Update to being mad and a realization

So my getting back on track lasted about 3 minutes.

I went to costco today and picked up chicken breasts and premier chocolate shakes.  I am planning to be home this weekend and detox so to speak.

I'm still annoyed with myself but some reflection helps me see part of the issue:

I never thought I would weigh under 300 lbs again unless I was dying of a terminal illness but I did it and on my own. 

When I met with the case manager, I was told that most people can't lose more than 10% of their body weight without some form of medical intervention.  I have lost nearly 20% and on my own.

The bariatric program told me that all my hard work will likely push me through the program faster which means that surgery may just be months away.  I am panicking.  Maybe not on the outside and clearly not consciously but my fear was getting the best of me.  The scale was back up to 301 this morning from my low of 295.4 and I'm pretty sure I haven't eaten enough to put it back on but even if I did, I know I can take it off again.  While I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to work through this but I will. 

Thanks everyone for caring, I appreciate it.

You can and will do this!! You got it! Hugs and much encouragement sent to you to keep going!!

 You are on one of the toughest journeys - There's nothing about this process that is going to be easy - physically, mentally, emotionally. 

You have worked really really hard - you have pushed through so many excuses that people use about why they cant lose weight before surgery, you have made amazing changes, and prepared yourself as much as you can. Spend some time really embracing that. 

 I was definitely really nervous as I got closer to surgery because I wasnt even sure I wanted it since I was losing weight on my own, but I just had to push myself through it. 

One thing Ive noticed along my journey - I always have a "stall" around major milestones because I'm very good at self-sabotage. There's a whole bunch of emotions that go with some of these milestones and they still secretly creep up on me and its almost like im afraid to accompli**** 

Celebrate your progress. Focus on your goals and you can push past this. You've got this!!  I believe in you!

One of the things I have learned through therapy and through my mindful eating program, is how much we undermine ourselves by catastrophic thinking. Having a history of dieting really trains our brains to do a marathon of this crap, and it really takes a lot of intentional work on our thinking process to loosen the reins.

Basically what I am pointing to, is the way that everything goes on the line of every action. On every action and on every choice we make, we put everything that matters to us, and every one of our goals at stake. If we fall, or fail, or choose to take a rest, all of that expectation, all of that critical "at stake" crashes to the ground. It puts all of our successes in shadow, and makes all of our goals unreachable. It is further "proof" that we are failures, that our efforts will not bear fruit.

It serves to underline, what we have "secretly" suspected all along: that this really hard thing I am doing (and am afraid of, that makes me feel vulnerable and challenges me to the core) is not worth doing. It exempts us from having to try by reassuring ourselves that it was never going to work in the first place.

When viewed compassionately, as I try to do a lot these days, this thought trap is really just trying to protect us. Our emotional setbacks are difficult to deal with. When we don't try, we don't risk, and when we don't risk, we don't get hurt. Except you and I and everyone on the over 50 board knows, the reality is that when we don't try and when we don't risk, we get hurt very badly. Our bodies grow and seize and hurt and will eventually kill us.

Changing the catastrophic thinking is just as important to our ability to succeed as learning to eat on plan. When the world doesn't end when we stumble, when the goal is not lost when we fall, when the baby of what we have accomplished is not thrown out with the bathwater of what we just failed to do, it becomes critically easier, and critically more a habit to pick ourselves up, laugh it off and keep moving forward.

So, those are just a few thoughts that might help you move forward.

I think you are doing great. And I think you will be successful, both pre-op and post-op.

Also, I don't know if this would apply to you, but I thought it was worth asking: Often when coming on a major milestone, we stall. Sometimes that stall is just the universe being a ***** ( ), but sometimes we also sabotage ourselves because crossing the threshold is scary. Is there any truth in that for you?

I really do think it's unconscious self sabotage. I've not weighed under 300 since 1999. That's great but also freakin' scary! Like I said in the OP, I think that being aware in itself is a huge step in the right direction.

 There ya go... so then, how do you help yourself through that fear? 

When you think about being under 300.... can you describe how you think you will feel? Can you make lists about what going under 300 will allow you to do... and about ways that being under 300 will change your life?

You are absolutely correct... listen to EVERYTHING Allison says... she's amazing and so smart. I do the SAME thing. I don't know why, but I definitely sabotage myself. I'm doing it now. I'm half way back on track, but still screwing things up. Part of it is fear, I think. I mean, if I get under 200 right now, who I am? I can't remember weighing under that. Do I lose myself too? I'm really good at compromising with myself... yes, I can have that XYZ because, dude, I've already lost 167 pounds and I DESERVE it. Yeah.

My counselor is awesome. I'd probably be an epic failure without her, honestly.

You can do this.  I messed up many times.  The key is not to give up.  I always tell myself every meal is a chance to make the right choice.  I figure if I make more good choices than bad...well than I'm winning the battle.  Just because you mess up a little bit doesn't mean it's over.  You are doing fantastic, give yourself credit for your accomplishment.

As my councellor allways says to me -  "don't beat yourself up over it"  I say if your 1000 calorie diet works for you and your not craving bad foods - go for it, add a multi- vitamin and get your bloodwork done to make sure your not lacking vitamins. 1200 is a guideline for women in general but i think we are all different sizes and have different metabolic rates, so do what works for you.  ( I am not a nut or dietician) okay maybe i am a nut or nutty lol. Hope you get back on track soon. Barb