Ug, 2:52 am...sitting here... Weight is on my mind... I want to be at goal!

Ok, so I know I have come along ways in my weight loss. It seems like so simple some days and then some days it seems like the hardest thing ever! Ok, so today was a difficult day for me. After severe cramping in my legs the night before and had to take muscle relaxers three times through the night. I talked to my personal trainer whom I was to meet with at 10am, we decided it should be a hot bath and rest day. I felt crappy. Tired. Just plain crappy. I had to go to the store and take care of a few things. Met my fiancé for dinner and while walking out of the store we went to, I felt like I was going to pass out. It was terriable. Went to the urgent care since I have had bleeds in my brain and the way I was feeling was very odd. I was told that I was dehydrated and was told no excersize for 24 hours and to drink water and sports drinks.
I have felt this terriable frustrating thoughts since I have been home. A bit angry, I have been drinking over 100 oz of water daily since I started working out so much. The doctor said maybe I was pushing my EXCERSIZE to hard. ?? Where is my fine line of to much EXCERSIZE with so much to lose. I still have near 90 lbs to lose. I have a few more surgeries to endure. Obsessive in thoughts of getting this weight off? Yes, a bit! I sit here thinking to myself, Sherrie just live life and enjoy it. Stop worrying. But then the other voices inside me tell me.... Watch out... Don't just enjoy yourself and not worry.... What is it that I think enjoying life looks like? How come I want to hit my goal faster than rather than working at it and enjoying the time it takes to get there.... After all I have a life time...? Why does it seems so easy but yet so hard... And not get frustrated? Sometimes it seems like I am the only one in the world struggling this fight. But I know I am not. Sometimes I feel like I am smaller. Other times I feel like the enormous person that I always have been. When going to the urgent care, I thought.... Oh God another medical bill and another doctor to have to explain what I have put my body through. Why do I love food so much sometimes and yet hate food at the same time. Angry with my love of food and having to make those decisions every day of what I can have. How much. When do I need to eat. So much thought it is a job every day. So darn easy but so darn hard! EXCERSIZE I love, but no EXCERSIZE today and none tomorrow and then gone out of town until Sunday night. That means not a lot of EXCERSIZE unless I think outside of the box. Again having to really think about what I am eating as I will be around many eating all kinds of yummy foods I know I cannot have. It is also my birthday on Saturday and feeling older. Will not have birthday cake as I know I cannot eat it.
I want and desire to see and have success. But it feels so far fetched. Like the journey is just to big and long.
Yes, I am strong. Yes, I have come along ways. I need to keep pushing on. I hate the guilt when I put something in my mouth that is a bad choice. Why do I have to feel so darn guilty? Why is it when I miss 1 day of EXCERSIZE I feel like the cow I always have been. Is this stupid fear boiling up my frustration. Frustration of failure?
I am in support groups, people say I am motivating, inspiring, and am living success. I feel success for a second, but fight the feelings of failure. I never want to be where I was in my weight and the loss of living life. I am struggling with how my body looks now. All this sagging and hanging skin. Not many know how I loved my fatness for so long... Until I was so big I was really helpless. I was just a breathing heart beating person without being able to really live life. But I was in my skin and plumply fat and pretty. I see me, and the sagging skin and sometimes ask myself what the heck are you doing Sherrie. Look at this disgusting deflated mess you have become. Although I love the freedoms I have now with movement and being able to do things I could not before. Not having the health issues that I had being as heavy as I was. Again, why is this so easy but so hard!? Frustrating but exciting. Attainable, yes!? This will be my job the rest of my life with this thing called my tool, RNY! My tool called brain to make decisions with...not my stomach or my mouth.
One day at a time. That is all I guess I can do. Pound by pound.
Sometimes second by second.
Uggg....sorry to just ramble on. Just thoughts that while I sit in the dark and nobody to talk to at such terriable time of the night.... I come here.

HI There, nice to meet you. I have been around OH for about a year now, and am normally not much of a talker. I read, carry on,..give a few comments here and there.. But I came across this.. I couldn't pass this up. I don't know much about you, but looked at your profile pics, and read this post and well damn what can I say? YOU ARE AMAZING! I am really at a loss for words. Truly I don't know if this will help you, or even if it will really matter but it is people like you that continue to inspire and motivate people like me. I look at the weight I have to lose, and thinkg shoot an ewl of 60% lost and I WILL STILL BE FAT!  But I guess what really matter's is trying right? Attempting to have a better chance at life, and do all the things our "bigger" selves could not do. There is so much of life I am missing out on, and damn enough is enough. I have always been a big girl, and have always been an active sporty girl. Love exercise, and doing things...so I can understand your "need" to exercise, its almost an obssession isn't it? I know with me it was, I would feel soooo frigging bad when I would miss a day due to travelling. My advice get you a really good workout tape to drag along. Or maybe a couch to 5 k program? I am not sure if you are a runner or not,...but worth a shot. I guess sometimes we ourselves are our own biggest critics, and I assume you definitely fall into this category. Just give yourself a chance, and I have a suspicion you won't fail yourself. You will be at goal ...you will get there. My fav quote by St. Frances was Start by doing what is necessary, then do what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible. I could not think of a more fitting motivational quote for you. God bless you, and take care. Good luck!!!!

I just lost my long rambling response

Who said you can steal all the thoughts in my head - I have these exact conversations with myself in my head. I couldnt help my laugh a little about the dehydration thing since I passed out last month and they told me I was dehydrated despite drinking 120+ oz of water a day, easily. What the hell is with doctors and dehydration these days? Is it just easier to say drink some water and you'll be fine??


I thank g-d that we have boards like this where we understand each other. I think we face issues that 90% of the other WLS people will never understand. Most of us have lost more than some of these people even weighed to being with. Objectively, I know I am a "success" - because my America's standards, I have done something that most people can't even dream of, even a lot of people who have WLS. But inside, I feel like a failure on most days. Im haunted with my decisions in the past to abuse my body and now left with daily reminders of fat and skin, and mix of it that makes me look like a train wreck. I constantly fight, every hour of every day, the demons of eating disorders and compulsive eating and intense constant thoughts about food, and choices, and weight loss. After 2 years, it takes it's toll mentally. I think what makes it worse is that people constantly tell me I *can't* feel like that because "look at what i've done". It's so hard to deal with the critiscm of my own feelings. But they are real - what we feel should be validated because we've been through a lot. Sometimes we just need a good outlet to ramble

It depressing to think that I can continue to work my butt off and the end result will be more loose skin. I know I willl have to get plastics, but honestly, that doesnt lessen the mental toll the excess skin takes on me.

I've seriously considered getting to the point of going to counseling just because some days, I feel like I need an outlet to talk about all of this stuff, but i havent done it because I dont feel like anyone else can understand. Certainly none of my friends/family can even come close to comprehending what I'm thinking or why. But,all we can do is keep our heads up at this oint, reach out for support, and keep on going. I hope you know that I am sooo proud of you, and I'm here any time you want/need to talk, and with my current bout of insomnia, i might even be awake at 3am to chat :)

 Sorry for all the typos - ipad is making this difficult and I cant see what ive written on the edit feature. 

I worry and obsess about making it to goal, or hell, even breaking 200.

Why can't I think about how far I've come? How I wore heels to my son's graduation last night and walked my first 5k this morning? Both would have been impossible two years ago.

I was so frustrated earlier this week that I was screaming in the car on the way home from the gym where I had gained some weight. Some days I just want to take a ******g day off from the worry.

I think for me that I think if I don't worry and I do take a day off (and sometimes I do, life is like that) in no time I'll eat my ass right back up to 359.

God bless you. You've worked harder and longer than most people will ever know. We got your back. We love you.

As you always say HUGS to you!

You & Allison inspire me always!

Christine

 I wanted to respond soon, but had a computer prob. I am coming out of the closet. Today was my PAT day for Sleeve surg July 10. I can not believe I am doing this.. But I can't back out now. Getting to this point has been  a yr and half trip for me. I said I would never have surgery. I've lost 100+ lbs more than once. Anyway, let me get to my point. Both of you have lost a tremendous amount of weigh as have several people here, and made major changes in your lives. You had physical surgery and are taking care of your physical body, so why not take care of your mind and mental health too? I'm not saying you are crazy or mentally ill. FAR from it, in fact, just the opposite. Believe me, my therapist is awesome. They do understand the changes you are going through. If they don't find another one. They are like doctors, not all are good and some are great. In my experience, lossing a lot of weight was like losing part of me and something of a grief process. I remember it well. I did not say it would be easy to examine what is inside your head and it is a lot of work, but like WLS worth the pain. This group is the best and feels like home. You all have given me a lot to consider over the last months. So take care of all of you, not just your body. See a psychologist not a psychiatrist (MD). As a nurse I take care of cancer patients, but have not experienced cancer. I take care of NICU babies, but never had a preterm or sick baby. I do understand what they are going through even though I haven't experienced it, I have experienced other traumatic life events.  That is my rant and I definitely understand where you all are coming from. thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's not an easything for me to do. At least I know others have those thoughts too.

I think weight loss is like love. You can't from the inside what things look like from the outside.  So here we are all on the outside telling you that you are doing great and you look great and we want you  to see what we see. Just like when you have a bad boyfriend people tell you he's a rotten turd but you still have those stars in your eyes. So knock the fat stars out of your eyes, take a bow and pat yourself on the back because you are doing an amazing job.

There are plenty of people in the world that will knock you down, don't be one of them. Besides you have done something most people will never understand or be able to do. Head up high. :-)

Wow, I like that....

Knock the fat stars out of my head!!!

Thank you!!

Hugs!!
You put that right into perspective for me!!