Get a life.

That was the outcome of my therapy session yesterday.

Now of course this conclusion came in a much kinder, gentler manner but the meaning is the same no matter how you slice it.

Like most people, life consists of family, friends and work. My family is in Ontario as is my childhood good friend. My best friend in the entire world is here, however in the last year she met her beau and they were married in June so her priorities are different. So that leaves work. I have a pretty stressful job that I love, admittedly, probably too much. I am easily frustrated that others don't have the same passion or if I believe that things don't go they way they should (I work in healthcare). So because family is far away and my bestie is busy with her new life, all I have is work.

So in the course of yesterday's therapy session and talking about feeling a loss of identity between losing weight (identity of "the fat girl") and losing some of the role of confidente for Cheryl it was determined that I need to get a life.

So my dilema is this: I'm 37 years old, the 2 other women in my life that I have social contact with have their own families and wider social circles so contact is limited. I don't know where to start to find a life. My work schedule is evenings so that cuts out a huge chunk of time that potential social activites occur. My anxiety is high because I have no clue what to do from here.  I'm having a FML moment and feeling "too old" for this.

What about like joining cooking classes? join the library?  maybe some single people would be there, and if not, you might get a new bestie out of it!

Man I suck at finding social events/activities but check the newspaper, maybe some activities in there?

Don't worry tho, work at your own rythm and remember you are a strong woman, you don't need others to get a life, you just need others to make time go by.  At the end, all the memories you'll need are your own, wether it's with others or alone.  Cheesy, I know!  lol

:)
Nathalie

Check with your church for anything they have going.

Believe me, Missey, it's been on my mind.  First problem is that it's summer so most programs are kind of "on hold".  The other issue is that I work week-evenings which is when most programs are going.  I'm thinking about calling the office and requesting to put a small "ad" in the bulletin asking if there are any group bible studies being done that I can join.

I had been looking for a new church for a long time, found this one but haven't gone since the new year.  It's the catch 22 of feeling isolated (from others, not God!) when I'm there but I'm not the type to walk up and introduce myself to a lot of people.  I guess I need to have a talk with my Lord.

 For the past 30 years i have been trying to help my best friend get a life..... I am very busy, happily married, and on the go, go go.

My best friend is the opposite, she's single and works; that's it. That is all she does. She always has an excuse as to why she cannot get a life. For years, i have gently reminded her she is getting older and she should just jump into life. Every year she says," Next year I am going to______." Next year never happens. Now it's30 years later and she is 62. Her body aches because the only movement she gets is from walking to the couch or to her car to drive to work for the past 3 decades.

When I was golfing she was too tired to learn with me. When I was dancing she was watching tv. When I was looking for my husband, she was obsessed with working late all week and then staying in on Friday nights because she was tired from working all week.  My point is she always has an excuse, but time did not wait for her and now she complains that she is lonely and has no life. 

Life is out there. Leave your secure cocoon and live that life you deserve.  You will not regret that. I was terrified to go out alone on a Friday or Saturday night and go dancing by myself. I was a 280# woman amongst 100's of tiny blondes. I used to beg my girlfriend to come with me, but she always was a no show. But it paid off, I met my husband. Years later he still kids me about it. 

The other day I was power walking down a road in 95 degree heat  and along came a car with my best friend driving. She stopped the car, and chastised me for sweating so much and told me to get in the car before i fell flat on my face. I told her to park the car and join me! That's the difference between us. She said  "no way".  Later that night i went out with 4 friends to see a play and then we walked along Lake Michigan along the city skyline. I got home at midnight. My best friend bowed out at the last minute because she just wanted to rest after working all week. When I told her how much fun we had, she said maybe next time.

Go get your life before it is too late my friend.

Best,

Sharon
 

 Ive been in a little bit of the same predicament....but, I've been making progress. 

When I got married at 24, I pretty much isolated myself to just my loser ex....I lost a lot of my college friends as a result, and I ended up moving to LA 400 miles away from my now ex, my friends, and my family. Sooo I pretty much had to start over at 25.

Fortunately, I made friends through work and that became my only social life (but really...working and hanging out with the same people day in/day out...only lasts for so long before we drifted apart) Once we all ended up at offices 50 miles apart, we stopped hanging out. My surgery was the final nail in the coffin for that social group anyways because all they do is eat, drink and party. I havent seen them more than 2-3 times in the last 14 months, so...ive really had a hard time with no social life. 

BUT i have constantly had to push myself outside my comfort zone so that Im not totally isolated. I do a lot of things on my own - hiking, biking, shopping, etc. I dont stop enjoying things I like just bc i dont have anyone to do it with. I hate it and actually dont do it as often as I should but i do get out. 

I also joined a cycling group for about 3-4 months earlier this year. I stopped riding because of some injuries and havent started with that, but im looking for another cycling group. Right now, I am doing group exercise classes witht he same people every day. While we arent friends, there is still some group.social aspect to it which is nice. I moved in with rroommates so that im not always alone, and have become friends with one of them.

Ive made quite a few friends from this site actually. Last night I had a fun night out with 2 wonerful people from here, and regularly hang out with a few people i met here. So, ive had to put myself out there which I hate, makes me uncomfortable, but in this journey thats all about growth its just pat of that process for me. 

Ive dabbled with online dating but for now, thats a no go. Dont know if Ill ever date again haha. 

Im sure my therapist will be telling me something similar pretty soon :-p

Working at night is more challenging than people think. I work some nights- probably less than you do.  But it interferes with midweek church activities and other activities.  I moved half way across the country. I have no close friends outside of work here.  So I get it.  But you still have to keep trying because the therapist is right.  We need the non-work related human interaction. Most of my friends are married with families, and I am not.  So I accept that the phone calls are brief, usually interrupted, and not very frequent.  I know that my isolation here is affecting my progress and mood, but I have faith that it will get better.

I pray for the right people (friends, man, associations, etc.) will come into my life, and that I will recognize them.  So it really is about joining stuff that is available when you are.  If it doesn't work right away, then you move on or try to start something yourself. Also look into volunteering.

I'm no expert. I'm in the process of figuring it out myself. My most recent effort was a local chapter of a professional association meeting that I attended. I'm not officially a member yet, but I introduced myself and volunteered for a committee. So, I am joining in a few days. This guarantees some interaction.

Don't give up.

Learning how to make news friends,  When been closed off.  Face when over three hundred pounds you have brick wall around you. When you have never dated how do you being?  When trust is a big issue?  How do you get a life.  I have people I know. But, I can,t really say I am close to any of them.  Alot of the old friends still weight issues.  I even find  that some of my closes friends  are mad because of the my weight lose.  I think they fill that left them behind.  Because, Going out to eat was big part of what we did together.I spent a big part of my life  reading books is a big thing for me. But, the libruary in a small town is no place to met people.  Most of the people at church my age are married. Since surgery drinking is out of the question. Unless I want to fall on my face. I drink and i am drink and can,t walk straight line or the room starts spinning.  So I stay away from bars.

It is not easy. Some of us, for the reasons you listed, essentially have stunted development. 

I'm not an extravert. I always made extraverted friends because I let them do most of the work. 

It may not be as fast as we want, but we have to stay committed to the effort.

My recent effort:
-I joined a professional association. 
-I signed up for a running group (all fitness levels welcome).  They have 4 meet-ups this week. While my friend is visiting with me, we are going to consider attending at least one of them.  Either way, they occur every week. 

I am visiting churches right now. The one that I like the most doesn't seem to have a singles ministry or small group classes. So I may continue to look.

The effort must be made.

Not sure I have much to offer because I'm a loner. I don't have to have friends and family around to be happy. In fact I moved 3000 miles away from my family just so I could live my way without recriminations. That's not for everyone but I think what is most important is what is important to you.

Do you want to get out and make new friends or "get a life"?  Maybe you have a life that is perfectly fine. Maybe it's not. You just need to decide what is important, what you do want, and then make those changes neccesary to acheive the goal.

Work is not the end all of your social calendar. There are tons of people that work late shifts, graveyard shifts, and day shifts. They all are able to have lives. If you work evenings then look for day groups. The YMCA has tons of people that have exercise, swimming, and dance classes during the day. There are day events for hobbies and the like. Not everything takes place in the evenings as there are many stay at home parents, retired people, alternate shift people, that meet up during the morning and afternoon for various events social gatherings. Even try volunteering for things you like. Also check out what local meetups are in your area. There are tons I wish I could do because they sound fun but I'm working day shift. ;-)

It's not impossible. What you put into your "life" is what you get out of it.