My Epiphany

For a long time I could not comprehend the physical difference in my body as the weight was rapidly melting off of my body. I could blame it on the fact that it was happening so fast that I could not keep up with the changes. Some of that may be true, but this week I figured what a big part of my problem was about. See, I didn’t live the typical morbidly obese person lifestyle. I didn’t let my weight stop me from living. I didn’t feel trapped in my body. I didn’t feel isolated from the world. My self-esteem was just fine. I had always been overweight and had adjusted to that fact with grace and dignity. What I didn’t realize was how big I had gotten. Sure, I saw myself in photos or the mirror, but I don’t think I comprehended how big I was because my size did not prevent me from living a decent life. 145 lbs later I realize that the size I am today is the size I quit registering how big I was. So, I am struggling a bit with realizing my success of weight loss because in my mind I was always the size I am now instead of the size I allowed myself to get to. I am not afraid to look back at the size I started out at because I believe we have to remember where we came from in order to maintain success, but I am in awe of the life I lead in that sized body. It is probably a good thing that I didn’t realize how that sized body should have handicapped my lifestyle because I probably would have let it if I had known.    Now I have to work on understanding my success and how I got here so that I continue to be successful in this journey. I have never had a weight specific goal, but I do have a feeling that I want to achieve and I that feeling from the individuals in my support group and here on the forum and those feelings expressed keep me motivated to make the right choices. Each one of you contributed to this week’s epiphany. 

Did anyone here have a similiar experience regarding the concept of their body size?

Yes. 100% yes. Certainly there were things I couldn't do - fly comfortably, ride a roller coaster, walk for miles, but I was a very confident fat person who had NO IDEA how fat I really was. When I see my face now I think that's how I always saw myself. Now I just look like I thought I looked 200lbs heavier. Your mind is funny that way.

 The more I have thought about my breakthrough in understanding my feelings about my physical size, the more excited I get about what's to come in the next few months.  I have watched you continually transform and have been amazed by your success.  I hope to carryover that amazement to my own accomplishments.  

Hi, Clinell.  I can really relate to your post; I came from a very similar place - I was always very active for my size, had good self-esteem, lots of friends, was well liked, enjoyed my job, etc.  But I certainly didn't see myself as the rest of the world saw me.... 

At 3 years post-op, I'm still working on really seeing my body as it is and I think I'll be working on that for a while.  But it's worth the effort and I think I'll be happier and healthier in the long run for my work. 

Congrats on your epiphany - sounds like a milestone to me :-)

Kellie

 Hello Kellie - I know that this journey is a constant work in progress.  I understand that even five years from now I will continue to have these moments of clarity on my self-image and even with that knowledge, I continue to be in awe of this process.

Yes! Absolutely, yes! I totally get everything you're saying and feel the exact same way. I never let my weight hinder me from life. I always lived my life regardless of my weight. In fact, it's funny you should mention it, I was just thinking today about a vacation I took in June of 2007. My niece wanted to go to a waterpark for her birthday. I was the first one in to go - I got our hotel reservations, I planned everything, and I'm shocked to say I donned a swimsuit with a pair of shorts over it and walked all over the waterpark enjoying myself. Sure I was tired and couldn't participate on any rides, but I enjoyed being there.

Knowing now my true size back then, I'm in awe NOW that I actually did what all I did and how I carried on with my life. I guess you do what you have to, but it's still shocking and weird to me.

And like you, I also feel like I stopped seeing myself for the size I really was when I went over my current weight. It's a weird realization.

Actually everything about this journey has been odd to me - things I would have never expected have happened and the life I envisioned is nothing like the reality.

 SURREAL!  That is the word I've used a million times to describe this life's experience.  SURREAL!

I was really social and active like that too until my body just started being broken down by the weight starting at about age 45.  That's when I started isolating - not by choice, but to avoid physical pain. Thank goodness for the web.

Previously, at 5'9" and 330 lbs I really was not hindered at all, except by my shopping choices. Then when I gained another 120 lbs, I still "saw" myself as the active, smaller person I used to be. I got angry with my body that it was betraying me.

I'll just have to do the best I can with what I have and can build back up. I'll be glad when my physical body catches up to my old mental image.

Still trying to get to the pool today, but I think my exercise is going to be house and yard work. The sun is lovely.

 Your determination is evident.  You will be back in the swing of things because it is what you want for yourself.  

I can totaly relate.  I stopped "registering" at 330 or so.  I am back down to 330 again now but really I had never thought I looked any different (I was 487) It's amazing how the mirror, our minds or whatever it is lets us live in denial like that.  I am trying hard to stay in reality now.  I uncovered the full length mirror for the 1st time in 5 years {there were bathrobes hanging in front of it} and I MAKE myself stand in front of it and have a long loook every so often.  I need to get comfortable with all my new saggy whatevers because this is ME and I don't want go into denial mode again.  It's healthier.   I am trying hard to be comfortable in my "new" skin, every step of the way.

 

:)