Friends

I have a dear friend who moved to Arizona from Minnesota (where we both lived).  She was back visiting and I saw her yesterday for the first time since I had my RNY.   She proceeded to tell me how many people gain back their weight.  She gave me diet tips, suggestions, etc.  and I got tired of the conversation.  She kept saying "don't gain the weight back, Mary - people do that and you don't want that to happen."   Really???  Reallly???  I haven't even gotten anywhere near my goal, and I'm already getting advice.  It felt so negative.

I know she really cares about me, and struggles with her own weight (about 30 pounds up and down), but I wanted to talk about other things, and kept changing the subject.  She kept bringing it back telling me to write down those things I couldn't do when I was that heavy, so i wouldn't forget how hard it was.  Sheesh.  I know THAT and I do know that if I take it for granted, it will lessen the chances of long-term success, but I was not in the mood to hear her take on it again and again. 

I like this friend a lot, but I couldn't think of a way to get her off the topic.  I even said "yes, my doctor says such and such" and I'm well aware of the risks and things like that.

Well... you get the picture.   THANKS for letting me vent!

Hi Mary,

I brace myself any time anyone starts with the sentence, "I know someone who had surgery and..." 

I know over all folks are very well meaning, but I don't think they understand how defeating it can be to hear the horror stories, especially since so many folks don't know those horror stories first hand.  I too would have been frustrated by this interaction.  I may have taken it as an opportunity to say, "Can we pause for just a moment?  I'd like to share with you how it makes me feel when you share these things..." 

I have a thin friend that I've grown accustomed to just laying it out on the table with.  I've found that unless I do that she really has no clue just how her words sound to me.  Some folks talk like this out of jealousy, but I think most just want to be helpful and don't think through what it feels like to be in our position and be on the receiving end of such "advice." 

Hugs to you!

Thanks for that, Michelle.  I guess the hardest part was our time together is so limited, and she chose to spend it on repeating her message to me.  I think sometimes people really DO care, but as you say, don't understand how their advice comes across.   She wasn't offensive, just irritating!

Also, i miss our close friendship, now that she's gone, and it is changing.  I'm not one who loves that!  I will think about your response for a long time.  You are right.