*cries*
im so lost an i dont know what to do.. my husband of ten years is treating me like **** i dont know if it has always been like this an i didnt notice or hes reacting to my weightloss with anger an agressive behaviours... i cant go on like this.. i cant follow my diet an do what i need to do here.. if it were up to him i would be dead already... i cant even go in the kitchen without him going nuts, an recleaning everything over n over if i touch something its rediculous.. all i wanted to do was go an get a few slices of turkey an he lost his mind cuz i needed to walk through the kitchen... i dont know what else to do... i have basicaly no where else to go... he complains all the time.. an yells at me constantly like im doing something wrong even when i know im not... its not supposed to be like this.. im always crying an begging him to understand i have to eat 3-5 times a day small meals mostly protein or i will die.. he doesnt get it.. he thinks we should eat once a day (lunch)like we used to, an thats it.. i feel like a prisoner/slave/caged animal... sorry just needed to vent an calm down.. thanks for listening/being here for me..
Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Sounds like things are really charged right now. Can you leave the house for the night? Can your husband? It sounds like you both need a cooling off period for the night - you both need a good night's sleep and time to calm down.
Did your dh go to any of the meetings with your surgeon or the pre-op classes where they explain the changes you will be going through, how to eat, etc? If not, ask him to please go with you - even to a support meeting. Does your surgeon have a mental health person contact that is experienced with WLS? Maybe make an appointment with that person to get some counseling about WLS and perhaps marital counseling.
What raised big red flags for me was your comment "i feel like a presoner/slave/caged animal'. If you can't go to a hotel for the night, call a domestic violence shelter, call a crisis line. If you are in fear for your safety - CALL NOW!
Take care of yourself and keep us posted.
Did your dh go to any of the meetings with your surgeon or the pre-op classes where they explain the changes you will be going through, how to eat, etc? If not, ask him to please go with you - even to a support meeting. Does your surgeon have a mental health person contact that is experienced with WLS? Maybe make an appointment with that person to get some counseling about WLS and perhaps marital counseling.
What raised big red flags for me was your comment "i feel like a presoner/slave/caged animal'. If you can't go to a hotel for the night, call a domestic violence shelter, call a crisis line. If you are in fear for your safety - CALL NOW!
Take care of yourself and keep us posted.
im ok now thanks for concern an reply... was just one of those nites.. where u just want to get away an cant... sighs... he did go to meetings an some classes but it all went in one ear an out the other if that.. refuses counseling.. hes a vietnam vet 24yrs older then me i think alot of it is insecurity an his unwillingness to change.. hes very set in his ways..
as much as I hate admitting it, I had/have an anger problem. the slightest thing could make me explode like that, yelling was all I did. anyway, I went and got tested we figured it was add/adhd and it ended up that I am bipolar. It doesn't mean he will be receptive to having testing or even that he will admit he has a problem.
the other thing, if he was never like this before, if he is heavier or even if he is a 'normal' weight he might feel like your life changes are a threat to him. Maybe he feels like you are making this huge positive change in your lie and he feels excluded or jealous. I would wait until he is calm and very lightly mention that you don't want to fight and you want to get along. Lightly explain to him that you want the two of you to alter your lifestyles for the better.
try to explain that your changes are for the betterment of your life with him so you will live longer, be a better person internally and externally, and you can be more able to be a better wife and lover and if you are healthier you will be around longer to enjoy your life together with him.
Mainly, you did this for you, I hope.
You might need to talk to a counselor to sort out your feelings and get a better understanding of how to deal with his new actions.
I hope for the best for you and your marriage.
-Jaime
the other thing, if he was never like this before, if he is heavier or even if he is a 'normal' weight he might feel like your life changes are a threat to him. Maybe he feels like you are making this huge positive change in your lie and he feels excluded or jealous. I would wait until he is calm and very lightly mention that you don't want to fight and you want to get along. Lightly explain to him that you want the two of you to alter your lifestyles for the better.
try to explain that your changes are for the betterment of your life with him so you will live longer, be a better person internally and externally, and you can be more able to be a better wife and lover and if you are healthier you will be around longer to enjoy your life together with him.
Mainly, you did this for you, I hope.
You might need to talk to a counselor to sort out your feelings and get a better understanding of how to deal with his new actions.
I hope for the best for you and your marriage.
-Jaime
I have been thinking about your situation and mulling it over in my head. If he wasn't ever like this there has to be a valid reason. I think he might feel left out of your new life. I was really an ass for a couple of months and my wife bent over backwards taking care of me. Now she says I was like a woman on PMS for 3 months post surgery.
(Okay, I think I just shat myself.
Was watching Armageddon with Bruce Willis, it ended and something else started to play, quite and subdued calm show. I had no idea what it was and all of a sudden just now it was horrible sounding screaming and a monster looking thing popped up. I still had surround sound on and it was LOUD. I think I now will carry a permanent scar for the rest of my life, I jumped so spastically. I hope that makes you smile cause I am glad the wife and son are in bed cause they would have been laughing at me. OK, not to recollect my thought, if I can at this point. Hit the info button it is called 'Nightbreed' it says a man tries to join the monsters his psychiatrist wants to destroy, horror. Yea no kidding!!! Okay, Helen Hunt and Sara Jessica Parker, 'girls just want to have fun' that should be good background noise.)
Oh yes, I was a major ass but you sound like it isn't you, I just really think he feels left out or something like that. I really hope everything works out. If you do not mind I will pray for you, my wife and son would be wiling to do the same I am sure of it. I know some people do not believe in prayer and I hate to just tell someone I will so I always offer.
Good luck with everything, if there is anything at all I can do please do not hesitate to ask,
-Jaime
(Okay, I think I just shat myself.
Was watching Armageddon with Bruce Willis, it ended and something else started to play, quite and subdued calm show. I had no idea what it was and all of a sudden just now it was horrible sounding screaming and a monster looking thing popped up. I still had surround sound on and it was LOUD. I think I now will carry a permanent scar for the rest of my life, I jumped so spastically. I hope that makes you smile cause I am glad the wife and son are in bed cause they would have been laughing at me. OK, not to recollect my thought, if I can at this point. Hit the info button it is called 'Nightbreed' it says a man tries to join the monsters his psychiatrist wants to destroy, horror. Yea no kidding!!! Okay, Helen Hunt and Sara Jessica Parker, 'girls just want to have fun' that should be good background noise.)Oh yes, I was a major ass but you sound like it isn't you, I just really think he feels left out or something like that. I really hope everything works out. If you do not mind I will pray for you, my wife and son would be wiling to do the same I am sure of it. I know some people do not believe in prayer and I hate to just tell someone I will so I always offer.
Good luck with everything, if there is anything at all I can do please do not hesitate to ask,
-Jaime
i think u hit the nail on the head.. i been thinking hes bipolar for years.. but he refuses treatment.. but last nite was the worst ever!!an this morning he still thinks hes in the right.. says i waited till he was done cleaning to want something from kitchen.. i cant help he was cleaning around my dinner time.. i even waited so not to disturb him if that makes sence... u know i didnt want to come out while he was busy so it was like 9pm before i ate dinner last nite.. an let me say... the kitchen was clean before he started cleaning.. he cleans unesssacerily to the point of OCD.. an its not like i was cooking i went out for sliced turkey breast an cheese.. on a paper plate.. 
lol to u getting scared over a movie... an any postive thoughts and prayers will be greatly appreciated.. thank u for the thoughts an concerns an the smiles..
lol to u getting scared over a movie... an any postive thoughts and prayers will be greatly appreciated.. thank u for the thoughts an concerns an the smiles..
Hi Peggy,
In reading your post it brought back to me, my old life. I too, was married to a Viet Nam vet for 21 years. After dealing with his "anger" our marriage did not survive. I add, he was a good man, in his words, he never made it back, after the war. In my opinion, some of the vets from that era, carry additional war related issues. Alot depends on what their involvement was in the war and what they witnessed. One of the books I read was "Viet Nam Wives", sorry I do not remember the author. In reading the book, I was angry, but also gave understanding to what he, other men and what other wives had gone thru. As stated above, counseling does make a difference. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Sue
In reading your post it brought back to me, my old life. I too, was married to a Viet Nam vet for 21 years. After dealing with his "anger" our marriage did not survive. I add, he was a good man, in his words, he never made it back, after the war. In my opinion, some of the vets from that era, carry additional war related issues. Alot depends on what their involvement was in the war and what they witnessed. One of the books I read was "Viet Nam Wives", sorry I do not remember the author. In reading the book, I was angry, but also gave understanding to what he, other men and what other wives had gone thru. As stated above, counseling does make a difference. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Sue
thank u so much for ur prayers an kind thoughts.... i have read up on PTS an other war related issues.. but it doesnt make it easier.. especially now when im so emotional/hormonal due to surgery and weight loss... i know im on edge but im controling it.. john's (my husband) fav thing to say is what a GOOD MAN he is an how great he treats me by making sure i have everything i need "financially" that i want for nothing.. he is not the man i married.. the one of promises, hope, love... it was a front to reel me in.. he is a cosed off, emotionless, drone at best.. most days.. it seems the only emotion he does know how to use is anger.. its so sad.. cuz i know he could be a Great man if he tried.. i guess im asking for to much.. but even tho im younger 33 hes 57 i believe in my wedding vows.. i have been holding ground trying to make it work.. but its just getting harder n harder.. maybe its me.. hell i duno...
I have no problem admitting I have been charged with a dozen or so misdemeanors a couple of felonies (only one stuck I plead out for he other one) and I was a generally bad person. I got married when I was 19, my wife was 21. Until I was about 26-27 I was a terrible husband. I spent all our money at the pool hall or on frivolous things we didn't need. Electricity would get shut off, or we couldn't pay rent so we would move, it was horrible.
July 3rd will be 17 years and I changed, my wife waited me out, she is a stubborn one. I am sure glad she was patient with me the first 8-10 years cause I would have been in prison or dead by now. I never drank much, 2-3 beers a year and the occasional scotch but that's it. I just spent all our money and lied and such. Never cheated, got drunk, beat her, etc... but I yelled and would get angry. Now I know it was me being angry about not being able to control myself, my emotions.
I hate to break up a marriage and unfortunately people are all to quick to jump the gun and say leave him or leave her and find someone else. In America we are all about the now and making yourself eel good immediately. We have a great life now and I spend every day striving to be a better person for my wife, not for myself. I owe her that much. On the other hand, if you are at the point you simply cannot take it anymore there are programs set in place for you to get help.
While he might not be receptive to getting counseling it doesn't mean he can't be tricked. Mention couple therapy (Guys hate that by the way, we are always wrong, or so we think that is what will happen in therapy) or maybe mention to a counselor that you think your husband would benefit from talking with someone and see if you can get him to take you to your counseling appointment. Then maybe work him into the sessions. It may take some time but if you really love him and he honestly really loves you lots of prayer and patience will make things better sooner or later. My wife hung on for 10 years, that is 9 years and 11 months longer than she should have but we are both glad she did at this point in our marriage.
Again, good luck and God does not give us anything we cannot handle. My wife used to tell me she was praying for me and it drove me insane. I hated that, it was like God didn't know what I was doing unless she prayed and then he knew (weird thought process I know). She never once said, I am praying to God that you change, she just would say, "Honey, it's Okay and I am praying for you." Never in the middle of an argument but wow, it worked!
Great luck,
-Jaime
July 3rd will be 17 years and I changed, my wife waited me out, she is a stubborn one. I am sure glad she was patient with me the first 8-10 years cause I would have been in prison or dead by now. I never drank much, 2-3 beers a year and the occasional scotch but that's it. I just spent all our money and lied and such. Never cheated, got drunk, beat her, etc... but I yelled and would get angry. Now I know it was me being angry about not being able to control myself, my emotions.
I hate to break up a marriage and unfortunately people are all to quick to jump the gun and say leave him or leave her and find someone else. In America we are all about the now and making yourself eel good immediately. We have a great life now and I spend every day striving to be a better person for my wife, not for myself. I owe her that much. On the other hand, if you are at the point you simply cannot take it anymore there are programs set in place for you to get help.
While he might not be receptive to getting counseling it doesn't mean he can't be tricked. Mention couple therapy (Guys hate that by the way, we are always wrong, or so we think that is what will happen in therapy) or maybe mention to a counselor that you think your husband would benefit from talking with someone and see if you can get him to take you to your counseling appointment. Then maybe work him into the sessions. It may take some time but if you really love him and he honestly really loves you lots of prayer and patience will make things better sooner or later. My wife hung on for 10 years, that is 9 years and 11 months longer than she should have but we are both glad she did at this point in our marriage.
Again, good luck and God does not give us anything we cannot handle. My wife used to tell me she was praying for me and it drove me insane. I hated that, it was like God didn't know what I was doing unless she prayed and then he knew (weird thought process I know). She never once said, I am praying to God that you change, she just would say, "Honey, it's Okay and I am praying for you." Never in the middle of an argument but wow, it worked!
Great luck,
-Jaime
Most Active
Recent Topics
