Really annoyed with my family's eating habits

I just need a place to vent for a second.  I am about a month out from surgery and I am eating next to nothing so that's probably why this is so annoying to me right now.  But food has always been a huge issue with my husband and my stepsons.  Food is (was?) a huge part of my life and my husband loves food as much as I do. So do his sons. My oldest stepson eats a variety of foods and is pretty easy to please but my youngest is the pickiest eater I have ever seen.  He never eats fruits or veggies and of the few foods he likes (bread and meats and junkfood) he is still really picky about those.  I made hamburgers the other night and he ate one bite and said he didn't like it cus it was seasoned weird and overcooked. PUNK!  Then if he likes something, he will eat it a lot and then decide one day that he won't eat it anymore.  He did that with corndogs. We finally found something easy he could make for himself and he ate a bunch of them and now won't touch them. Same thing with tater tots and chicken nuggets. He won't eat them anymore.  Last week I hit a wall when I realized that he was only eating Reese's Peanut butter cups all day instead of anything else.  And then he would freak out when we ran out and my hubby would bring home more. SO frustrating. (Both of these kids are skinny as beanpoles, mind you. The youngest is 12 1/2 and 75 pounds.)

Too make matters worse, my husband is not as picky but he has bad eating habits that the kids are picking up.  He only eats once a day, at dinner.  At work all day, he doesn't eat, he just drinks coffee or energy drinks so when dinner comes around he wants this fantastic meal that is exactly what he is craving at the moment.  For so long I have gone along with this because I love food and I would happily eat the big dinners with him.  We took turns going to the store and cooking but this costs so much money and time.  We literally go to the store 5 to 6 times a week. Almost every single day to get stuff for that night's grand dinner!

So this weekend, I sat the boys down and we had a talk about nutrition and what was a meal and what was a snack (and that 4 Reese's PB cups and a donut is not a meal).  We wrote down all kind of (somewhat) healthy foods the boys would eat and I took them to Walmart and we got all kinds of stuff.  I posted a list on the fridge of what we had to eat now as alternatives to the junk.  I let them know if the snacks run out before next weekend, they will NOT be replaced.  They went along with everything and I have noticed them making some better choices but it's my husband that's causing issues.  Last night, I didn't have anything prepared for dinner and I asked my husband just to find something in the house to make. We had leftovers from our Sunday night dinner and we had pasta and sandwich makings and soup and frozen stuff.  NO need to go to the store.  Well he wasn't happy with that.  And then when the kids asked what was for dinner, instead of just telling them Spaghetti or Eggs or a Ham Sandwich.  He acted like we didn't have anything to eat and it, of course, made the kids upset and then when he started suggesting the above items they were unhappy with that.  How about telling them what they are eating and if they don't like it then they can go to bed hungry!?!? When I was a kid, at least once a week we had leftover or sandwich night.  It's not going to kill us to save some money and just make something in the pantry that isn't a gourmet meal!!

Ugh... its like I have 3 kids sometimes.  When its just me and the boys, they listen to me and do whatever I ask of them. But then my husband gets in the mix and messes up my progress!! It's so much easier to train a 14 and 12 year old then it is to train a 39 year old man. GRRRR Ok, thanks for letting me vent. 

Have a great day!

I know one woman who cooked fried chicken and mashed potatoes the day she came home from the hospital after having WLS. Her husband complained he hadnt had a decent meal since she was hospitalized.She was so fatigued her husband brought a chair and put it in front of the stove so she could sit. Nice guy!

I know another woman who's husband ate big macs in her hospital room after her surgery.

I know another woman who's husband forbade her to have the surgery unless she promised to continue to cook exactly the same way she always had before the surgery. And told her she should stay fat if she could not keep the promise. 

Then there's my husband. He tells me all the time. Dont cook, he can take care of himself. He eats junk food only when I am not around and he keeps it in his man cave so I never see it. He stopped drinking pop at home since i can no longer have it. 

I think some men have a hard time watching us morph. They are used to the way we have become and change scares them. They like what they are used to. 

Will your hubby change? I dont know. But I think its awesome how you sat the boys down and explained things to them. Kids love that. Maybe an adult convo with your "oldest" kid is in order. You know it has to be in that sweet voice, otherwise they never even hear what we are saying.........DAMMIT. 

Good Luck!

Sharon

Thanks for the reply, Sharon!  At least my husband isn't requiring me to cook or eating Big Macs in my face!! LOL  I didn't really cook for them the first 3 weeks after surgery and he did pretty well with getting him and the boys their meals.  But it's just the fight that everyone has to have exactly what they want every night for dinner and all the money spent on food.  It's almost impossible to plan meals because he may not want what is for dinner and decide to go to store and spend 40 to 50 bucks on other food when we had food to eat at home!

He's happy for me to change but very resistant to changing his patterns.  He says its hard for him to think that as a 39 year old man someone is telling him what he can and cannot eat. HA! I said well, thats the sacrifice you have to make when you decided to marry me and have a family and now that YOUR children are living with us 24/7.  He chose to have a family instead of staying single... hence, you make sacrifices.  I said if he wanted to be single and eat out every night, then he could send his kids back to his ex and I will go on with my life.  He didn't care for that but I think I got my point across. LOL

I didn't realize my husband has some food issues (sugar, sugar, and more sugar****il I started dealing with my own. So that was eye opening. A lot of us before surgery equate thin with good eating habits. I mean, if they are thin they have to be eating well, right? Of course not. And a lot of us equate food with love, which may be what is happening with your husband. He might be viewing the ritual of buying and preparing elaborate meals as an outward sign of your devotion.

This is what I tell my family: Not only do I earn the money to buy the food, I shop for it, bring it home, put it away, and prepare it. So it's my way. I do buy them a limited amount of crap, but not nearly to the level I did before surgery, when I was an active participant in crappy eating.

I have a picky eater too, and I think part of it is control, meaning she is trying to wrest control from us by throwing a fit. I sent her butt to bed without dinner when she turned up her nose at something she had previously eaten. She definitely put on a show, but I stood firm. We are working on this bit by bit, but it's not easy.

My DH too would only eat one huge meal a day if I let him. Or he would eat a huge dinner and for lunch he would eat candy bars and chocolate milk. So I got smart and started packing his lunch. As much as it sometimes galls me that a grown man cannot seem to make himself a sandwich to take to work, I make sure he goes out with a nutritious meal. Not that I am on the "stand by your man kick". I'm not. But I want him to live a long time and not be a sick, fat mess, so I suck it up and make his lunch. Because gawd knows if I leave him to his own devices he'll eat like hell.

I'm not telling you you're doing anything wrong. I totally get how maddening this is. Can you utilize the crockpot for some of your meals so every stinking night isn't devoted to a food fest? Or maybe planning the week's meals in advance and allowing them to have some say would help.

take care

Very good point about the control issue with the youngest.  I definitely think that is part of it.  He has other anxiety and anger issues at times and I think this plays right into it.  When I am firm with him and tell him the way things are, he pretty much always comes around. It's when he is babied or given too many options, that he starts throwing a fit like he did last night when his father wasn't firm with him about dinner.

I do love my husband, even with some of his irritating and maddening qualities. LOL I want him around for a while too. I am definitely planning on doing some crockpot dinners and we did plan the weekly meals for a few weeks until it fell by the wayside over the holidays.  Definitely going to start that up again.  Thanks for the support!!

Obviously this isn't your solution but I learned after surgery what kind of man I should be with. The type of man that went and had pizza for dinner after I had surgery but ate it downstairs and hid the leftovers so I wouldn't know what he had for dinner because he didn't want me to feel bad.

Minor details this was my dad. LOL But still I refuse to even consider someone *****fuses to be considerate to me. It's kind of like that scene in the Wedding Singer when Drew Barrymore asks if she can sit by the window because she's never seen Vegas, and schmuck boy says no because he doesn't like the cart coming by but that she can lean over him when they fly in.

So ok obviously you are with your husband for a reason but I'd be having a serious "come to the mountain" talk with that man about how things need to be going forward. It's fine if he wants to have his grandiose meals but he needs to plan them ahead and be the one to get off his butt and cook them and not expect you to just jump up and make his food dreams come true.

Side note I live alone and am SOOOOO GLAD I don't have to deal with other people's food crap. I totally feel for you and hope that you can work something out.

I love my husband and family but I do know that this would be HELLA easier if I was single.  Three years ago, I was single and on WW and doing my thing and it was just so much easier not having any crap in the house and planning all my healthy meals and exercise.  I know I can get back to that but it's gonna take some hard work on this family.  Boys are pretty much in line as of now and hopefully their dad will follow suit....

My husband has been spoiled because I was more than willing to cook those big meals and go out and get all kinds of yummy and unhealthy food for him before my surgery because I was eating it too! I was actually probably getting myself some extra treats to eat on the way home alone that no one knew about and that's way I was more than willing to get that food and prepare it. Well, times have changed and he's been having some trouble adjusting. I'll give him time and I hope he can get on board! No more making his "food dreams" come true... LOL I loved that!

Its super freaking hard to manage all this lifestyle change and eating when other people are involved. But since you are a family, it will take some time and effort to get everyone on the same page. Too much change all at once might cause a lot of resistance especially with your husband. It sounds like a great idea to make a menu/grocery list and shop for the week. I wish I was better at that lol. But maybe you can compromise with your husband that he can have - say 1 night a week - where he can change his mind about what's on the menu and go to the store and pick something up that he wants to cook (and tell him all the dishes are in him!).  But the rest of the time he needs to support you -just throwing out an idea.

Sounds like you and hubby might need a long talk to get on the same page - i know men can be difficult to reason with, but you can try.

Yea, we did the weekly lists for a good couple of weeks before the holidays and it worked pretty well. Some nights we would change up but more often not.  It just takes a lot of time and prep to get it all done.  I really like your idea of giving him one night a week where he can do his own thing and shop and make whatever he wants.... its better than 6 nights a week! LOL

He's a stubborn guy at times but he usually will come around and see my point after a while.  Hopefully, something will get through that thick skull of his. hehe  Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it!

Hey!

I have a husband and 3 kids (4-6 and 9 years old).  My middle one is the picky eater, drives me insane, well I should say USED to drive me insane.  The "eat what's on the table or to without food" didn't work well since he would go without food to the point of getting stomach pain.  Who had to deal and worry?  ME!  Because a 6 years old do not really make the connection between "I don't eat I suffer" and he surely never worried about it.  So now it's "you sit there until you eat I do not care how long it will take" and it works.  The first times it took about 2hours, he ate cold of course, but he ate!  Then 1 hour, then now it's 30 minutes.  It is just control!  He is an anxious kid, lots of anger, throws fits, etc...  I was not going to let him have his way.  Daddy was NOT AT ALL happy with me, but I stood up to him and today, he thanks me because his son eats normally, or well almost normally!  It is a constant fight!  But I will not let him get away with this NO WAY!

As per your other issues, I will tell you how I see it, but remember it is only my opinion, take as much as you want from my advice, even if you take nothing!

My husband is not fat, but he is now 40 and getting fatter every year.  He compared himself to me and thought he was not fat.  I kept telling him that I was not a good comparison, but he didn't listen.  He had bad eating habits, doesn't exercise, is out of shape.  I was more resistent than him when I was 360 pounds.  Now he sees that I am getting close to him in size and that I can outrun him anytime I want. 

I never forced him, I cooked what I had to cook for me, not for them, just for ME.  There you go guys, this is today's meal.  Not happy with it, well then make it yourself next time.  So he started  cooking more, and I would not eat what he ate.  But he and I didn't care.  But what he cared about is that I ouldn't sit at the table with them and suffer from watching them eat things I didn't want for me but would crave.  So I would go eat in my room.  I would cook my meal and leave them at the table.  They kept complaining.  Asking why.  I wouldn't say anything.  He finally understood by himself and started cooking things I too could have.  So I would have my part and sit with them.

This is YOUR journey.  You did this to change YOURSELF.  Not others, even if I know you are trying to do this out of love for them, it is not and will never be your place to require this from others.  Changing is hard, it has to come from ourselves, not from our spouses.  If there is one thing I appreciate about my husband, it is that he never even once in his life asked me to change what I was.  I owed him the same respect.  But I also had to respect myself, my limits, my choices of life.  It took him a good 6 months to start changing.  Now he asks me questions regarding calories, training, cause he knows I am a "know it all".  He lost 5 pounds lately, he is trying to change for himself, not for me. 

I wish you the best with your husband and stepsons.  But remember that this is YOUR JOURNEY.  Not theirs!  If they want to come along, welcome them, if they resist the change, respect them and find ways to make it acceptable for you, not for them! 

XXX

Karine.