X posted - Fighting the self-doubt

This is from my blog, and I posted it in the VSG forum, but thought I'd share with you since I know most of us have a lot of issues with self-doubt since we have a long journey to goal. 

_______________________________

 

I tinkered with triathlons for a minute last year, and did a mini one in Palm Springs a year ago, and trained for a while after that, until I got discouraged and gave up, and just took up cycling. Then I got discouraged, and took up running. And then before I could get discouraged with that, I just cut myself up. I have a lot of self doubt when it comes to my athletic endeavors – coming from a 420 lbs blob will do the trick. I constantly have negative thoughts running through my head – I’m not good enough, I am not an athelete, I’m too big, I’m too slow, I’m making a fool out of myself. I do my best to push through those, but I have definitely not lived up to my full potential in the last year because I am afraid. I think I am more afraid of success than I am of failure at this point. What If I actually am an athlete, what if I can actually do this? Then Id be forced to cut those negative thoughts out – but they have been with me so long – it’s a scary though. I think this is why my 1/2 marathon was such a big deal to me – I had to really fight through a lot of those issues to get to the start line, let alone the finish. But that’s the thing about me – I am stronger than I want to believe. 

So, I wasnt sure I was ever going to actually join the TRI cult. But then my friend Jillian posted this great offer on a triathlon package – a triathlon bike, a wet suit, a tri suit (top and bottom), cycling shoes, race belt, helme****er bottle and cage, and some other things. The whole package was less than the value of the bike itself, so it was just a killer deal. I guess it was a sign. 

I had a tough decision to make though. I just spend a lot of ******g money on surgery, and really shouldn’t be making any other major purchases, but the one thing I had saved money for was a nice beach vacation for my 30th birthday in June. I wanted to be hot by the time i turned 30 and I wanted to CELEBRATE. It was going to be my time to be a hot drunk mess and live up the life I feel like ive missed out on. 

I made the decision to sacrifice that dream and buy a bike. It was a decision that killed me to make, but I thought about it non stop for 2 days, and I decided **** YOU NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. I WILL BE A TRIATHLETE. That is and has been a real dream of mine, and one that will be a much better investment for my life, for my health, and for my sanity. So, I bought it. As soon as I paid for it and scheduled my bike fit, and pick up… I started eating. And eating. The self doubt hit me like a ton of bricks immediately. 

I got over it in about an hour. Hello – dear SSB – you ran a damn half marathon. You can do a triathlon. You can swim, you can bike and you can run. So, back on track. Im sooo over that. Now, I am excited. I’m praying that my recovery will hurry up so I can get to work. I will do a half IM in 2014 – yes – a 70.3 mile adventure – it’s a 1,2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, followed by a 13.1 mile run. And now, I have the fun toys to begin. I have so many great friends who have been down this road and shown me that it’s possible, and this SSB is on a mission to slowly but surely start pushing those negative thoughts further and further away from the surface. 

So, this chapter begins. I’ll just have to hit the beaches here in my bikini and pretend to be on vacation (or pack my bikini in my tri bag and find a nice beach tri to do this summer). 

Alison,

One thing I know about you, is; you will do this. My gosh, this is a glorious goal. I am so proud of you.

Next; IRONMAN??????????????????????? Hawaii sounds awfully nice.........

Love,

Sharon

Thank you for posting this! You make me feel as if it is not just me. It is so hard to find those who have had WLS and had high numbers. I know we all have similar battles but the heavyweights have additional issues that make the long term journey more complicated.

Just remember, after the miracle that has been performed in our lives, we can do ANYTHING! Now if I could just take my own advice, lol.

Keep up the good work!

I used to be all negative during my run. I'm not all positive, yet. I think I go back and forth. It does matter- negative thoughts make the workout harder and seem to take more energy. When I catch myself thinking negative, I try to say out loud "not true" or "you got this".  I also try to focus on upbeat songs. Sometimes I concentrate on my breath  like a form of meditation.

It takes practice and conscious effort to counter the negative thoughts when they come.  I'm not there yet but I'm working on it. I know that I'm better at it.

 The commitment and preparation alone are signs of growth and a lifestyle change. Jumping into the triathalons despite your fears and insecurities is the definition of bravery. You truly are a brave woman.

I started the couch to 5k run and I cery well know what negative thinking is! I am too slow, I am to weak, I am always comparing myself to the other runners around me, of course I keep hearing the little voice in my head saying:"command Karine you can't do this, it's out of reach for YOU" or "oh I am going to die" or "I xan't do this, why am I putting myself though this ****" etc....


Now do you know what makes me continue? People like you! Why not me? She can run and I can as well. Running outside with my kids, even if my fReaking 4 years old is faster than me!

Please don't stop there! You are a great runner. You are an inspiration!

Reading this is giving me anxiety which happens when I can identify with something.  Society has taught me that fat people don't matter, have no value.  If I succeed, then I feel like I will suddenly have worth that I don't know how to deal with.  There is a rational part of me hidden far far away that believes every human being has value but it's hard to apply to myself.  I have regained the weight I lost between April and July.  That is VERY hard for me to admit and I feel like such a failure.  The truth is though, I think I'm more afraid of succeeding.  I just wanted to say "thanks" Alison, you have no idea how much I admire you!  I try to hold on to the fact that you really do get it but sometimes I just think you're stronger.  It helps to know that you don't always see it in yourself.  Is that weird to say?  Thanks for doubting yourself because it makes me (and others I'm sure) feel normal?  You are the SSB you want to be.

Once i pull myself out of my current funk, maybe I will try and figure out where the strength comes from, or whether it' strength at all. Some days I feel like a weak piece of **** but as always, im a work in progress.