A Change of Heart?

This Friday will mark my 11th week post-op. I've had many struggles, but I never, in a million years, expected to feel the way I do right now. The first 10 weeks I couldn't eat anything without being sick, vomiting, ect... After 10 weeks post-op my appetite came back and now I feel like I'm eating too much. At first I was so worried - I could only keep down apple juice and broth. The 10th week came and now I'm eating cooked spinach, fruit (not any and all, just a few), soups, and even a few bites of pasta. I can keep everything down without pain. However.....not without guilt. Now that I can eat a few things I'm completely obsessed with it.

THEN. To top that off I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond and bought a scale because I can finally weigh on one without having to purchase it on-line. I brought that sucker home and have been weighing every 5 seconds. And it's one of those scales that fluctuates - I'm this weight one minute and then the next I'm 4lbs heavier. I'm going insane. This will be solved tomorrow though because I've already packed that thing up and I'm returning it. I had the mother of all breakdowns tonight and my emotions are everywhere. I've felt like all my life that I would gain weight no matter what I did - and while I'm not 100% sure I'm gaining right now, I'm starting to feel like that is a true statement. Now that I can eat, I'm starting to feel a little bloaty and that's now how I felt for the first 10 weeks. I've always felt like I could be put on an island with tofu and water and I'd manage to gain weight. Before surgery I felt like no matter what I did I was gaining. It's the oddest thing because I KNOW this should work. And it is - don't get me wrong. I'm down almost 70lbs in almost 11 weeks. But still - the THOUGHT of gaining back one pound makes me want to jump off a bridge.

Have you been through this? Is this natural?

I went and bought a scale too and immediately developed scaleanoia, I thought I was going to have to carry it round like a handbag, so every time I stopped I could jump on it .  Return it or hide it and only weigh weekly, otherwise you will go completely nuts in a matter of days.

Great you can eat now, I would not get caught up in getting stressed eating little bits.  You will psycologically stop yourself losing weight if you do.  The best thing I reckon is to post your food each day so you are accountable and just get on and enjoy the fact that you are diminishing every day.  Don't get caught up in the negativity, only the positive.  By the way 70lbs is terrific.  You go girl!

Anne

Yesterday, I started to read a book called "Intuitive Eating" and it's already helped me to change my mindset about a couple of things.

First, about the scale thing, mine too is going to be put away.  Here's the deal - when my weight was going up, I did not care.  I did not weigh myself daily (or more often) or even weekly.  When I did weigh myself (at the Dr. where they had a scale big enough) I told myself that the weight I gained was "no big deal" because I didn't feel any differently than I had before.  I refused to even acknowledge what I was doing to my body until I started having significant LIFE consequences (like not being able to stand long, or walk through a store, etc.).  NOT ONE TIME did I ever tell myself - 470lbs. is too much to weigh.  As I look back on my pre-op situation, as long as I was able to do the things that I wanted (and needed to do in life) it would not have mattered one bit to me if I weighed 100lbs. or 600lbs.  And when I finally decided to have the surgery it, again, was about wanting to do things - I never said, "Gee.  I want to do this so that I can weigh 142 pounds (my goal weight at the surgery center)."  So, given this fact, why do I now feel the need to completely obsess about the number on the scale - to the absolute EXCLUSION of anything that was important to me in the first place?  I have decided to go back to my roots - as long as I am healthy and active I do not care if the number of the scale says 100lbs. or 300lbs. (although, if I'm honest I doubt I will feel completely healthy at 300lbs, but I digress).

About food - I had this surgery because I became convinced that DIETS DO NOT WORK!!!!  So, why am I trying to hang on to that diet mentality now that I am post-op?  Why am I labeling some foods as good foods to eat and other foods as bad foods to eat?  Yes, there are things that I need to understand about my health situation being a post-op patient, and these things will be foremost in my mind as I am trying to eat to support my goal of being as healthy and active as I can be.  When I journal what I eat, it is less than 20% of what I ate pre-op and it's healthy and good food for me.  If I eat 100 calories of pretzels, should I be flogged by the side of the road?  If I eat protein-added pasta every once in a great while or a few bites of potato does that mean I am ultimately destined to remain uber-obese for life?  I refuse to assume the mentality of being on a diet - I will listen to my body and my mind and make the choices that are best for me.  I know, if I feel stomach hunger tonight, I can choose a snack that is protein based and I will feel full for the rest of the evening no problem or I can choose a 100cal bag of popcorn and feel like I gave myself a little treat (and also feel full, just a little less long).  I will not diet and I will not forbid foods for myself - I know that leads me to rebel against the diet and eat everything in sight that I'm not supposed to.  I know others here may disagree with me and I am OK with that.  I'm not trying to manage anyone else's eating life, just my own.

Hang in there through this difficult time emotionally.  As you know, I am going through it as well.  There are times when I just can't stop myself from crying.  I spent 30 minutes of my last therapy session crying and telling my therapist that I was never going to weigh less than 400lbs.  Hopefully this book will help me continue to reframe some of my thoughts and feelings and I will start to pull out of this funk, but I'm not going to take a "I'm cured" stand after one day of reading a book. 

(((JMECAKES)))  Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.  You've been through a LOT.

I finally learned to not be obsessed with the scale just a few weeks ago.  Everytime I walked by it, I would step on it and it was frustrating too because I was in a stall. 

Now, I weigh myself once a week for our Monday weigh ins and don't go near it at all.  Something cured me of it and I don't know what.

One thing that will help you keep your eating in perspective is when you go back to BB & B to return that body scale, purchase a food scale and begin to become familiar with what a 1/2 cup looks like or what 3 oz of meat looks like.  And then track your foods on  thedailyplate.com or some other free website.  You will be surprised at probably how little you are consuming.

The freaking out does get better if you can establish some of these little habits.

I was an emotional wreck for the first 12 weeks after surgery.  I felt like hell and could not enjoy the weight loss.  There were times I felt like I should be twirling given how much weight I had lost but knew I barely had the energy to shower.  I never had buyer's remorse about the surgery, I just wanted to feel good again.  It seemed like it would never happen.  I would just cry and cry.  Thankfully my best friends would allow me these cry sessions and I always felt better afterwards.  I am here to tell you that at 15 weeks post-op, I am starting to see and FEEL the rays of sunlight.  I haven't cried in three weeks and it feels so good to be myself again.  I liked myself before surgery and I had energy and I was able to do things and after surgery that was not the case.  But as I said, that has changed for the better and I am loving life again. 

Keep on doing what you are supposed to do no matter how down you feel and you will find success.  As my friend told me and I often remind myself - your body will lose weight if you take in less calories than you expend! 

My best to you - Clinell

The scale and I have a love hate relationship and always have.  when I am losing I love the scale get on it every chance I get a soon as there is a problem I kick it, jumped on it and as of last week gave it away I have a doctors scale at were I work and when I avoid it well ( not always the case) I weigh on it twice a week once on Monday and the other on friday. I try to only do it once a week but I dont always make it!!!

I'll be 3 months post op on Aug 3rd and i can't stop crying either.  I feel like I am pigging out even though I am on about 1200 calories a day.  I think it's just the fact that we couldn't eat at all and now that we can it's scary.  that's what I keep telling myself anyway.  I have lost a whole person in the past yr (pre and post op) and I don't really FEEL smaller!  I look smaller to everyone else but I keep waiting for something bad to happen, like it's inevitable or something.  It' the weirdest feeling. 

Hang in there and hopefully this too shall pass.