Past Romantic Relationships. Discuss.

When I was in college back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, I met someone who ended up rocking my world for six years.  We made it through college together, graduated together, traveled together, loved together, and laughed often.  Of course, we were engaged to be married.

We ended up breaking things off when the relationship suddenly went sour very quickly.  Of course, I figured it was my fault and that I was deficient in some way (not pretty enough, not smart enough, just not enough).  No explanations were forthcoming, so I left San Francisco and moved to Los Angeles (and then to Japan, but that's another story!).

He later admitted to me (much later) that he was gay.  Gay!  So it wasn't my fault.  (I was surprised, frankly, because we didn't have problems in the physical aspect of our relationship.  I know, TMI).

I've had relationships since then, none very long term.  One included a man I met in Japan who loved me completely, but I was afraid to marry a man who was the oldest son in his family.  I did not want to spend my life tending in-laws.  And, in the early 80s, Japan might as well have been Mars, that's how isolated it felt from the US.

Even now (and we're talking over 20 years), I dream about my college love from time to time.  I woke up this morning, startled because I'd had a vivid dream about him, consarn it.  I almost started to cry, and I never cry.

I just don't get it.  This man was not my first love (I had a boyfriend in high school) and as I mentioned, I'd had relationships since then.  Why does this dude linger in my subconscious?

Oy, just oy. 

I think I'll go to the gym now and exercise while listening to mopey chick music.

Thanks for listening!
Kix

I dunno - I hesitate on the "pop" psychology part - but do you think it might be because it's easier to love (and romanticize) what we know we can not have than to be vulnerable and fully put ourselves into an imperfect relationship?

Second, although he may play the character role in your dreams - the dreams are not really about him- they are about mourning the relationship that you want to have with another person.

I don't know if you've ever discussed your relationship with him at length.  It is likely that he knew he was gay for some time and did what he felt that he needed to do to "cover it up".  Is it possible that he was able to "read" everything that you wanted from a relationship and "acted the part" to keep up the facade?  That sounds cruel - and I don't mean to imply that your relationship was not genuine, but is it possible that he fulfilled more of your fantasies about a relationship because of his internal struggles than you would have with a man who didn't have a huge secret?  If so, it wouldn't be helpful to you to hold on to the fantasy relationship because the only reason it was so perfect was to hide something. 

Hmm, I dunno if I made sense with what I said and I'm not sure that it's helpful to you.  Hang in there Kix, I hope the mopey chick music helps.

I certainly knew there were aspects of our relationship that weren't perfect, so I don't think I'm only remembering the good times.

The way I found out he was gay is that he went to one of those life-changing seminars (Lifespring) where I guess they encourage you to be forthright and honest with all your loved ones.  Oy!  So, yes, we did discuss everything, probably too much so.  He never denied his love for me, it was more that he wanted to be straight and in the long run, realized he wasn't going to change. 

Thanks for the input, and BTW, the mopey chick music made it worse, I think.  I pulled something in my previously unpulled knee, so now I'm limping again. 

Kix

I dunno - I hesitate on the "pop" psychology part - but do you think it might be because it's easier to love (and romanticize) what we know we can not have than to be vulnerable and fully put ourselves into an imperfect relationship?

Second, although he may play the character role in your dreams - the dreams are not really about him- they are about mourning the relationship that you want to have with another person.

I don't know if you've ever discussed your relationship with him at length.  It is likely that he knew he was gay for some time and did what he felt that he needed to do to "cover it up".  Is it possible that he was able to "read" everything that you wanted from a relationship and "acted the part" to keep up the facade?  That sounds cruel - and I don't mean to imply that your relationship was not genuine, but is it possible that he fulfilled more of your fantasies about a relationship because of his internal struggles than you would have with a man who didn't have a huge secret?  If so, it wouldn't be helpful to you to hold on to the fantasy relationship because the only reason it was so perfect was to hide something. 

Hmm, I dunno if I made sense with what I said and I'm not sure that it's helpful to you.  Hang in there Kix, I hope the mopey chick music helps.

My best friend in high school, who I had the most dreadful crush on, ended up telling me he was gay about a year ago. I'd suspected it, honestly, from the beginning and it was only knowing he'd been with girls that made me doubt. That being said, I still have a little crush on him, and I still compare other men to him, usually to their detriment. He was funnier, he smelled better, he was more fun, etc. One of the first things that attracted me to my husband, oddly enough, was that he reminded me so much of Eric. He was my straight Eric. Honestly though, if the world was perfect I probably would still have chosen the gay Eric if I had a choice in the matter.

I never suspected that my guy was gay, mostly because I had a platoon of gay friends and he didn't like them very much.  They didn't like him, either.  I usually don't have problems identifying gay men, but in this case, I guess either my gaydar didn't work with him or he had a gaydar blocker. 

It's probably a good thing we didn't stay together, we'd have had a relationship like Bill and Hillary, and you can see how well that's working out!

Kix

That's like my aunt, she found out her husband of 3 years was gay. No one suspected that one at all.

You said it yourself - this man represents a great time in your life.  You went through college together, graduation, travel, laughter and love.  He represents a good time in your life and because of that he was ALWAYS have a special place in your heart.  Don't mourn it - celebrate it!  Celebrate that you lived life to the fullest and that there is still hope for times like those because you are still here on earth, still able to live and enjoy life!

That's true, I did have a great time, even on that stupid "Love Boat" cruise we took from San Francisco to Cabo San Lucas.  He was a big "Love Boat" fan and insisted we go on a cruise.  I thought that was probably the corniest thing we ever did. 

Kix

Isn't it interesting the characters from our lives and pasts who populate our dreams? I used to be embarassed about some of the guys that would pop into my dreams in romantic roles, especially if it was a friend or co-worker that never even appealed to me "that" way.  I've ceased feeling like I need to blush when I encounter the person in real life. I've recently had similar dreams about an old friend back East.

I think that people pop up because some aspect of our feeling about them is relevant. I think Clirishu has an excellent thought about it being a young, free time in your life. Plus I'm also finding that even with the amount I've lost so far, I'm starting to feel more, um, stirrings of interest in the sexual dept. I think that as you are feeling better and more alive, I think you get hornier. At least I do. (TMI?)

As for gay guys and other "softer" men (my Clay and Jenn's sweetie) - hey, they are much easier for me to be around, especially if I'm feeling vulnerable. I was really turned off by men in all varieties after my divorce (ex threatened shoot me & my Dad).  Then I started working backstage at the local theater and made lots of gay guy friends. For me, my gay friends were sort of "training wheels" to men. I went through a phase where I crushed really badly on one of these buds. It was a safe kind of flirtation. It is sad that so much clicks but it's just not meant to be.

You don't need to answer this, but where are you right now romantically? Maybe this dream of a beautiful time in your youth is reminding you that if you aren't in a relationship, maybe you're ready to tip toe in those waters again. Or maybe not.