emotions....

 I guess i will start by saying im sorry for rambling because i know this will probably be long.. im going through some major emotional issues right now.. and i dont really have anyone i can talk talk to.. sure i have friends and family etc.. but none of them really know where im coming from.. so.. after thinking for a few days i decided to come here.. where i know there are ppl who either have been or are where im at emotionally.. im finding it very hard to accept compliments..  not that i havent ever got any.. but not like this.. im not used to ppl being genuinly proud of me..  instead of it making me feel better about myself it makes me feel like im a failure or going to fail them... even tho i started this journey for me.. it seems to be becoming about them.. i've never been a person who does something half way.... once i put my mind to something i do it till its done... that being said.. thats why no diets worked.. i would lose then regain once at goal.. and why i decided i needed wls to begin with.. so when i got to the point where i felt i was "done" i would still have a tool inplace to keep me for over indulging.. im a few days short of 5months out.. have lost 66 lbs since surgery.. a total of 122 lbs since july of last yr,, but i feel like im failing.. i cant see it as the big picture.. i dont know why?.. i feel like im gona totaly screw this up any day now.. i dont "dump" least not often.. only once so far.. on peaches.. ieat what im allowed.. in small quanities and i feel like im always full either from food or water..  but im afraid that when that satiated feeling goes away.. like some on here have described.. i wont be able to  stay on track.. i never ate 3 meals a day in my life till few months pre-op and i was doing shakes to accomplish that.. i was  a one meal a day kinda person.. and when i ate i ate.. not massive quanities but more then a normal serving.. i was never a grazier.. but now i feel like when eating 3 meals a day and 2 snacks thats all i do is EAT EAT EAT EAT... i cant grasp it in my mind..  was always told "what goes past the lips shows up on the hips" -mom... been in diets since i was 9, told eat less lose weight...now i eat less then a cup of food per meal les then 1/2 cup per snack so thats what total of estimated 4 cups per day...... but it seems like OH SO MUCH MORE!!!! i know pre-op i coulda ate that in one sitting depending on what it was.. soup definitly.. ice cream for sure... buttery popcorn without blinking...but since being on liquids, then having to learn how to eat all over again.. i guess what it boils down to is....i just dont have a good relationship with food...  i want these changes to last.. and i want to LIVE a healthier life style... im tired of existing... even tho i have come so far i still have that much more to go...  i dont want this to be another failed attempt.. i dont want to let ppl down who are trying to be so supportive.. hell i dont want to let me down... i've been going up and down in lbs this month.. im technically down 9lbs in 30 days but... its been gain some lose some gain lose gain lose.. all month..even tho im getting in all my protein, drinkin enough water, excercising as much as i can..  doing everything right.. lbs just want to keep creeping back on..  i think i just need to know im not the only one going through all of this.... somebody please tell me its not just me... 

hey peggy!

i'm here to tell you -- IT'S NOT JUST YOU. i'm 4.5 years out, but clearly remember the feelings you're experiencing now. and my history is very similar to yours. i, too, never did things "half way" -- i've successfully lost hundreds of pounds over my lifetime, but always with a regain after achieving a goal.

and i also remember feeling like i was eating all the time, and feeling guilt when i put anything in my mouth -- even though i was eating what i should, the amount i should, etc. i felt like if i ate anything, it was going to be the beginning of the big, public failure.

the emotions are so wild at the stage of the journey where you are presently. i've read that hormones are stored in fat, and in the process of losing weight quickly, those hormone levels get all out of wack -- causing the emotional havoc many of us experience. i'm a person who rarely displays emotions...i was raised that way. i recall reading about the emotional mood-swings others were experiencing and thinking - well, nothing like that is happening to me. then one day, things were chaotic at work, and i found my self sitting at my computer at work -- crying. me, CRYING at work! this is not something i'd ever experienced before. and then i thought, hey, that emotional thing IS happening to me, too!

i don't have any advice or real words of wisdom for you -- just to say "you're not alone" and you need to hang in there, do what your doctor's plan directs you to do, and this turmoil, too, shall pass!

all the best to you.

deb

 Thank u, i think thats all i really needed was just to hear someone else understands... and venting also helped... 

Don't feel ashamed if you have to go to a few session with a therapist to sort this out.  Also, it's private anyway.

You are using your tool well.  You are developing a more normal realationship with food.

Don't project into the future.  I still emotionally eat if I don't keep it in check, but I still don't have a big appetite at 3 years out.  This time will be different, because it is different!  

At this point it is easy to get very frustrated about how much farther you have to go.  Embrace your increased mobility and how much more liberated you feel.  Compare yourself to you and not the lower BMI folks.

Weight flucuation is normal and thin folks go through it too.  Maybe you should weigh only once a month so you see the 9 pounds over 30 days instead of the normal flucuations.  9 pounds in a month is great!!

Keep up the good work  Loris

 i was seeing a therapist pre-op.. but it caused more problems then it helped..  my marriage is delicate has been for years.. it always seems right on the breaking point.. and if i were to be totally honest.. if i were capable to supporting myself and had the insurance needed. i dont think i would still be here.. but thats another story..  thank u for the kind words and advice...  and ur right 9lbs in a month is great.. i'd be praising someone else but cant seem to give myself the same credit.. its strange how that works... *hides pfs scale...* from now on... its torture.. and i dont need it.. im just afraid of gaining without relising untill it was to late...like i did in the past..

Hunni, we are both going through the exact samething<3 hugs to you! You are looking amazing

 hugs back sweetie..  i've loved following ur progrees.... keep it up... WE CAN DO THIS!!!

Hi Peggy

Sometimes typing gets those feelings out--you have come a long way.  If you are anything like me, instead of typing and reaching out to those who understand, I would be stuffing my feelings with food. 

My compliments have been coming.  I didn't tell a lot of people at work (only ones that worked in my immediate area) and didn't disclose it until recently and it is only to those who ask.  I figure that if I can help someone else, ok.  I never say that someone should do this because that is a personal decision.  All I tell anyone is if it is something that they want to explore to talk to their doctor and I always recommend my surgeon. 

Preop I was a sugar addict but I think it is because of the sleep apnea I had.  I couldn't keep awake so sugar and caffeine did it for me.  There were days I would go to work and not remember how I got there.  That was scary.  I could also eat the fried foods, sweets, etc along with the good stuff.  I don't have any desire for sweets except with the occasional sorbet bar, McCone or WW or Skinny Cow treats. 

I was told at 6 months that my losses will become like stair stepping--lose-stay level and even up 1 or 2 then drop and on and on.  That turned out to be pretty accurate.  I lost 130 pounds my first 6 months and the other 51 came off between January and July.  Your body is adjusting from the rebirth.

It is definitely not just you.  Just keep doing what you are doing--you are on your way to health.  I know how you feel--I am definitely afraid of regaining but further out people do experience it.  There are people in my support group that are 2 years and more out and they say that it is because you start relaxing a bit and going back to the basics will take care of it if you get to it early enough.  Keep going to support groups if you are through your surgeon.  I am planning to go to the 1 year and over one at mine which I just became eligible for. 

You are doing great--keep up the good work. 

Sylvia