7th week in Intensive Out-Patient Eating Disorder Program

 Well it has been a few weeks since I have blogged because I have been totally swamped and trying to juggle everything.  I just completed 7 weeks of program and I am proud of my progress so far and my mindset is changing for the better.  I am not freaking out because I can’t do it all and make changes as quickly as I thought I would or would like to.

 

I have been focusing on philosophy of program of 3 meals and 3 snacks and making my eating disorder of binging a 3rd person and talking to it and telling it I am stronger than it and that I will win and I do not need it any longer and that I will not let my Eating Disorder dominate my life any more.  It is a sick relationship and our therapist or director of program is helping us to see just how dependant we have been with our relationship with food.  We treat food like a friend.  I am sure some of you can relate.  In the last couple of weeks it has been compared to an abusive relationship and being kidnapped and beginning to love the kidnapper even though the kidnapper is abusing you.  These illustrations have really helped me to have a break through this week.  Everyday I am getting stronger and talking to my ED and letting it know I am done letting it get the best of me and I will learn how to survive without it.  I can't explain to you how hard this week has been but wow it is refreshing to get it out.  I am getting better with less weigh ins and I do believe not counting calories is good for me at this time.  I am using the sheets from my program to log my food.  If any of you want me to email you a copy of this sheet let me know.  They are very useful to me by letting me hash out thoughts and feelings and how they relate directly to relationship with food.  

I have been averaging 2 binges a week for the last 2 weeks which is good and I am really getting down some of the new philosophies of the eating disorder program and they are working for me too.  I have lost 7 of the 12 pounds I gained since program and this is what she told us.  She said it would get worse before we started to get better and heal ourselves of the many demons we have been holding on too for too long.   

I have been swamped these days and sometimes it can be very overwhelming.  But I am hanging in there.  It is worth the effort.  I am getting much needed help.

I hope to get back to the health club at least twice a week starting next week.  I am managing to do on average 30 to 45 min of exercise everyday.  And that is better than nothing. 

I'm so proud of you!!! Thanks for stopping by to update us. I can't wait to hear how everything turns out.

   Keep up the good work.  Stay strong.   So proud of you.  You not just talker your a doer.  Finding a program and completing it.  Be proud of yourself.  I pray that you get to where want to be in your life. 
      It like going to a new place in your life..  A place where you have never been before .  A place your have been  dreaming about , working for, searching for, praying for, hoping for and killing yourself for your entire life.   It is a place deep down in your soul.  That   place scares you to death.   Even through your intelligent , smart and educated , love yourself and even know in your heart that God loves you just the way you are. 
       You still can,t get there or truly ever be happy with yourself til you get there.   Just once in your entire life. It the scariest place in the world.  It the place where size does not matter.  Because , You are one of the skinny people who never gains any weight or worry about eating.  To me it has always been a dreamland.  A place that has broken my heart more times than most people can image.  I hope find that place in your life with your struggle with food.  Where nothing matters and you can just be happy with yourself, Love yourself and have no worrys.
  Even though I have had the my surgery five months ago and Have been following my program  I am still at a place where I wish I was thin .  But, Still in my heart and soul still can't ever image that I can get there.  Even through.  I was at 395 pounds and have 135 pounds all together and 75 pounds since my surgery.  I should be happy.  It should be a blessing.  A miralce.   But, All I can think about is  will I ever get under two hundred  fifty pounds.Or  Even two hundred.

  I remember just fall on my face again at 250 pounds. So many times.  That the mark that I have never been able to get under.  In my thirty,  I started walking for three hours to fours a day.  I ate three meals small meals a day and my two snacks.  But, Even through, I lost 80 pounds could not get under two hundred and fifty pounds.  No matter  how much exercise. I did and I almost killed myself.  Trying to get under 250 pounds.   Which was my high school weight. I was two hundred pounds at age twelve.
   I know, I am a educated women and should not lead with my heart . But, with my head and with my brain.

Thanks Doris!!  I am learning to know focus on the number on the scale but that is easier said than done.  But I am working to get there and have hope and know I am going to reach my goals.  I may not get to that dream like weight I wish I could but I am not going to let that define me anymore.  Will I stop trying.  Probably not but it will not define my perception of ME.  I will not and do not think I am a failure now.  I am in a very positive place and I do love myself and think I am worth it.  I still struggle and battle with scale but I am learning to let the scale obsession go.  I did tell my therapist since the scale is the one thing I know will stop me when I am in binge mode I will not give it up 100 percent and that is the wonderful thing about program they do not want or expect perfection even when I am discharged.  The expectation is 80 percent and they admonish us to get rid of that all or nothing thinking.  Black and white thinking and perfectism. We do not have to be perfect.  
Thanks for your support and keeping in touch.  

Congrats again on your 75 pounds lost!!  I know you feel great!  

Molly,

It takes GUTS and fortitude to share your struggle.  The cool thing is, you have so many people in this world cheering you on, and waiting to hear how YOU are doing/feeling.

I know I have issues to work on, and it is encouraging to hear you are making progress.

Stay the course!  Stay Positive!!!
Brenda : )~

Hello Brenda.

Thanks so much!  how are you doing?>

Molly

Hey Molly -- and everyone else!

I had a less than motivating week, last week -- when I feel like that I usually just keep to myself (I am way behind on responding to folks!)  At eleven months out (RNY), I have lost 155 pounds, but like everyone else, I am feeling like I haven't done enough & emotionally (the key is hormones - ha ha) I was not in a good place last week.  With all you folks out there concerned about plateaus and "falling off the wagon," or whatever the term, IT HAPPENS.  What you do when it happens dictates how you move forward ;)

Molly, you are phenomenal!  I applaud you going into a program that I think many (me included - twice over!!!) would benefit from.  Emotions have a bad way of steering us in the opposite direction - am I right?!  Take time to gather up your moxy and go forward!

I am about to get my shrinking body into one of my many swimsuits, and go swim so laps - what I do five days a week!  Molly will tell anyone who will listen that you need movement (exercise) to really succeed at this journey!

High Five Molly - you are doing wonderfully!  An inspiration to MANY of US out in OH-land!

Brenda : )~

155 pounds in 11 months is excellent progress!!  That is way over 10 pounds a month!! Congrats!

Wow Molly, powerfull stuff.

Keep up the great work, your strength is shining through in your post.

Stay strong.

Gary

Thanks so much Gary!