Anger Issues
Last night was unpleasant (major understatement).
Some of you know that I have issues with my stepson. On Sunday afternoon DH and I sat down with him and laid out what our expectations were re his hygiene (or lack thereof). There's always an excuse with him. He couldn't shower Sun afternnon because he had no clean clothes. He had to be prompted several times to start a wash load. When I went to bed, clothes were still in the washer, not the dryer. So I get home from work on Monday and he has still not showered. Finally does so at 10 PM, but does not shave (2 weeks growth). I try to interface with him about it and he starts shouting at me that I am picking on him. I did not shout back, but the simmering anger started building, and erupted at DH when he said I was being unreasonable.
I've had all of this kid that I can take. I know Kellie posted about something similar this a little while ago, but my anger is mostly about this one person.
I don't know how to deal with this anger. One factor is menopause - I'm there. I think I'd trade back the anger for the mess... Part may be that I'm no longer burying the unhappiness with food. I'm also wondering if as I lose fat, toxins are also released. The Chantix probably adds to the mes as well.
Other than working out every day (should I take up kick-boxing?), does any one have any suggestions?
Outraged in Oregon
Some of you know that I have issues with my stepson. On Sunday afternoon DH and I sat down with him and laid out what our expectations were re his hygiene (or lack thereof). There's always an excuse with him. He couldn't shower Sun afternnon because he had no clean clothes. He had to be prompted several times to start a wash load. When I went to bed, clothes were still in the washer, not the dryer. So I get home from work on Monday and he has still not showered. Finally does so at 10 PM, but does not shave (2 weeks growth). I try to interface with him about it and he starts shouting at me that I am picking on him. I did not shout back, but the simmering anger started building, and erupted at DH when he said I was being unreasonable.
I've had all of this kid that I can take. I know Kellie posted about something similar this a little while ago, but my anger is mostly about this one person.
I don't know how to deal with this anger. One factor is menopause - I'm there. I think I'd trade back the anger for the mess... Part may be that I'm no longer burying the unhappiness with food. I'm also wondering if as I lose fat, toxins are also released. The Chantix probably adds to the mes as well.
Other than working out every day (should I take up kick-boxing?), does any one have any suggestions?
Outraged in Oregon
Pattty,
I'm not sure how to deal with the anger or the kid, mainly just wanted to tell you...vent away! Nothing wrong with doing that here. How old is this kid? Maybe you can make a new rule, no shower/shave no dinner? Or perhaps might he have some kind of mental imbalance, maybe counseling? Or maybe you and DH could take turns and ambush him outside every night with a hose and soapy water?? whatever you decide on, make sure you and DH are acting as one, no need for your relationship to suffer. I'm sure you know all that.
I'm sorry you're going through this, are you taking anything, herbals, hormone replacements to deal with the symptoms of menopause?
Diane
p.s. I think the kickboxing idea is good too!
I'm not sure how to deal with the anger or the kid, mainly just wanted to tell you...vent away! Nothing wrong with doing that here. How old is this kid? Maybe you can make a new rule, no shower/shave no dinner? Or perhaps might he have some kind of mental imbalance, maybe counseling? Or maybe you and DH could take turns and ambush him outside every night with a hose and soapy water?? whatever you decide on, make sure you and DH are acting as one, no need for your relationship to suffer. I'm sure you know all that.
I'm sorry you're going through this, are you taking anything, herbals, hormone replacements to deal with the symptoms of menopause?
Diane
p.s. I think the kickboxing idea is good too!
The "kid" turns 25 next Monday. He has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism, but folks who are "aspies" are very high-functioning and do well as programmers - I work with some. Many people believe Bill Gates is an aspie.
The basic problem is that Jarid (the stepson) is HUGELY internet addicted (fast food runs a close second). Any attempts to interfere with his "drugs" of choice cause major hissy fits. Jarid has also learned to use his disability when it suits him. He has had 2 work opportunities with a job coach in the last year and did miserably at both. Part of it is lack of hygiene, part is sheer lazyness. DH always cuts him breaks (blames the disability), but my shrink says we are letting him get away with WAY too much. That was my gut feeling too - nice to have it validated.
He is already getting counseling and is on meds. The disability service person is ready to certify him as unemployable - she is giving him one last chance as a favor to us. She says no other clients have as much at home support as we give Jarid. (She's also a successful RNYer)
Clay (my DH) has always been unable to discipline either of his kids. It has fallen to me. I'm tired of dealing with a kid who is such a mule. I just want him out of my house.
Gosh - I really DO need some kickboxing tonight!
PS - I have threatened to hose him off out in the yard in the dog's wading pool!
The basic problem is that Jarid (the stepson) is HUGELY internet addicted (fast food runs a close second). Any attempts to interfere with his "drugs" of choice cause major hissy fits. Jarid has also learned to use his disability when it suits him. He has had 2 work opportunities with a job coach in the last year and did miserably at both. Part of it is lack of hygiene, part is sheer lazyness. DH always cuts him breaks (blames the disability), but my shrink says we are letting him get away with WAY too much. That was my gut feeling too - nice to have it validated.
He is already getting counseling and is on meds. The disability service person is ready to certify him as unemployable - she is giving him one last chance as a favor to us. She says no other clients have as much at home support as we give Jarid. (She's also a successful RNYer)
Clay (my DH) has always been unable to discipline either of his kids. It has fallen to me. I'm tired of dealing with a kid who is such a mule. I just want him out of my house.
Gosh - I really DO need some kickboxing tonight!
PS - I have threatened to hose him off out in the yard in the dog's wading pool!
Wow, Houston you have a problem! I'm wondering if he's certified as unemployable how is he ever going to move out of the house? Are there any group homes in your area? Maybe Clay could benefit from some counseling? I realize there isn't any simple answer to this, and I'm sure you do too.
I'm sure I'm being no help whatsoever, Good Luck, Patty.
Go fo a swim, maybe that will help you to clear your head and release some of that pent up anger!
I'm sure I'm being no help whatsoever, Good Luck, Patty.
Go fo a swim, maybe that will help you to clear your head and release some of that pent up anger!
Patty it sounds like a really tough situation and one that's not going to resolve itself real soon. From what you're saying, you seem to be really trying to help the guy even though he makes you angry. It must be so frustrating not to have the support of your husband in trying to help him.
I always say the Serenity Prayer in situations like this one and use it to sort through stuff...what I can control and what I can't. Sounds like you can't control your stepson's behavior or his father's permissiveness. You can, however, refuse to do things for your stepson and I suppose you can refuse to live in an environment where everyone is not required to be responsible for themselves. I suppose you would do a much better job of sorting out what you can/can not control. I would have a serious conversation with your husband though and really tell him how much your stepson's behavior is effecting your emotional well-being. Every member of the family should have the right to be comfortable and enjoy their life.
I hope things get better for you!
Jen
I always say the Serenity Prayer in situations like this one and use it to sort through stuff...what I can control and what I can't. Sounds like you can't control your stepson's behavior or his father's permissiveness. You can, however, refuse to do things for your stepson and I suppose you can refuse to live in an environment where everyone is not required to be responsible for themselves. I suppose you would do a much better job of sorting out what you can/can not control. I would have a serious conversation with your husband though and really tell him how much your stepson's behavior is effecting your emotional well-being. Every member of the family should have the right to be comfortable and enjoy their life.
I hope things get better for you!
Jen
"Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground" - T. Roosevelt
Jen, that's a great reminder. A dear friend and counselor once told me something very similar. I can't control someone else's behavior, but I can choose not to let someone else's behavior control my reaction.
As a co-worker and I often say "Serenity Now" .....(oblig. Seinfeld reference)
Thanks, Patty
As a co-worker and I often say "Serenity Now" .....(oblig. Seinfeld reference)
Thanks, Patty
Hi, Patty!
Aspie or not, he's a grown-ass man and thus needs some boundaries. I see that you and DH are trying to set boundaries, but your stepson has obviously figured out there are no consequences if he doesn't fulfill his end of the bargain. Your DH isn't doing his son any favors by not having any expectations for him. I thought aspies were high-functioning autistics?
Why is it that parents sometimes excuse behavior in a child when they would not tolerate it otherwise? My sister's ex-sister-in-law had a daughter who had hip dysplasia as an infant (do you actually call it hip dysplasia in humans? Not sure) and had to have a lot of orthopedic work done.
Well, this kid was a master at manipulating her disability to get whatever she wanted. Lesley was excused from being a productive member of the household because she was "handicapped." One Halloween, I was stuck taking her out trick or treating because she showed up at my sister's house at the last minute (I was taking my nieces while my sister stayed home to hand out snacks).
About halfway through our trek, she decided she was done, so she kept "complaining" that her leg hurt. I could tell her leg really did not hurt by the way she was walking, so I said, "We aren't done yet." She continued to act out about her leg, and having been raised by Scandinavian parents who subscribed to the tenet "You can sleep when you're dead," I told her, "Tough, we aren't done yet." She pouted the entire evening, but she shut up about her leg, and then told her mother I was mean.
Lesley is grown now and isn't a productive member of society because she never had to be. Oy.
Long story short, I think it's unreasonable for your DH to allow your stepson to be stinky and unkempt and living in your home. P-U! Does he not tend to his hygiene because it's a control issue for him?
Kix
Aspie or not, he's a grown-ass man and thus needs some boundaries. I see that you and DH are trying to set boundaries, but your stepson has obviously figured out there are no consequences if he doesn't fulfill his end of the bargain. Your DH isn't doing his son any favors by not having any expectations for him. I thought aspies were high-functioning autistics?
Why is it that parents sometimes excuse behavior in a child when they would not tolerate it otherwise? My sister's ex-sister-in-law had a daughter who had hip dysplasia as an infant (do you actually call it hip dysplasia in humans? Not sure) and had to have a lot of orthopedic work done.
Well, this kid was a master at manipulating her disability to get whatever she wanted. Lesley was excused from being a productive member of the household because she was "handicapped." One Halloween, I was stuck taking her out trick or treating because she showed up at my sister's house at the last minute (I was taking my nieces while my sister stayed home to hand out snacks).
About halfway through our trek, she decided she was done, so she kept "complaining" that her leg hurt. I could tell her leg really did not hurt by the way she was walking, so I said, "We aren't done yet." She continued to act out about her leg, and having been raised by Scandinavian parents who subscribed to the tenet "You can sleep when you're dead," I told her, "Tough, we aren't done yet." She pouted the entire evening, but she shut up about her leg, and then told her mother I was mean.
Lesley is grown now and isn't a productive member of society because she never had to be. Oy.
Long story short, I think it's unreasonable for your DH to allow your stepson to be stinky and unkempt and living in your home. P-U! Does he not tend to his hygiene because it's a control issue for him?
Kix
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