Topic: Body Image Issues

I have been thinking about this for a couple of days, so I thought I'd toss it out to the group and see what kind of discussions transpire...

I attended a review committee meeting Friday afternoon.  Most of the folks who sit on this committee are top level in their fields, and some of our tobacco staff serve on this committee as well.  As the newbie, my job was to sit there and observe, so that's what I did.

One committee member serves in the CO State Legislature.  He's a Democrat from El Paso County (I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that anomaly, there must be more closet Democrats down there than just PJ and Husker ), and as I was watching and listening, I decided he wasn't a bad looking fellow.  In fact, he was kind of attractive.  Not only that, he seems quite intelligent and has a great sense of humor.

Did I go up and make conversation with him?  No, I did not. 

I've been having some serious body image issues of late that translate into me feeling less than attractive.  The earlier, fatter Kix would have gone up and said something pithy or clever with regard to closet Democrats in El Paso County.  The new Kix shied away.

Let's talk about body image, either positive or negative, and how it impacts your life.

Kix

Good topic..

My feelings range greatly on this, and depends on my mood.  I was trying to look good just this past saturday, and had a very difficult time coming up with something to wear.  I like that I am smaller now, but since the girls have shrunk too, it seem that the belly actually looks bigger sometimes.  I put my body armor on, including lower girdle that goes from my mid thigh to my bra line, then a spankx tank that goes on top.  These help to slim my big ol gut a little more.  My husband says I am looking really good, but lately I just don't feel like I do.  Not to mention my hair, getting thinner every day, and I really don't have the money to go get a cut/trim. 

I feel OK with myself if I can wear a sweater or sweatshirt those tend to hide all the mushy rolls right now.  I want to wear sexy stuff, but I just don't see it in my future... Oh well, I did this to be healthier, right?

The holidays are starting to get to me too... I am nervous about how I am going to handle the stress & food.  I am going to my sisters for thanksgiving, which should be fairly easy.  I am cooking for about 10 people for christmas... I tend to graze when I cook for lots of people, so I have to be conscious of that and just not do it!!! 

Sorry if this turned into another rant...

lets hear from some others!!!

Caroline

I don't have the first clue what size my body is.  Last year at this time I was approx 398 and I'm 238 now.  The numbers sometimes seem unreal.  When I look at a women, I realize that I don't have ANY idea  if I am heavier than her or the same size or thinner than her.  Of course I'm further messed up by the fact that I am wearing clothes from size 16 to size 24.  WTH? 

Before surgery a Psychologist spoke at the Bariatric meeting and said studies say it can take up to 5 years to get an accurate body image in your head.  I won't bore most with the study details, but I guess it allowed me to at least not feel crazy about how messed up I am in that area.  I'm thinking that at this point my head sees me at about 280 most of the time, but during short periods I sometimes feel 200, then I see a pix of my panni or hanging chins - lol. 

I spent so long being the freak in the room that I am still just adjusting to being just another person in the room.   I think this will be a challenging time for me coming up.  Now I will no longer be able to use my size as an excuse for someone rejecting me.  In addition, while I find that some people will now associate with me more as I'm no longer the freak, some friends have been dwindling away.  This comes at the same time that the pouch is healed and tolerating former "comfort/bad" foods (which means I am sometimes engaging unsafe eating behavior).  All of which impacts mental perception of self.

Ok, I see I'm starting to ramble.  This really was a good question.  I'm curious to see what others are going through.

-Dawn

Very interesting observation. I wonder if part of it is because you are worried he would be attracted to you and before you saw your weight as a deterrent so you felt more comfortable talking to someone you were attracted to. not sure if I just made any sense....

for me, I am not seeing the loss when I look in the mirror. I see it in my clothes and I see it in some of the pictures I have had taken since my surgery.

Last week was the first time I had someone ask me (who didnt know about the surgery) if I had lost some weight. That was a huge NSV for me. I know that there is a good chance that I will lose at least one of my friends. But I also know that that is her problem and not mine.

First, I can totally relate to how you handled the situation with the cute Democrat.  I've spent basically my entire life being fat, and feeling ugly and unattractive.  The numbers on the scale tell me I am no longer "fat," but they can't help me feel beautiful and desirable.  Like you, I was super friendly before I had WLS.  I'd go up and talk to anybody, could make conversation, crack jokes, etc.  Before WLS, I never had any expectation that anyone would be attracted to me, so there was no "pressure" in approaching people in social settings.  I knew I was just being friendly and making conversation, and there was just no way it was going beyond that, end of story. 

I'm still pretty friendly and comfortable in social settings, even with new people.  I can strike up a conversation, crack jokes, etc.  The thing that I cannot wrap my head around is that people find me attractive and are interested in me.  I look in the mirror and I still see all the flaws, rather than the attractive woman other people tell me they see.  That's honestly part of why I'm willing to have plastic surgery - I feel like I will continue to focus on the flaws (saggy breasts, flabby arms, saggy thighs, droopy booty, etc.) and struggle to focus on the whole package that is the new me. 

One of the things that's been helping me adjust my mental image of myself is to have people take pictures of me, usually with other people in the picture as well.  That helps me in a couple ways.  First, it literally allows me to see myself from a different perspective.  When I'm looking at myself in the mirror, there's a limit to how far away from the mirror I can get, and to how many angles I can see myself from.  So the pictures just help me see myself in a different light.  Second, it allows me to compare myself to the people in the picture with me in terms of my actual size.  So when I see myself in a picture standing next to someone that I think of as being a "normal" or healthy size, and I'm a similar shape and size to that person, it helps me get a better idea what size I really am. 

Something else that's an issue for me is that I really don't know how to date!!!  I was in a 14+ year relationship that ended this past summer, so I'd been that relationship since I was 26.  I hadn't dated that much before this relationship started, so I never learned the "art" of dating.  So in addition to dealing with the body image issues, I'm trying to learn how to react when someone may be interested.  Heck, I'm trying to figure out how to tell when someone is interested - talk about feeling naive and vulnerable...

The one thing I can say is that I have made progress in feeling better about my body image.  I've got a long way to go, but I'm confident that by talking about the issue and facing it, things will continue to get better over time.  And as far as the dating thing goes, I'm working on figuring it out; I go out with friends, I sometimes go out by myself and I will strike up conversations with strangers (if they look approachable).  I even had the nerve to ask a woman for her phone number this summer, and she was happy to give it to me!  We chatted a couple times, and nothing came of it, but that's okay - we all have to start somewhere...

Anyway, hope some of my ramblings are helpful - I look forward to reading other people's posts on this subject -

Peace,

Kellie

I can understand where you are coming from Kix. Although I've always been shy I think I am more self-conscious than I was before.

Before, when I looked at myself in the mirror I was really good at seeing only the good things. I had a distorted view of myself, probably to cope, but I wasn't unhappy when I looked in a mirror. I was always shocked when I saw pictures of myself with other people - I'm so big! I couldn't really grasp it until I had that proof. Thus, I avoided pictures.

I still dated, I had people interested in me now and again and I handled it fine, but I NEVER approached others. I still don't, I can't just walk up and join a group of people in conversation.  I am not adept at that, and I am painfully shy.

What's really changed though is that now I look in the mirror and I just see the flaws. Instead of how it was before, now I see the stretch marks, flabby skin in and out of clothes, huge hips that just refuse to leave, etc. I don't see the good things and I think I am ugly. My husband asked me the other day if I knew how pretty I was. He was being silly, but I answered very seriously: No. I have no idea.

I don't know if people would find me attractive, I don't know how to judge that. Now I look more like other people - so instead of being a stand-out because of my ridiculous size, I don't stand out at all. Or do I? I don't know! Am I an ugly quasi-normal person, a pretty one, a plain one? When people who didn't know me before look at me now, what do they think?

Teaching helps a little, in that I'm forced to stand up in front of people all the time, but its also made it worse, in that I obsess over whether my outfit disguises my flab adequately. I obsess over my arms, I will only wear long sleeves when I teach because I don't want them all to see my arm flab hanging down and jiggling while I write on the board. I even turn slightly so they can't see my arm. I am mortified to lift my arms now, but I wasn't before. Its like I don't want to expose the proof that I am actually a lot larger and not normal like them.

Does this make any sense?

I am still fat - I still qualify for surgery. I am very upset that I haven't lost more, and I am very upset that I seem to have stopped losing all together lately and even gained a little. I am very upset about a lot of things right now, very stressed (which is probably why my body is holding on to weight so thoroughly lately). I'm avoiding mirrors as much as possible because all I see are the bads.

Ugh. 

So yep, I understand why you didn't approach the guy.

Well I can safely say that my body image in my head hasn't changed one bit.  I look int he mirror and still see a very fat guy looking back at me.  Other people notice but a part of me doesn't believe them.  This surgery messes with your head more than what people say it seems.  I'm wearing smaller clothes and when i do laundry and see those smaller clothes, I'm still thinking that those can't be mine.  Or when i try to put on a pair of my "skinny" jeans, I'm like there is no way in hades that I can get those on.  I'm still pretty much a recluse at home.  I don't socialize with anyone and I have no desire to.

Recently I was placed on anti-depressants which helped me not be sucidal but it doesn't deal with the rest of the mess that's up in the ole noggin.

You know i thought i was looking good until yesterday my son took a picture and he showed it to me and i said wtf i thought i lost weight.
Well they laughed i said its not funny it looks like someone shoved an airhose up mu hiney to make me look like a macys day float,they were rolling.But i was dead serious.
I am a flirt and now that i have this huge girth at the bottom i only talk to people when im standing..figure that one out.
But Kix my dh has a boss who became our friend and i was sitting at his table and he is a full blooded Italian (at work they call him the Italian stallion)lol anyways this was my first time meeting him and after dinner he says to me Lisa with your warmth and personality i didnt even notice you were heavy,duh he says no i was so mesmirized by you i never looked at your body...score a huge compliment so now he says i see youve lost weight but dont change anything else.ok
So be yourself sweetie with your personality you will have him from the get go....Also you have done an amazing  job with your weight loss...

sorry to say that at nearly 4 years out, and having reached a normal bmi number, i still don't know what the hell i actually look like. i'm constantly looking at other women's bodies and trying to decide if they are my size, or bigger, or smaller or what. i select a piece of clothing to wear that i bought -- and have even worn before -- and i look at it and think "this can't possibly fit me". people tell me i'm skinny now -- i don't see that at all.

in my 51 years of life, i've never dated, so i'm not even TRYING to go there! i recognize that my social skills are quite limited. i'm trying to just go to dinner with groups of friends - hoping to develop the abilities to carry on conversation in a group setting. the idea of going to a "party" terrifies me -- who will want to talk to me?

i fear i will never really be normal.

I also fear I'm never going to be "normal," so I just try to think of it in terms of becoming the very best me I can be, and to heck with what other people think of as "normal."  I just want to try and learn to be comfortable in my own skin -

BTW, how are you doing, Deb?  I'm recovering well from the October tummy tuck, and am scheduled for a breast lift and brachioplasty on December 16th.  I'm hoping the recovery from the second surgery goes as well as the recovery from the first; can I be so lucky???  I sure hope so... 

Have a great Thanksgiving -

Kellie