It has been 6 months

I have to warn you, this is a long post, read if you dare, but you don’t have to!  Also, you might not agree with me, this is my own opinion.  It is not at all intended to judge or hurt anyone.  If it does so, please know that I am sorry, but again do not take it personal, we all have our own ways of seeing things!  You will encounter tons of mistakes in my writing, sorry but English is not my strength, if it’s too hard for your eyes, stop reading it won’t get better LOL!!!!!

Sorry but I am not posting pics yet.  First because I am still not happy with what I look like (will I ever be?) but mostly because I can't figure out how.  I keep emailing the administrators of this site for bugs (such as my sticker NOT updating at all grrrrrrr feel stuck at the same place hahahaha) but they don't do much!

I started my journey at 360 pounds.  I had been on the waiting list for a sleeve, to be followed by the second portion of the DS, in my province of residence for 3 years.  Than, I moved to another province, and a year later, after finding a doctor, was put on the waiting list of this new province, where the wait time was suppose to be about 18 months.  But my only option in that province was to have a RNY.  No judgements here, but this one was not for me, it goes against what I believe and also what I am willing to put myself through.  Well considering there were other options, you know, because if it would have been the only option available than I would have agreed to it.  But I knew other options exsisted...

So I started to gather information, I still couldn't accept that I wouldn't have my sleeve.  My first province of residence gave me the option of keeping my own stomach, the option of sticking with the sleeve if it was a good enough tool for me, or to complete it with the second portion of the DS if I felt the need to.  Here, in this new province, I was left with no choice in regards to what would be done to my body.  I couldn't accept this.  And I couldn't wait any longer.  I was 360 and I started to feel more and more exhausted.  I HAD to act now.  I had already been waiting 4 years.  I thought I did my time!  So I tried to have my province pay for an out of province surgery, they refused.

I took a loan.  I will have to pay it for years, but I prefer paying for my body than paying for a new car.  Yeah that is a huge issue of mine, I seem to be unable to "understand and process" the fact that we have to get loans for cars!  Cannot explain why, it just doesn't register in my brain.  The biggest ... hum... let's call this "discussions"...with hubby!  hahaha

I contacted Dr Gagner, one of the best in the bariatric field, and arranged for a sleeve.  I gathered some optifast, even if Dr Gagner didn't require it, and imposed it on myself for 2 weeks.  On june 25th, I self paid for a sleeve in my old province of residence.  The most marvelous day of my life.  The day my real life started.  The day I was reborn.  ME!  Not someone's wife, not someone's daughter, not someone's sister, not someone's mother, not someone's friend, just ME, myself.  I did this for Me.  I did this to take care of Me.  I did this to be in better shape for Me.  I did this to improve Me.

 And the best part is now to come:  IT WORKED!!!

 I am  a better Me.  In fact, I am now what I had lost.  Well maybe not fully yet, but on the way of being what I had lost.  You see, unike a lot of other obeses, I was not obese until well set in my 20's.  Before that I was a fit girl, active, independant, strong physically and emotionnally, I was a hot mamma.  Well I didn't know that then, I must admit!  Now I have a comparison looking back but back then I thought only bad things about myself.  I was always too much or not enough of anything, you know?

 In 6 months I have lost 125 pounds.  Of course, I feel it is slow, but realistically, I know it is rapid weight loss.  I am happy.  I keep wishing I had a magic wand to make all the fat and scars disappear but I think if it was that easy, the mistakes I have made in the past would be forgotten quickly and the chances of doing them all over would be too high!  But who wouldn't like a magic wand?  Well, enough reveries!!!! The reality is that the road has been cleared but I still have to drive to destination...

 What is my goal?  I am not sure!  I would like to be in my healthy BMI, so from my calculations (I'm 5'8 1/2") I should be between 122-164 pounds.  The weight I remember the most is when I was 145.  Oh I didn't like it.  All my friends were low 100's, max 120.  I know they were way shorter.  I keep remembering how they would repeat and repeat to me not to compare myself to them.  I would be a size 12, they were more a 2 to 8 kind of girls.  Clothes swaping was not possible!  I felt big.  Not fat, I wasn't fat, but big! I defined myself in pounds and clothes size.  Looking back at pictures from back then, I was perfect, not an inch of fat...  So now I am trying to set my goal, and I am faced with the same problem as I had some 20 years ago and here I thought I was an intelligent women!  lol!!!!  The worse part is that knowing all this doesn't change anything to how I feel about it!  And again, here I thought I was an intelligent women!  lol!!!  I still define myself in pounds and clothes size!  This is crazy!  Knowing what is wrong but not being able to change it!  I freaking feel exactly how I felt when binging!  Oh yeah, I knew what I was doing, but I didn't know how to not do it. 

 On a more positive note, for the sake of the new people (wouldn't want to discourage them you know!!!), I would do the surgery over again without a blink!  Life saver.  The young Karine is coming back. 

 You probably would like to hear about food, the restriction!  Is it still there?  Do I have head hunger?  Do I still binge?  etc....

 Yes the restriction is there!  Twice a month, when ovulating and right before my period I am starving, real stomach starving, real body starving.  Like if I don't eat I feel weak, my stomach growls like crazy and if I don't eat, I get grumpy.  But the restriction being there, I keep eating all day, sometimes grazing a bit!!!

Other than those 2 days, I struggle to get to my daily goal of 800 calories.  700 calories is more my limit. 

Is it difficult to not eat bad things anymore?  No, not yet (except during Christmas but I managed to eat well and only dropped one or two tears).  But I still would LOVE to binge.  I don't want to do it, because I know it is bad, but I would simply love to!  It is basically the same thing for smoking!  I stopped 7 1/2 years ago and I would run to the convenience store if I learned it was not endangering my health!  Won’t happen lol!!!  But a girl can dream!  Binging made me feel full.  Nauseous a bit, I must admit, but still felt full!  In a good way!  I do not need to binge anymoe to feel full, but my brain is still “planning” my binges.  It’s planning healthy options binges.  I have succumbed to it only once in 6 months, it was last night.  I had a salad with tzatziki and chicken at 11pm.  Was I hungry?  Nope!  Did I have to succumb?  Nope.  Than, why did I?  I convinced myself that it was not the same as “before” because it was “good stuff, healthy stuff”.  Oh there was a crazy argument in my head about me not being hungry, about the time being too late, and despites the fact that I do not have multiple personality disorder, another “person” in my head summoned me to go to bed.  The binging girl won last night!  The fight lasted about an hour and a half.  I think I have made my point, I am not so much an intelligent person!!!!!!  Hahaha  If you want to know, the quantity was low, but still I wasn’t hungry, so made me burp for an hour, my husband laughing at me:

Husband:”Hey honey it’s midnight let’s go to bed”

Binging part of me girl:”BURP ...  Well I want to watch more TV”

Husband:”You look tired.  Aren’t you tired?”

Binging part of me girl:”BURP ...  Yes baby”

Husband:”Ok, than let’s go to bed”

Binging part of me girl:”BURP ...  No I don’t want to” – TV didn’t work so I had to try some other avenue

Husband:”Honey you are not making sense, what is it, just say it”

Me:”BURP ...  Well don’t you hear the burps?  I can’t go to bed, I shouldn’t have eaten this”

Husband:”hahahaha, sorry but I think it is good that you feel bad, remember next time”

Me:”grrrrrr” BURP

This made me discover a crucial thing about myself.  I am a person of addiction!  And the addictions I have been choosing for 20 years were bad ones...  Smoking, drinking, binging!!!  So rewarding, isn't it?  Screw your lungs, your stomach, your liver, and yeah, probably all your internal organs by extension!  And yet I really thought I was an intelligent person lol!!!!!!  Seriously ironic isn't it?  Now I am, for the first time in my life, left alone without an addiction.  Some people tried to give me exemples of “good” addictions but I want to get rid of my need for addictions.  I need to balance my life, not take it from one extreme to another one, make sense?

My biggest pet peeve about obesity is when I hear an obese person state that "she likes herself the way she is".  CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!  This is not true!  NO WAY!  I don't buy it and I'll tell you why.  They are just as we were all at some point:  in complete denial.  It is a form of protection.  And you repeat to yourself that you are fine so so so many times a day, week, month, year that you end up believing it.  But the truth is that as the days in this state of mind pass, the numbers of times you repeat you like yourself increase but the numbers of times you look at yourself "really look" in the mirror decrease.  And this is helpful in keeping the illusion that you actually don’t mind the extra weight!  I do not buy this crap.  Nobody can be happy under 100 pounds of fat, nobody can truly not want to drop the pounds, I do not believe this at all!  Even if you have an excellent health, I do not believe you can love your body with 100 pounds of fat on it.    Nobody EVER will make me buy this!  Anyway I have lived it, I went through this "I love me big" phase and it is just a leurre, it is a protection, it is just making this all bearable to make yourself believe that you actually chose to be heavy, round, obese, FAT, let's use the right word here!  It is just like a smoker refusing to stop because they are "stressed"  hahahahahahaha  Command, cigarette doesn't relieve stress.  I have been a smoker, was stressed.  Have stopped smoking, my stress hasn't peaked, it hasn’t changed at all in fact!  It is still the same intense stress!  Been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder if that makes you smokers believe me on this one!

What else could I say?  Ah yeah, floppy skin, floppy “all over the body”!  Is it bearable?  Is it good looking?  Would I want plastics?  It is floppy, it is awfully ugly, so not sexy during sex (oh I will come to this in a second!!!  Hihihi) when it flops and it’s, I have to say, a whole new surround sound system in place!  I would rather have the sound of something else in my surround sound system, such as music (yeah I tried the music to cover the flops but this particular floppy sound is frankly distracting!!!).  Lights on?  Hummmm not so much, not yet! Got to get used to the jell-o skin myself before being able to share this view with hubby.  It is bearable though, and the reason is that at least NOW I DO HAVE SEX!  It might not be the same for everyone, but I had resumed sex altogether about 4 years ago.  Well I did pleasure HIM, but not by penetration.  I couldn’t.  Lack of libido, lack of interest, lack of shape, lack of self esteem, lack of desire, lack of energy, lack of body fluids, etc...  So do I think I am good looking now?  Not at all, at least not naked!  But the desire is coming back, the energy as well, self esteem also – not perfectly but at least present - , and the most important thing, body fluids have returned.  Probably an hormonal problem!  Don’t know for sure but will take it.  When did all this return, 2 days ago.  Well actually more than that, it was progressive, but I only let myself try this 2 days ago.  Surprisingly enjoyed it!  And hubby doesn’t seem to care about the flops, he is happy his wife is back!  Would I do plastics?  Without a doubt, yes!  I will get in serious debts but I will do it all.  The whole body!  NOT A DOUBT IN MY MIND!

I have only one thing to say to people starting on this adventure.  It is a great one.  A roller coaster of emotions.  You have to WANT this!  You have to really really WANT it.  It is not easy, but it is extremely mesmerizing and rewarding.  Listen to the people that were there before you, they know what they are talking about much more than the professionals.  Gather informations, surf the net, read books, attend support meeting groups, and again, LISTEN to those who took the road prior to you, even if it’s only a month prior yourself.  If a nutritionist tells you that you can eat everything, it is NOT true.  Some people might not agree with me, but for me and all the people I know, it is a fact.  Is it because some foods are bad for you?  No, I do not think bread, for exemple, is bad.  But is it addictive?  Yeah, oh yeah!  Comfort foods, carbs, fats, sugars are addictive!  If you think you have control, unlike me, please ask yourself how the f.....k you are on this 50+ BMI forum?

That will be all for now!  This is just the 6 months follow up, imagine the novel I will write at 1 year!  Hahahaha

Love you all!

Karine.

Great post!

thanks!  Hope you are doing better!

Félicitations, Karine!  I am very grateful for our universal health care here in Canada but some things are just wrong.  I was on a wait list for 3 years before being referred out of province and I have been struggling to keep weight off as part of their pre-op program.

I am proud to say that I have ended my 2nd day of healthy eating below my maximum calories but it's HARD!

Thanks for the reminder of the benefits to come

A fellow Canuck,

Kristin

yeah our system is weird but still such a good one!

hang in there IT IS WORTH EVERY EFFORT beleive me!

Karine my dear,

Your english is amazing!

I, so, get what you mean when you talk about sex. I, too, feel like I am being reborn in that department. I dont know if the fat did something to my hormones, but for 10 years I had no sex drive. Maybe it's the exercise, but now it is all I think about. My husband is happy with that change.

I am so happy you have had the successes you want. The next few months are only going to get better.

I look forward to the before and after someday.

Hugs,

Sharon

2 happy husbands that's good!!!!!

I personally am afraid of the next few months, scared it will slow!!!  We'll see!

So glad to hear you are doing well. Keep up the great work!

thanks!  Keeping up the great work for sure!  You too!

Woo hoo for you : ) Great job in only six months...I don't think your loss is slow at all.  You've done an amazing job.