Topic: THE FIRST 166 DAYS OF THE REST OF MY LIFE; A PREMATURE RETROSPECTIVE

 *originally posted in the OH Group "VSGr's with 150 or More to Go"

~Namaste~

On Friday, 03/06/2009, I had my 3 month post-op with my surgeon.  It has been 107 days since surgery on 11/19/2008.

Everyone can see by the ticker and century card in my signature line that I have lost over 100 pounds since 10/01/2008. I am ecstatic about the number on the scale, the fact that I can purchase cheap clothes at regular retail stores, my ability to wear a seatbelt in cars, the luxurious bubble baths I can now enjoy, and a million other things (including the Wii/Wii Fit I got a week ago after reaching my first major goal of weighing under 300 pounds for the first time in 10 years).   I am thrilled at my current status as "super morbidly obese" as opposed to “super super morbidly obese".  However, ALL of those things pale in comparison to my improved health, awareness of my physical body, and improved mental outlook.

Some of you may know that I suffer from a myriad of health issues.  Fortunately, none of those is life-threatening in the sense that I, due to genetics and lots of luck, don't have diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, asthma, etc.  I was one of those relatively "healthy fat people".  There was just one problem; I was miserable.  One day, 08/21/2008 to be exact,   I was told by my family doctor that I needed to learn to live with my chronic pain, as well as the resulting issues with mobility and depression, after literally an entire spring and summer spent having various procedures, consultations, labs, etc. performed.  Not one of those so called specialists could make a definitive diagnosis although all agreed that something was wrong, even given my obesity, based upon the results of those labs and exams.  I love my PCP; she's been my physician since 2001.  She'd witnessed my demise from a highly functioning and relatively happy fat woman (we've actually checked my records, I weighed 331 pounds at my first visit with her) to a barely functioning and very physically ill mess.  On the night of 08/21/2008 I contemplated another 40 years of misery and knew that there was no way in hell I wanted to live like that.  I went to bed very angry, frustrated, and contemplating my next move; possibly my final one.  That was 166 days ago.

08/21/2008 is my rebirth day.

I awoke on the morning of 08/22/2008 and told my husband, given that the medical establishment's best offer was to treat the symptoms of my pain, which was difficult due to my extremely adverse and atypical response to most medication, I needed to do the one thing I knew that I could do for myself that *might* help me to help myself; I was going to have WLS.  Since making that decision, I have not looked back. 

Some people may roll their eyes when I say that your attitude determines your reality.  I can only assure you that my attitude has determined my reality.  My insurance didn't cover any treatment for obesity regardless of BMI or co-morbidities.  I am not wealthy and I have been unemployed since March 2008 when I was fired after my FMLA ran out (I was actually fired, via certified letter, 3 days after being told that I might have cancer based on repeat CT's that showed enlarged and growing lymph nodes in my groin and pelvic areas, 2 days after my release from the hospital).  My husband makes a decent salary as a computer programmer, but we aren't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination.  We paid cash for my surgery by wiping out our entire savings account.  We now live paycheck to paycheck and have no cushion, especially in this economy.  I knew, in my head and heart, that WLS, the VSG specifically, was the tool I needed to achieve long term weight loss, and I knew that I would succeed.  I have chosen to view everything over the course of the past 4 months through that lens.

I had an extremely bad reaction to anesthesia and other drugs necessary to perform surgery.  I was happy I woke up.  I was on a liquid diet for two months.  I chose to make finding new liquids a treasure hunt (who knew they made such a thing as corn broth?).  I have migraines, arthritis, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome; I can currently count on anywhere from 5 to 10 days a month of almost total disability and extreme discomfort; 4 months ago, that disability was every day...that's a 75% improvement!   I was told to walk walk walk post-op and literally, due to bilateral osteoarthritis, chondromalacia patella, and meniscal injury, I can't do that without risking further permanent injury and days of pain afterwards.  Even now, after losing over 100 pounds, I can't walk with much speed or endurance.  I can do other things.  I started with yoga, added water aerobics, and on Thursday of last week, I'd worked up to 16 laps of actual swimming.  I can do this.  I will do this.  I will succeed.

I am not an anomaly; we all have the power to choose to live for today and celebrate every single small victory just by acknowledging our own strength and having the courage to continue putting one foot in front of the other.  We can do this even when we are struggling or after a "failure".  Part of learning, or actually allowing myself to re-learn and believe this has been to approach my health, both physical and mental, in a way that that incorporates traditional western medicine with alternative/complimentary therapies.  I do yoga (I attend a class weekly as well as practicing at home).  I meditate and do breathing exercises.  I see a massage therapist.  I've seen a reputable chiropractor, whose specialty is sports rehab, but who has agreed to work with me, too.  I had my first experience with craniosacral therapy yesterday and it was amazing.  I am going to try acupuncture in a few weeks.  Again, you can roll your eyes if you'd like, but I've taken the approach of throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks.  If something helps, I pursue it.  If it doesn't, well at least I tried. 

If any of you had known me 166 Days ago, you wouldn't have known the same person.  I was hiding.  I was in pain.  I was ashamed.  I was afraid.  I was miserable.  Aside from the pain (which I am learning to deal with more effectively whi*****ludes simply acknowledging it) I am not that person any more.  I wasn't that person mentally when I joined OH because I had already made the decision to change my life.  I am glad you know this me.  I am thankful that many of you have been with me from the beginning on this freaking awesome journey and need to acknowledge that each of you has helped me to succeed.  I will be eternally grateful.

Amy

PS:  I'm not around on OH as much as I was pre-op and immediately post op.  Mostly because I am busy with all of the activities listed above as well as becoming very involved in WA WLS-related activities.  I will try to be better.  This post is dedicated to Beth K, Michelle D, Karin, and Terri just to name a diverse few of my original OH friends who continue to inspire me with their honesty, dedication to paying it forward, and commitment to providing support in a compassionate manner.  They are human, they talk the talk and walk the walk, and they are honest, even when they may feel ashamed at times regarding perceived failures or genuine befuddlement at how to proceed.  Thanks for keeping it real, gals!

Amy -

WONDERFUL POST!!!!  Your courage and determination shines through like a becon of light for all of us.  I love your frank honesty about how our attitude determines so much of our "destiny".  Keep going, girl... you are an inspiration to each one of us!

Blessings,
Jana

WOW!  I am so impressed with your dedication and the results.  It makes me feel shallow and small for my own complaints.  Congratulations.  I think I will keep a copy of your post to give me the kick in the butt I need from time to time.  Janice in NC

Im preop and this post was a Godsend  to me. Ive struggled with sever fibromyalgia since 2002. Had to go on disability in 2003. I got it for the depression but my story is sooo much like yours. The blessing I have is I got to keep my health insurance or I couldnt do the vs surgery.

This journey is very daunting for me. Im in the second mth and have only lost 2 1/2 lbs. I can barely walk through the house, much less excersize. Im having a horrible time with eating. I bought all of the stuff the diatisean told me to get but all I want to do all day now is eat junk. I cant seem to stop. Being home all day is very lonely and boring and you know that is not an excuse. Im currently eating my second sugar-free fudge pop, after the sugar free pudding, the cheese nips, and the cereal I had for breakfast.

I need all the help I can get from any of you. Im on 32 prescriptions and my body is soooo tired. I dont think I can last much longer at 360lbs. I have my psy.eval, and a echocardiogram next week. I was diagnosed last Jan. with the heart failure after the horrible reaction I had from Lyrica for the fibro. I almost died. Im very proud of you and the success you are having. I want that too.

Suzette

I am glad that my story gives you hope. I wanted to share because I know that there are so many people out there with issues similar to mine and I wanted them to know that success is possible.  Obviously, while we may share similaities, including a number of "official medical diagnoses", our individual issues and physical needs can be very different, given the nature of Fibromyalgia.  Prior to surgery, a banner day for me was to be able to crawl out of bed in the morning, perhaps take a shower (which in and of itself was a struggle), descend the stairs from the bedrooms on the second level to the living areas on the first (gosh darn it, I told my husband I wanted/needed a rambler, not a two story house, when we bought our home 7 years ago), and maybe be able to take one additional trip up and down the stairs to retreive just several pieces of laundry to do per day.  I was bored, too!  Bored, miserable, and feeling guilty or like I should just be able to buck up and deal with it.  Not even I realized exatly how miserable I was until I began to feel even 10% better.  On paper, I still look like a mess in many respects and have been told such by different providers *****view my health history before meeting me.  I still weigh 295 pounds (as of 12/06/08 - I have decided to weigh myself just once weekly as it was becoming an obsession and there is a disconnect between my heart and brain in terms of the normalcy of daily fluctuation up and down).  Before I made the decision to have WLS,  I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and the injustice of it all!  I was in a fibro fog and extreme pain.  There were literally weeks on end that I did not leave the house.  Aside from the physical pain, there was a lot of guilt that my husband, now the sole bread winner, was forced to assume 99% of the responibilities of daily life like grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc.  Even though I knew that there was a valid reason for my inabilities, and that my pain was real, my heart was burdened by the unfairness of the situation for my husband.  Even now, I can only do two activies (for example, gym and massage or physical therapy and swimming) daily without suffering the consequences of trying to do to much.  I still weigh 295 pounds and look worse on paper than I feel in real life. 

OH is a tremendous resource.  Have you checked out the Fibro Forum?

Thanks for the kind words regarding my successes thus far.  They've been hard won.  Results in terms of weight loss may vary, but in my case, it was the change in attitude that allowed me to succeed.  Perhaps if you can acknowledge your pain and struggles that result, but make a commitment to focusing on the positives and the the bottom line of improved health, you, too can have the sucess you so desperately desire. That's the strategy that's been working for me.

I wish you the best on your journey,

Amy

PS; I know that you're planning to do he DS in two parts, for medical reasons, and that the VSG is just the first part of your plan, but I wanted to let you know that you are welcome to check out and stay if you like it, the newly member created group "VSGrs with 150 or more to go".  That group is an offshoot of the VSG Forum and there are people there that may also be able to better understand your struggles and offer the support you need.  Please check it out - post an intro and I'm sure you'll be amazed by the supportive responses! http://www.obesityhelp.com/group/vsgswith150ormoretogo/