"Kicked Out"

I had an interesting conversation as I sat around a group of women who were are quite heavy themselves - they were my friends and people I feel I have always been able to be honest with my weight struggles and woes because they were also SMO and in my eyes "understood".  I have been having a couple of rough days this week with my self-esteem.....this seems to ebb and flow for me bu*****pically comes up when I start thinknig about how far I have come and how far I have yet to go.  One of my friends asked me what was wrong and I responded with "just having a day where I feel totally fat and uncomfortable with myself" and all three of the people responded by telling me that "I wasn't allowed to say that anymore" and that "I wasn't fat anymore and shouldn't say stuff like that around them who were really fat".   I felt kinda crushed when this happened and I have had it on my mind for the past two days.  My only response to them was "hey!  I'm still obese....NOT overweight but obese" and they just sort of reiterated that in comparison to them I shouldn't be complaining.  Uggg....it felt so strange to me to feel so exiled.  All of a sudden I don't fit in with the obese people anymore yet I certainly haven't found that I have a surplus of thin friends beckoning me closer.  I feel sort of lost in this purgatory place where clothes don't fit right and I don't fit right with other people.  I would understand if maybe I was at a healthy BMI and complaining I was fat but I am still obese and it feels really strange to me that people don't view me like that.  I feel like I am having a total identity crisis! 

Have you ever experienced anything remotely similar?  I have 17 pounds to go until I am no longer considered obese and I certainly feel like I still look large.....what gives?

They are feeling insecure.  You are doing something that they are not. To them you are succeeding where they are not.  So, they lashed out.  Although it was quite insensitive, it was probably just flippant and not harsh in their own minds. 

Things like this would bother you less after the fact if you remain calm during the situation and express yourself.

When someone dismisses your feelings,  you  say:
Well, my feelings are still my feelings. There may be less of me, but I am still human.
According to the doctor, I am medically obese.
I may have lost a lot of weight, but I didn't lose my feelings, opinion, or voice.

There is no need to declare them your enemies at this point.  Just make it clear if it happens again that your opinions and views still matter and you are not hiding them.

I once told a friend: Well I'm still grown, so I get to decide for myself. 
I don't even remember what she said to me or what it was about. I think that me setting her straight kept me from being angry. It was just a part of the conversation. 

Essentially, you are taking back your power and owning your voice.  BTW, I do this without going off or raising my voice or cussing or accusing anyone of anything. I matter-of-factly express myself. I dismiss the dismissal.  I often do it with a smile, but it is clear that I am not kidding or apologizing.

 Hi Melissa,

I feel your pain. My best friend of 25+ years and I have nothing in common anymore. I'm ashamed to say our entire life we have done nothing but eat and spend a lot of money in restaurants. We stopped doing because neither of us were mobile and we just sat around and enjoyed conversation over some long meal. 

The last 2 times we saw each other, I felt sick afterwards because i ate something that was bad for me or ate too much and my pouch was killing me. Because she will not move,  I have begged her to go to a movie or do something sedentary, but she isn't interested. She doesn't care about my life and complains about hers all the time. When she asks me for advice and I give it to her she snipes at me and tells me I have changed. I cannot argue with her, she is right, I have changed. 

I have another friend who is a work-out buddy. She has never been overweight and lives a very healthy lifestyle. We have fun and I enjoy the friendship very much, but I have lots of sadness about my old friend. I almost feel like I am cheating on her. My husband thinks I am crazy. 

Somedays I feel like one foot is in my old world (like when I eat rice pudding with karren my old friend) and one foot is in the new world ( like when I work out twice in one day because Becky is on her way over to pick me up for an aerobics class). It's just us transitioning into our new self i guess. It issomething we have to go thru to change into who we are becoming. As I write this, I realize it is a healthy positive process. 

Thanks Melissa. Your post helped me sort out my issues. I hope maybe what I am going on and on about is making some sense. I feel like i am rambling and will stop new

 I love OH forum.

Best,

Sharon

You know, when you are SMO it's really really hard to feel like anyone understands and I am sure that's a place where your friends were coming from. Whether it's fair or not - they now classify you as not fitting in any more because they feel you've been a success. Understanding that you may not feel that same feeling of success is not something they are capable of.

One of the things I've always tried to do for myself when I heard it said at a WW meeting was - Whether you have 20lbs to lose or 200lbs to lose. The weight still bothers you just as much. That had never occured to me since I was such a huge person.

I don't think many people get it. And so maybe you don't fit in with them anymore - and while it's always hard to think of letting go maybe its time to move on and find people you have more in common with? It doesn't mean you can't leave the door open for your friends to reach out to you when/if they are ready?

You've still got everyone on this forum and you've had some success, and you're going to have your low days where you need support. Your job is to find who you need to be that support. It sounds like these people really aren't very supportive any longer.

Wishing you all the best. **big hugs**

Brenda~

"Feeling Fat" isn't just the number on the scale, it is one of those emotional issues you will always have.  I get where they would "pop off" at you, so consider where they are coming from, too.  No matter how much weight women lose, we STILL have issues feeling "fat".  

Every time I hear "Hey Skinny," I get VERY defensive, as I am still very large, but I do thank the commenter for acknowledging I have lost 200+ pounds.  I still am fat, still have moments where I feel REAL fat, but I have to remember it is just how I am feeling at that moment.

Hang in there, we ALL have those days ;)  I am sorry you got such a negative response from your friends.

B  :)~

It's sad that they didn't "get it", but... I'm going to play devil's advocate a bit here...

You've lost 150+ pounds. I know when I was 375 and I heard someone at 200 say they were "fat" I wanted to punch them in the face. Just sayin'. I usually just suffered/fumed in silence, so I'm actually proud of them that they said something to do you - about how THEY were feeling and I hope you were able to articulate back that you truly just did have fat days, like anyone else.

No real good answer. I hear people say "You're wasting away" or "wow, you're so skinny now" and I kind of want to punch them too. *laughing*