Dating help!!

Now that I'm finally divorced, I decided to make an attempt at dating. I say attempt because I dont have a whole lot of energy for dating right now. I really don't like it -its awkward and ughh....

But, that being said, I've went out on two dates with this guy and it's been good. Ive enjoyed our dates, he's very much a gentleman, and we can seem to talk for hours. The topic of WL/WLS has not come up and I really don't want to bring it up. I guess I'm starting to feel like I want to forget that part of me, and I'd rather not tell him I used to be SMO or had WLS. This is a relatively rare feeling for me - i usually have no problem telling people. But, that's a big problem because 1) if I ever bring him around friends/family, they are still getting used to the new me and comments are going to be made, 2) it's a huge part of who I am in reality and 3) if there was ever any intimacy, it will be obvious. I have no idea how to bring it up - he hasnt asked about my small meals or not drinking while eating. I told him I didn't want to get drinks because I was "on a diet" but that's the extent of it.

It will be a nice long while before I have to worry about any intimacy issues because I'm just not prepared to go there any time soon and we live pretty far from each other, so if things continue, it will be the super slow track, but every time I see him/talk to him, I feel like I'm hiding something though.

What do I do? My first gut reaction is just to stop dating and forget this whole process. I used to be afraid I'd be alone forever, and now it's sounding a lot better than having to put myself out there and deal with these issues.

 First of all Congrats of jumping back on the saddle!

In regards to the WLS discussion, it can wait. You should definitely continue dating him and whoever else floats your boat but you don't have to lay your private business on the table for review. I don't think this is any different from let's say disclosing your past sexual partners or your medical history.

If and when you are comfortable discussing it with him the words will fly out your mouth. Until then just enjoy getting to know each other.

I can see both sides...on one hand, if he's going to be a shallow asshat who looks down on you for having WLS or for having been SMO, its good to know that now. On the other hand, there's no real need to discuss any surgical history with him after 2 dates. I doubt you've already discussed tonsillectomies, wisdom tooth extraction or if he's had a vasectomy...so why talk about WLS before he meets Uncle Steve or Mom.

 The only thing that makes me feel it's a little different than routine medical stuff is that having been SMO my entire life played a large part of my identity and character. Right now it's not a big issue because we barely know each other but eventually...it will have to come out. I don't think this particular guy would care much but it still has to be a little bit of a shock to find out someone was 200+ heavier.  I don't know :-/

I am going to read this very carefully and respond to you. Dating can be hard even with out the WLS factor so I want to make sure I give you a really well thought out response.

 As my BFF tells me "***** - you're crazy, go get laid"!  

I might have too much time on my hands to think about all this. 

LMAO! I think I adore your BFF and that advice. There is some freedom without getting mentally involved with someone although it doesn't sound like that is what you're after here.

So I met my spouse online and we've had our ups and downs and he knows he's about to go down a road with me when I have my WLS. I had ONLY dated online because I felt it was just really important that a guy "get to know me" without looking at me. It paid off because the guys once I met them were total heels or were really fabulous.

What I found with my husband is that what worked for us was full disclosure. We were able to have great conversations and just clicked. Now - there is not a lot of parrallels between my type of dating and your situation. Since you seem to be spending some time putting thought into it - my suggestion is that you just pick a number of dates where you feel like it's going from casually and occasionally seeing someone to someone you are genuinely interested in.

When you hit your magic number I think some disclosure is in order. I only think this because it's part of your identity. The small meals, not drinking while you eat, and working out take up a chunk of what your goals are and what you try to accomplish on a daily basis. Having been SMO, it's part of what makes you Alison.

And if he isn't totally grooving on how incredibly fabulous you are, he's not work getting to know your lovely lady bits down the road when you ARE ready for intimacy.

But I honestly beleive only YOU can decide at what point things are changing from casual to something a bit more than casual. Also just because some disclosure is in order doesn't mean full disclosure. You don't have to tell him exactly what you weighed, what the whole process was like, and every single detail. Bottom line? You choose when and how much to share. I just think you should so it doesn't mess with your head. Better to rip the bandaid off before it gets too cemented.

Hope this made sense! Best of luck to you.

Brenda

 Good avice - I hadn't considered a partial disclosure. I just assumed I'd open my mouth and blah blah blah. 



Id be down for an arranged marriage right about now :-p

I understand wanting to be honest and upfront about who you are. You are 100% right. Being SMO shapes us in ways many will never know about.

I think you should enjoy this time. And tell him when it is right for you.

Just have fun!
Christine

I haven't dated men in a looooong time, but I do remember that most of them didn't really care about all the stuff in your past. They pretty much, are into you or they're not. It seems like while women are agonizing over every little detail- they are just thinking about your boobs.

So, my advice is go with Brenda's advice ;)  If you get to X number of dates and it looks like this is going to be more than just a hook-up- then tell him. But don't do it in a somber way like "Oh I have this awful thing to tell you...." Instead, be like "Oh you know I'm even more fabulous that you realize, cuz I also have the drive and determination to lose over 200lbs and I'm so super happy and proud of the awesomeness that is me" People generally respond to your positivity with more positivity!

Best of Luck! I know it isn't easy, I was so nervous before dating my now wife (though she knew me before and liked me then too) about the excess skin. But just like EVERYONE I personally know who's post-op, said their partner didn't care- and that it's WAAAAY better than before! :)