved and the walk from the parkade to the office adds steps. Historically my steps have been 2300-2500, 3000 on a really good day. Yesterday was 6200 and today was 4500.

Apparently today is a day I wish I could turn off my humanity. Here's to a better tomorrow.

take it one day at a time , if you don't like your doctor , find a better one, try to find one that can handle all you conditions

 not one that does diabetes and one the blood problem and another for your weight

My dear beautiful friend,

My heart would break and this world would not be the same without you in it. I wish I could fly north, swoop  you up and bring you home with me. I would cook you clean meals we would walk all over the place together. 

I know it's hard. I know it so sucks to have to wait on your insurance to approve this surgery. I know, I know I know. I waited almost 10 years to be approved. In those 10 years i gained 100 more lbs. Even when I was in therapy, I could not stop eating. I did not hate myself,but  I needed to self-soothe. Food did that for me. I have learned I have not changed, but now I self soothe with exercise. (yes it can be done)

Movement will be hard if you are depressed, but it will alleviate some of the mental anguish and depression if you can push through it. I know you can. Does your insurance cover Chiropractic care. If so, find one who also does nutrition and physical fitness in their clinic. It is what has kept me on course when I stalled for months. If not, please keep seeing your counselor. We all need it. We are all carb addicted and need the outside help to work on that issue. Also do you have an OA chapter in your area. OA has helped millions of people with their addictions. 

We are here for you. Please stay connected with us.{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sharon

I soooooooo appreciate you!

From one fellow crazy cat lady to another.... I hope that things get better for u. Sharon put it all excellently (As she always does!) so all I have to say is that we are here for u and I'm so sorry u are having a low day. I also struggle with depression and high blood pressure and it's very hard to deal with at times. Please know it will get better and all u can do is try. Just keep going!! Hope ur having a better day today! Hugs!

So I'm not being critical or anything like that but I want to actually pose a thought.

 

My nutritionist hates my diet. And I do mean HATES it. She *****es at me all the time because I don't eat enough carbs to satisfy her and I never eat grains. Before my surgery I started eating the exact way I would after surgery. This meant under 40 carbs, 90 grams of protein, eating the protein first, limited fruits and veggies, and drinking 100oz of water a day. I lost 26 pounds in the 3 months before I had surgery just by following this diet. I honestly don't even know what my calorie intake was because I didn't count calories, just carbs and protein grams.If I went over 2000 calories I didn't care because it wasn't the calories that were important to me at that time it was more getting used to eating protein first, getting in a lot of protein, and drinking drinking drinking. Now I'm lucky to get in 80oz of water to be honest. I just can't drink the way I used to. But I will say I was losing weight because when you eat the protein like steak or chicken first you get full!

 

So maybe switch up and instead of dieting just change the way you eat to how you would have to eat post surgery and see if that helps. And don't tell your nutritionist unless you want to see her head pop off. LOL

In April of last year I did exactly what you recommended and lost 40 pounds in 3 months.  I met the NUT in the bariatric program whose head DID pop off.  I have to follow the recommendations of this program in order to qualify for surgery so I introduced carbs back into my diet (I've since been told I'm to aim for 130 g -- insert shear panic) and regained the 40 I lost over the following 6 months.  I see the NUT every 2 months and I have to show my food diaries. 

I regret that I changed what was working for me, I feel like crap with the regain and feel like a failure.  Right now I want to just try and tow the party line to get to surgery and try not to pull out all my hair in the process......though I'll lose it post-op anyway lol

I will tell you one thing: this is YOUR body we are talking about. Not the program's body, not the nut's body! If what worked for you is the 40g of carbs, then go for that and LIE about the remaining 90g. Nobody will know. The NUT OR PROGRAM will not have the slightest idea so they wont unqualify you!

I do not usually prone for lying but when you face closed minded people, you have to do it FOR YOURSELF HUN!

(((hugs)))

You are not a failure because your brother is losing. You are not a failure at all. He has his process; you have yours. Let's focus on yours now.

As Sharon said, we have issues with carbs. So we have to stay away from them, mostly. I do okay with a little bit of fruit (one strawberry or a quarter of an apple), but mostly the only carbs I don't get crazed with are those that come from dairy or beans. So I understand about the carbs, especially bread.

But please, please take small steps to care for yourself. I know how easy it is to fall into a well of depression and think that it doesn't matter if we are alive or dead--nobody would really care anyway. I assure you that is not true! You matter. One chronic illness is hard, three is exponentially harder. But it can be done. You have already take the first step by posting about your struggles. Please don't give up. You are worth every effort you make!

Take care. We are here for you.