What the hell is wrong with me????

 Why can't I stop giving in to my cravings?  Really starting to think I am trying to eat myself to death.  I have a great hubby and an amazing little girl.  Why can't I make myself do what I need to so I can. Be here with them for a long time?  I am so disgusted with myself:(

The only true question you need to ask yourself is:  what do you want?
Bottom line, if you keep eating yourself to death, you know the outcome.
Dust yourself off and move on!
Hoping you can find your way,
Nathalie

PS. You can do this

It does not appear you have had surgery yet? Do you have weight to lose before approval? Losing weight is easy, but the steps you have to go through to get there is hard. Easy but so darn hard! WILLPOWER really has to come from you, deep with in you and can be the hardest to find! Think of you first, you are the one that really has to want this so bad, bad enough to tell yourself no, right in the middle of what may seem like pleasure going into your mouth. Somethimes with that first bite, ask yourself is it really worth it. Aim to keep healthy foods for the binge nearby... work on less desire to binge. Really no way in shape of the matter is losing weight easy...surgery or not. Surgery can help but it is not the cure all anwser. Your husband and child are good reasons for you to add to your lists for YOURSELF to want to lose weight... but you have to find it in yourself to do this for you. At 20 months out post RNY I still have to find it deep with in me to keep going and keep up my life long goal to be healthy and at a weight that I can live life. I have to do it for me. It can be a struggle, no matter where you are in your process. DO NOT beat yourself up over your fall outs... stand back up... brush yourself off and try all over again! Keep coming back here... daily... hourly... whatever you need to do. Blog!! Self talk... positives. Look for the tiny littlest positives and make them bigger. YOU CAN DO THIS IF YOU REALLY REALLY WANT TO!
AGAIN IT IS NOT EASY AND WE ALL RECOGNIZE THIS! NO ONE HERE HAS IT "EASY"!

HUGS AND MUCH PRAYER for you at this time. I understand the battles that can go on inside and out.

 Hi Kara,

We all have been where you are right now. I completely empathize with what you are dealing with. Everyday we make decisions that impact which way the journey is going to take us. I have weeks where i just don't stay 100% on program, and the entire time beat myself up and feel disgusted by myself. That is why this is a lifelong journey not a one-time decision.

Only you know what it is going to take to be on board. You have to go to that place and pull yourself out of where you are and move in the right direction,. You can do this, I promise. 

I know you want to change for your little girl, but the only one you can change for is yourself.

The fact that you are here and posting is a huge accomplishment. I lurked for years and went long periods without coming here due to my food addiction. Please keep coming and posting. Please let us know where you are in your journey. Have you had the surgery? If not, where are you in the process? Please share more.

God bless you my dear.

Sharon 

I have been on a waiting list for a consult for surgery for over 2 and a half years now.  I am so afraid that by the time my name makes it to the top of the list it will be too late and the province will no longer cover the procedure.  I have PCOS and suffer terribly from depression.  I am an emotional eater so my depression and my obesity are tightly intertwined.  I have recently decided that I would try to get myself under control again.  A friend of mine has been using Visalus which is a shake program and has had great resutls.  I am planning on starting it next week.  I think the decision to get back on track has sparked fears of yet another failure.  I have been a member of OH since I decided to get a referral for surgery and have posted on the New Brunswick Forum in the past but never felt comfortable there.  My weight has climbed to what I am sure must be over 400 pounds.  I refuse to step on the scale and plan on letting how I feel and how my clothes fit let me know whether or not I am on the right path.  I have also recently downloaded the Lose It app onto my iPhone.  I have been journaling my meals off and on since I did that.  I have come to the realization that financially surgery may not be an option for me so I have to take matters into my own hands.  I want this but still wonder if I am strong enough to get it.  This journey is a lving hell and I kick myself in the ass everyday for having let it get so far out of control.  I am tired of not being able to do things because I am too fat.  I am tired of worrying that my daughter will be teased because of what I look like.  I am tired of feeling embarrassed for my family and friends that have to be seen with me.  I am tired of looking like I do and of being what I am.  It is time to change.  I posted on this board because I felt it would give me the encouragement to do what needs to be done and the replies I received to my original post did not disappoint.  No one understands what it is like until you have lived it and looking at your trackers I can see you have been there too. 

Yes, we have been there. There is hope.

One thing I'd recommend is trying to deal with the underlying depression - I'm not sure whether you are on meds or in therapy, or if you have access to those things, but you might want to consider them.

I'm going to tell you that the Visalus shakes are good - nutritionally, if you want a meal replacement shake - they are not the best options out there, but not terrible. However, I managed to lose 85lbs while I was waiting for surgery, and I did it by simply eating a lower calorie diet, taking baby steps to change my eating habits. I started with one thing at a time - cut the soda, cut the fast food, cut the cookies, cut back on how much pizza I ate, cut the candy, add fruits, add veggies, transition from white simple carbs to whole wheat/multi grain, increase protein meals/snacks. I ate about 1500-1800 calories and lost a lot of weight and i never felt like I was on a diet. I would avoid the whole diet mentality right now - start setting yourself up for a lifestlye change now so that if/when you get surgery, you will be on a great track. If surgery doesnt happen, then you are implementing changes that are sustainable for life.

I started this whole journey because of control issues - I felt absolutely and completely 100% out of control and it scared me, left me feeling hopeless and defeated. To some extent, this process was more about gaining control than losing weight, even though losing weight was necessary and a primary goal. When I struggle now - and trust me i struggle - I think back to why I did this. More than being afraid of gaining weight, I am terrified of losing control and remembering that feeling helps me get back on track. The longer I do this - the more I prove to myself that I am in control - the more I want to avoid lengthy binges and lengthy periods of being "off track". It's like - when I can see that I am strong enough to do this, it builds confidence and helps motivate me. Its a long process though.

The single most important thing is to deal with the mental issues - changing the behaviors is easy. We know what we need to eat in terms of optimal nutrition - but there are underlying reasons why we cant do that - and like most of us, you are an emotional eater. Get to the bottom of that so you can get away from using food as a coping mechanism and basically as a way to self medicate. Unless you do that, you will continue the yo-yo dieting forever.

We are here for you - surgery or not, post often, join us on our weekly threads - we all share a common bond that not many people on this site understand.

 oh, I know how frustrating that long wait is, and I also REALLY understand the "I know what to do to eat healthy and lose weight so why aren't I DOING IT?" scream of frustration.

I went to see a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders to figure it out. I've been seeing her for a while cuz other aspects of my life are screwy too, but we figured out my big issues pretty quickly, although it wasn't quite enough to lose weight, I did at least stop gaining.

finally in December I'd had enough. I realized if I didn't finally do something I'd be the fat lady in the wheelchair that everyone looks at and thinks "oh, if only she'd lose the weight, she'd be able to walk". I may still end up in a chair (2 types of arthritis)' but dammit, not without a fight and not without being thinner!

since then I've lost 38 lbs and gotten myself on the wait list for a VSG consult.

I started by journalling EVERYTHING I ate. Anything with calories gets recorded, even a peppermint. Then I was able to see patterns. I increased my protein & veg and reduced my refined carbs. I started working on silly picky food quirks to stop artificially limiting my food choices. I stopped buying packaged food in large part, and stopped making casseroles. I started eating like a post surgery person - profein first, vegies next, carbs last...

 (sorry, my tablet doesn't like posting here and goes blank on me, forcing me to type blind and submit...)

I am restricting calories, but I'm making it easy on myself - I currently eat a max of 2100 cal per day - a lot (twice most post surgery ppl, if not 3 times) because I'm more concerned with habits and learning to listen to my body than rapid weight loss.  If you try to go from the amount you eat now to 1200 cals you'll be miserable and give up!

I do exercise now - just walking or dancing badly with my Wii. Also have really intense physio 2x per week. Exercise now is about habits more than weight loss, so do what you can.

my worst habits were comfort eating (I'm in pain a lot and would try to medicate with the pleasure of food), mindless escape eating (curling up with a book and a bag of doritos) and boredom eating. I still have a problem with sensation eating (where you see something and think, oh that would taste/feel good, so you eat it immediately, rather than waiting for a mealtime), and a bit with boredom eating, so now I have to record what I'm feeling when I eat, not just shoehorning stuff into my calorie count.

I know you weren't really asking for all this advice, but as I said, I know where youare right now, and this is what helped me leave that llace.

Great posts Nikkal!!

I don't have anything else to add to the amazing advice you've already gotten, just a big HUG