Dealing with the shame, anger, fear and self hatred of being a Compulsive Overeater

   This been a crazy week.  I been dealing with not losing anyweight for two months.  My weight lose has come to standstill. It has almost been a year since my surgery. ,So , All of the old fears have come back.  How long before I start regaining. What worst is I have start having craving again for food.  So my wanting to eat compulsively  is back.  I working hard everyday not to give in.  I feel no matter how . I exercise the weight is just not going to come off.  I been between 230 and 220 pounds for the last 4 months.  I can,t seem to get  under 200.  I lost 175 pounds all together.  I don,t know why lately that been living in state of fear.  I not sure if it is getting rid of my crutches,  Since last week I gave away all my old fat cloths. I thought had said, Good bye to the old fat girl. But,  Crazy fear has taken over my life. I don't understand.  Why once in my life.  Why I can't let my self just be happy and Enjoy all the weight I have lost.  Lately I live with my fears , shame, anger and the self hatred that comes with being a recovering Compulsive overeater.  I am so angry with myself for feeling this way.  I truly at much better place than I was 4 years ago. With my depression.  At least I am not blaming God for all my problems.  But, No body wants to talk about the shame carried with all their weight,  Feeling like failure everytime a new diet failed Or The new diet pill did not work. The disappoint you saw in the eyes of a loved one every you failed with your weight lose.  
 The surgery is just a tool and It does not make a lifetime of fears disappear or go away. I know need to rechangle my fear in a good way.  But, that is easier said than done.

 Ive been thinking about this a lot lately because I'm in the same boat. By objective standards, I might be succesful, but I have a lot of shame and fear over some of my compulsive eating and cravings. I live my life very rigidly with my food and everything and I'm afraid to step outside my normal routine in case I can't control myself. As a general rule, I weigh measure and track every bite I eat. It's a pain, and I'm getting some what tired,but ive been doing it for years, and it's a habit now. It keeps me from eating too much.

The absolutely biggest change ive had to make is mental - I have had to move away from this "omg i messed up, im a failure, and I quit" attitude that always ended every diet. I have to learn to accept I will make poor decisions from time to time, and I will suffer from compulsive tendencies, and I have to be able to move past those and not let them derail them. I have had to,and I have to continue, to work on separating my self worth from my decisions - I can make a poor decision, but it doesnt make me a "bad" person, and I shouldn't feel ashamed. I'm human, and I can get back on track. That's what I have to work on to get past some of the shame and embarassment of my eating disorder. 

As for your weight loss - how much are you eating, and what are you eating? Daily calories, protein, carbs? If you aren't tracking, you should track those three things so that you can see what you need to do to start losing again. But, long term WL and maintenance will require a balance of good nutrition, and a healthy mental perspective. You've done very well - i hope you cansee a therapist or finda way to deal with these issues, because they are major feelings to deal with. 

I feel you, I have felt the same way lately. Its been 4 months since Ive lost anything and Im a month away from 1 year postop. This coming weekend im getting back on track and going back to basics, re-removing all the carbs that I have let creep back into my diet and the snacking, all the basics that I have just let fade away. I know what I need to do to lose more and I dont want to be a failure so have to be accountable. I think the fear is self sabotaging to a certain extent. This isnt like any diet we were on before surgery and thats part of the thinking we have to rewire in ourselves. We have a tool that we have to use correctly and that means making changes...which is the hardest part now. It was so easy those first few months when you COULDNT eat. Now we have to put good solid effort into making our tools work properly.

The problem many times is in the head, which frustrates me that surgery doesn't usually include mental health services.  I actually am having to self pay for therapy, as I have lost and gained too many times in the past, that I want to be able to face life without having to have the crutch of food.

I have found that I am an ANGRY eater -- my daughter pushed my buttons one afternoon, "That's it, I'm hitting Taco Bell!!!"  When I realized I wasn't hungry, just angry.  I hadn't had a Taco Bell craving in so long, I laughed when I put two & two together -- I didn't pick up Taco Bell, by the way.

I also exercise like crazy -- swam 500 MILES last year, and my goal is 600 this year.  My weight wasn't coming off, so I started to think, "I haven't been keeping a food journal, I wonder...?"  My first DAY, 1900 calories!!!!  What? What! What?  Problem solved, and I have been keeping a daily (there's n app for that!) food journal for two months now -- NO MISSED DAYS!  The OTHER thing you may find interesting, I am finally and slowly losing after my panniculectomy.  LESS fat cells to deal with - may or may not have a connection, but I am LOSING again.

There isn't just ONE reason, in my case, it has been three issues I worked on.  Your body is also at a set point (look it up), and it will take a reduction in calories to break it -- not just the exercise.  Another thing - do you cross train or do one type of exercise every day -- it will make a difference.  Hang in there, keep a positive outlook -- you've lost 175 POUNDS -- you are still in a better place stuck then you were before you started this journey.

It will happen -- that you are reaching out tells me this!!!

Brenda : )~

 The emotional component of my overeating was huge for me.  I've done therapy (and recommend it), and also found a book that I really liked "Women Food and God," by Geneen Roth.  This book gave me insight into the lifetime of negative conditioning that was so imprinted in me that I didn't even realize the thoughts were there, chipping away at my attempts to tame my relationship with food.

The theme of the book is that the way we eat, the way we think about food and handle ourselves around it is the way we do everything.  It helped me understand intuitive eating (listening to your body to discern what it wants) and now that I am 2 weeks post op from my VSG I'm going back to it again for a refresher.

Hope that helps.

Zanne

I'm in the same boat. I'm almost a year out and haven't lost much the past 4 months. I've reintroduced bad carbs and sugars into my diet. I have noticed that I am doing more emotional eating and letting head hunger come back in control.  I've come too far to let them take over and need to find the willpower to stop. I did therapy for a couple of years and thought I had it under control before surgery. I realize now that it will always be an issue. I thought I could start being "normal" and eat like a normal person after losing so much weight. I realize I can't. I am not and will never be "normal". I am an addict. Carbs & sugar is my drug. I cannot have any. I guess the first step is realizing it and I pray I have the strength to clean out the cupboards and stop.

Hugs to you. This is not an easy journey. The surgery was the easy part. The further out we get is when it seems to become hard.