Why Do I Sabotage myself...and then cry
Sigh- well I have managed to sabotage myself into gaining about 5 pounds. Why do I do this? Why do we do this? I am not sure if anyone else is experiencing this 'fear' or self sabotage. I've been going through so much emotionally lately. I've lost a ton of weight. My starting weight was 449 and I am now 266 (271) just weighed. I keep the 266 becasue the other weight is just a lie that will go away. I am trying to sabotage myself I can feel it. I feel depressed because the scale has not really bulged for over a month. I've stopped working out because of school and I keep telling myself when it's over I'll go back. I am scared out of my mind of gaining weight back and I am unhappy with my health issues at the moment. A lot of things I cant' control are happening and it's upsetting me. My mother's situation is causing me a lot of grief subconsciously and I am beginning to self-medicate with food. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! HELP! 
You are going through a lot. Cut your self a little slack - but just a little.
You are human. You have emotions, and now you have to find a way to deal with them. It's probably the hardest thing we have to do - especially for those of us that ate our way to very high BMIs.
Work on getting control of the things that you can - you can plan your fod, you can track your food, you are in control of the what comes into your house (i hope at least a little), you are in control of the choices you make hour by hour, day to day. You can control when you exercise.
Make a plan. On paper. Schedule time for you. That should help make you feel a little more in control. For the things that you can't - acknowledge and accept that. It's okay to cry if you want to.
Here's a recomendation that helped me with my emotional eating issues. When you are going through a tough time, write down what you are feeling. Then, you can eat. And when you're done - go back and see how you feel. For me, the problems were still there - i was still stressed, angry, happy, what ever. I realized that food was nothing more than a 5 minute numbing agent that really didnt solve my problems. When I got to that point where i realized that, i was more conscious of and able to control my emotional eating a little better.
You are doing great - dont let those 5 lbs de-rail you.
You are human. You have emotions, and now you have to find a way to deal with them. It's probably the hardest thing we have to do - especially for those of us that ate our way to very high BMIs.
Work on getting control of the things that you can - you can plan your fod, you can track your food, you are in control of the what comes into your house (i hope at least a little), you are in control of the choices you make hour by hour, day to day. You can control when you exercise.
Make a plan. On paper. Schedule time for you. That should help make you feel a little more in control. For the things that you can't - acknowledge and accept that. It's okay to cry if you want to.
Here's a recomendation that helped me with my emotional eating issues. When you are going through a tough time, write down what you are feeling. Then, you can eat. And when you're done - go back and see how you feel. For me, the problems were still there - i was still stressed, angry, happy, what ever. I realized that food was nothing more than a 5 minute numbing agent that really didnt solve my problems. When I got to that point where i realized that, i was more conscious of and able to control my emotional eating a little better.
You are doing great - dont let those 5 lbs de-rail you.
www.sexyskinnybitch.wordpress.com - my journey to sexy skinny bitch status
11/16/12 - Got my Body by Sauceda - arms, Bl/BA, LBL, thigh lift.
HW 420/ SW 335 /CW 200 
85 lbs lost pre-op / 135 post op
~~~~Alison~~~~~
Alison gave you great advise.
I would just like to add two thoughts.
You can't affect the past, the only thing you can do is learn from it. So let go the feeling at you screwed up, even if you did, and move forward resolving not to do it again. The future you can affect.
When I see the word "depressed" in your post, I would suggest that you may want to talk to your primary doctor. I am not saying you need medication. I am suggesting that doctors now of days are trained to tell the difference between the normal depression we ail have on occasion and more serious depression.
Hang in there,
Gary
I would just like to add two thoughts.
You can't affect the past, the only thing you can do is learn from it. So let go the feeling at you screwed up, even if you did, and move forward resolving not to do it again. The future you can affect.
When I see the word "depressed" in your post, I would suggest that you may want to talk to your primary doctor. I am not saying you need medication. I am suggesting that doctors now of days are trained to tell the difference between the normal depression we ail have on occasion and more serious depression.
Hang in there,
Gary
The problem is you already know what you are doing wrong and are not doing any thing to change it. Why is that. What kind of Help do you want. Only you know the answer in your heart. Find what you are afraid of. Some people are afraid of success.
Surgery does not change who you are. Or Who you family is. Or Your past Or, How you deal with your problems on a emotional level. Don,t just hide.
On another post a women told us that. She gained back 80 pounds. But, Did not know it. Because Her Doctor changed her medication and She just thought she was just bloated. Not gaining weight back. How can a person gain 80 pounds back and not know it. Even ten pounds. You are just telling lies to yourself.
Find out what is scaring you. I know alot of things scare me. What is stopping you from facing your problems head on. What,s is stopping you from getting up early and exercising is it your mother to blame for all your problems or stress. Will you blame your Mothers Problems for your weight gain or College or Your kids, or The Doctor. The blame game is easy.
I,m a slider too. I like to slide by lifes problems and pretend they don,t exist. Especially my weight. Even people that hurt me emotionally. Exercise I hate but, I know I have got to do it.
I pretended for years that being fat was normal for a person like me. Since had been fat all my life and Everybody in my family was fat. That all those people at school and in life in general. Who told me to lose weight all my life must be wrong. Or had no understanding of body types. Because, I had tried to lose weight all my life.
I also thought. Most of the people in my family died young. So most likely I was too. Until my weight started to kill me at 395 pounds at 36 years old. My brother died at 40 weighting almost 600 pounds. I new I was dying too. I hurt all the time and was dying a slow death. Could not sleep in a bed. But, Felt hopeless to change anything. So, I just ate and changed nothing. What crazy I lived on a low fat diet but, Never lose any weight. I thought that everybody else must had been wrong. All those people have know idea what I went through in my life.
How many times. I had tried to lose weight almost killing myself.
You have to take responibility for your feeling. It your depressed get help. Don,t lets shame stop you. You were 449 pounds actually bigger than me at my biggest. But, I still know what it is like to be trapped in a body you feel you have know control over. But, That the problem. You do have control over your body and what happens to your body to a certain point.
At my heaviest weight. I hated myself so much. Even though, I was a really good person all my life. But, I felt I did not deserve to live. That God did not care about me. Because, He never answered my prayers to be thin. Or ever close to a normal weight my entire life. But,I also was to much of a coward to kill myself. I was afraid. I would go to Hell. But, That was even crazy because, My life was so bad that everyday. I was in living Hell . Living in my own body was a worst kind of Hell. . I was in a No Win situation. Just wanting to die all the time hating my life. Hating my job. Hating my family. Having know friends.
Sometimes, It takes years to find out what you want out of your life.
First, Of all knowing I really did not want to die because, If I did being a nursing. I know a million ways to kill myself painlessly. With know way to change the out come.
You have to quite sliding through life. You have get off the pot or take a **** Make decision to get yourself some help. You can,t stead your life sitting on a couch wait to die. Even with Depression Medication it took years for me to get over my depression and my stress disorder. Therapy helped. But, It took years of hard work to get my self to a place where can enjoy life again and feel hope. I hate to go out in public because, For years people made fun of because, Of being fat. Since , I was a child.
How could I learn to like myself let alone love myself. When people only looked at you for years with only discuss in their eyes.
It took hearing a long time before , I really believed it. About God making every person on this earth different and amazing in thier own way. Even when I hated myself. I new in my heart. I was an amazing person. Even if the rest of the world just did not know it. But, They were to busy judging the fat person. I was fat.
You can never be in a big of a emotional hole as I was. But, Everybody is different and have faced different kinds of emotional and physical abuse in diffent kind of ways. Their is know hole or black pit. That you can,t dig yourself out of. Mine was ten mile deep and fifty miles wide. If you want to. Get the help you need. Don,t slide your way back up the scale.
Find one thing in life that make you happy. It has to be something inside yourself. A passion you have for something. You can,t build you happiness on other peoples lives. Once find your passion you will find your reason to lose weight. You will not even think about your weight. You will be to busy.
Dr. Phil McGraw has a great book. The Ultimate Weight solution. The 7 keys to weight loss Freedom. It really help with the emotional eating and How to deal.
Compulsive Over eating is a disease and a medical problem that can kill you. It killed my brother. It almost killed me. Even after had Gastric- by-pass and lose a lot of weight. He just started eating again til he killed himself. You need to get real emotional and medical help for your problems. A 10 ten-Step program can help. Or, Overeater Anonamious.
Find out what works for you.
Their will always be people in your life. Even people you love. Who will try and drag you into their blackholes or into their problems. They are ways to deal without making their problems your problems. Sometimes you have put distance between your problems and their problems.
That is why counseling and therapy helps.
Surgery does not change who you are. Or Who you family is. Or Your past Or, How you deal with your problems on a emotional level. Don,t just hide.
On another post a women told us that. She gained back 80 pounds. But, Did not know it. Because Her Doctor changed her medication and She just thought she was just bloated. Not gaining weight back. How can a person gain 80 pounds back and not know it. Even ten pounds. You are just telling lies to yourself.
Find out what is scaring you. I know alot of things scare me. What is stopping you from facing your problems head on. What,s is stopping you from getting up early and exercising is it your mother to blame for all your problems or stress. Will you blame your Mothers Problems for your weight gain or College or Your kids, or The Doctor. The blame game is easy.
I,m a slider too. I like to slide by lifes problems and pretend they don,t exist. Especially my weight. Even people that hurt me emotionally. Exercise I hate but, I know I have got to do it.
I pretended for years that being fat was normal for a person like me. Since had been fat all my life and Everybody in my family was fat. That all those people at school and in life in general. Who told me to lose weight all my life must be wrong. Or had no understanding of body types. Because, I had tried to lose weight all my life.
I also thought. Most of the people in my family died young. So most likely I was too. Until my weight started to kill me at 395 pounds at 36 years old. My brother died at 40 weighting almost 600 pounds. I new I was dying too. I hurt all the time and was dying a slow death. Could not sleep in a bed. But, Felt hopeless to change anything. So, I just ate and changed nothing. What crazy I lived on a low fat diet but, Never lose any weight. I thought that everybody else must had been wrong. All those people have know idea what I went through in my life.
How many times. I had tried to lose weight almost killing myself.
You have to take responibility for your feeling. It your depressed get help. Don,t lets shame stop you. You were 449 pounds actually bigger than me at my biggest. But, I still know what it is like to be trapped in a body you feel you have know control over. But, That the problem. You do have control over your body and what happens to your body to a certain point.
At my heaviest weight. I hated myself so much. Even though, I was a really good person all my life. But, I felt I did not deserve to live. That God did not care about me. Because, He never answered my prayers to be thin. Or ever close to a normal weight my entire life. But,I also was to much of a coward to kill myself. I was afraid. I would go to Hell. But, That was even crazy because, My life was so bad that everyday. I was in living Hell . Living in my own body was a worst kind of Hell. . I was in a No Win situation. Just wanting to die all the time hating my life. Hating my job. Hating my family. Having know friends.
Sometimes, It takes years to find out what you want out of your life.
First, Of all knowing I really did not want to die because, If I did being a nursing. I know a million ways to kill myself painlessly. With know way to change the out come.
You have to quite sliding through life. You have get off the pot or take a **** Make decision to get yourself some help. You can,t stead your life sitting on a couch wait to die. Even with Depression Medication it took years for me to get over my depression and my stress disorder. Therapy helped. But, It took years of hard work to get my self to a place where can enjoy life again and feel hope. I hate to go out in public because, For years people made fun of because, Of being fat. Since , I was a child.
How could I learn to like myself let alone love myself. When people only looked at you for years with only discuss in their eyes.
It took hearing a long time before , I really believed it. About God making every person on this earth different and amazing in thier own way. Even when I hated myself. I new in my heart. I was an amazing person. Even if the rest of the world just did not know it. But, They were to busy judging the fat person. I was fat.
You can never be in a big of a emotional hole as I was. But, Everybody is different and have faced different kinds of emotional and physical abuse in diffent kind of ways. Their is know hole or black pit. That you can,t dig yourself out of. Mine was ten mile deep and fifty miles wide. If you want to. Get the help you need. Don,t slide your way back up the scale.
Find one thing in life that make you happy. It has to be something inside yourself. A passion you have for something. You can,t build you happiness on other peoples lives. Once find your passion you will find your reason to lose weight. You will not even think about your weight. You will be to busy.
Dr. Phil McGraw has a great book. The Ultimate Weight solution. The 7 keys to weight loss Freedom. It really help with the emotional eating and How to deal.
Compulsive Over eating is a disease and a medical problem that can kill you. It killed my brother. It almost killed me. Even after had Gastric- by-pass and lose a lot of weight. He just started eating again til he killed himself. You need to get real emotional and medical help for your problems. A 10 ten-Step program can help. Or, Overeater Anonamious.
Find out what works for you.
Their will always be people in your life. Even people you love. Who will try and drag you into their blackholes or into their problems. They are ways to deal without making their problems your problems. Sometimes you have put distance between your problems and their problems.
That is why counseling and therapy helps.
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