Thinking thinking thinking

Someone pointed this post out to me and I was wondering if any of you are going through the same type of experience - distaste for heavy people once you are post-op? http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/rny/a,messageboard/board_id,5465/cat_id,5065/topic_id,3587692/action,replies/ I am sort of going through the opposite.  I didn't mind being fat, per se.  I was sad that I was locked up in a body that didn't want to work right and that I was missing out on a lot of life experiences, but I was not ashamed of being fat.  It is part of who I am, and I like who I am.  If I hadn't been fat, I wouldn't be who I am, right?  My life would probably be a lot different - better or worse, I don't know, but not me.  I had a lot of pride in who I was.  I say HAD because that has changed a lot since surgery. Since surgery I am ashamed.  I am ashamed that I had to have surgery.  I am ashamed at how large I was.  I wasn't ashamed then, why am I ashamed now?  This is very personal, and tough to discuss, but my self-esteem went to the toilet after surgery.  I am not sure why, but I think its because I realized I could not do it on my own.  I realized I'd eaten myself to an early grave and I couldn't fix it by myself.  I like to think I could do anything if I really wanted to, but I couldn't keep off the weight.  Anyway, this post touched me in some ways and bothered me in others.  I was wondering how you'd react.  This is especially timely for me because I said something shocking the other night - it really upset me that I said it and I cried afterwards because I realized I meant it.  My husband said he'd like to see me in a certain lingerie set, and maybe take pictures *wink wink* I said "I don't want to do that, I'm too..." and then I stopped.  He prompted me to finish the sentence though, and I said "because I'm too ugly"  WTF?  Where did that come from?  I never used to think I was ugly.  Now I'm 145lbs lighter, people say I look great, and I think I'm ugly.  And I meant it.  I cried for myself.  Where did this come from?  I used to really like myself.  Why don't I now?  Now I just see all the flaws, the things that need to be fixed or will need to be fixed instead of the things that look better and feel better.  Is anyone else going through this kind of thinking?  Ugh, I'm crying now.  At work.  Great! 

I was shocked at some of the things I read on that thread, they really got me thinking too. I can't say I have ever felt disgusted looking at an overweight person, I've felt sorry for them, I know what they are having to go through. More power to them if they are out dancing! I too have thought about all that needs fixing now that most of the excess weight is gone. My DR asked if I was thinking of having any plastics done, and I told her "Not until my Husband starts complaining" of course I know he won't, I'm much more critical of myself than he could ever be, but I've been thinking more and more about a tummy tuck ... will that lead to me wanting other surgery? That's what scares me, because I know that I will never ever have that perfect size 8 in a bikini body. I sometimes wonder if I was more confidant when I was heavier, because I had to be to deal with the world around me?

I wonder about getting hooked on plastics too.  And I think I was more confident 100lbs ago because it was a different situation.  People weren't looking at me like I was "one of them"  - I was so big they were looking at me like some kind of circus alien.  Now I'm still fat but its a more acceptable sized fat, and people who knew me before who were asses are now suddenly my buddies.  Give me a break!  For me it was easier to be confident being an outcast, less pressure.  I could just think to myself "they are the jerks, not my problem"  Now its like I have the urge to be acceptable to society, but I look at myself and think I will never be acceptable.  I'm not sure what I am trying to say, but thank you for your very thoughtful post.  When I see people heavier than me now my inner reaction is usually "am I really smaller than that person now?  wow, I'm not the biggest person in the room."  I feel empathy for them, and I hope that they are doing ok and handling things ok.  I don't feel the urge to tell them to have surgery or anything, thats a personal thing.  I am nice and respectful, I make eye contact and small talk and if something comes of it fine, if not fine.  If I think something negative about someone it usually has very little to do with how they look, unless they look like they might smell bad.  Its usually because they are acting like a jerk and deserve to have people thinking negatively about them.

well, i went and read that thread. wow. i'm not sure i really identified with anyone who commented there. i weighed 463 - i'm 5'10" - bmi of 66.4 when i had surgery. i worked full time, traveled for work a lot (which was a HUGE nightmare). but when i wasn't working, i stayed home. i'm 51 years old, and i've never danced in my whole life. (so that ***** over there never had to worry about me being on her dance floor) i would never have done anything like dancing (and still won't) -- i never wanted to do anything to draw attention to myself. i always thought my weight was getting me enough attention. i was always ashamed. i let people say horrible things to me and just took it cause inside of me, i thought they were right. and also - i've never married, never dated, no boyfriend. i have really limited social skills now, at 173 with a barely normal bmi for the first time -- i'm just confused about everything! i think i'm still fat, but others tell me i'm not. i don't know who to believe - them or me? but i do know how i feel towards other people who are large -- i feel fine. i used to get treated so badly by other passengers in airports, that i've made it my mission to seek out the large woman in the gate area and just make conversation with her. no one would ever speak to me in airports. it was crazy -- did they think speaking to me would mean they'd have to sit by me, or did they think my fatness was contagious, or what?? i don't bring up weight, or weightloss, or anything like that. i just want to be friendly -- like no one was to me. i'm happy to have lost 290 lbs. i'll tell anyone who asks me all about it. i'm not ashamed to have had weight loss surgery. i used to have that "i can do anything" attitude you mention, jen. but i'm older now, and i think you kind of lose that along with your youth! when i decided to have the surgery, i felt like NOT having it would be more shameful for me -- it would be like i was just giving up if i didn't try everything i could to win this battle. i'm just kind of drifting along, hoping i'll make the mental adjustments needed, and it'll all become clear to me at some point. and maybe i'll even develop some social skills...who knows? i DO know that i will be devastated if i regain. i've rambled. sorry. deb

Deb you are the sweetest thing!  This really touched me, thank you for sharing.  You are amazing!  I have so much respect for everything you say in any post because you are so thoughtful and kind.  Its the quiet people that you really have to listen to, because when they do speak up its always meaningful.  

There's a lot of interesting thoughts and feelings in that post, some positive and some negative.   I'm sort of like you - I didn't really mind being fat.  I did what I wanted for the most part, and was, as I so aptly put it "pretty active for a fat lady."  I definitely would not be the person I am now if I had not grown up as a fat child, spend my adolescence as the fat teenager who never had a date in high school, then went on to college and was the fat, funny girl.  Sure, I learned some painful lessons, but I also learned how to distinguish between things that were my problems/responsibilities, and other people's baggage.   Like you, I was not ashamed of being fat.  I was, however, ashamed that I needed surgery to lose weight.  In fact, I struggled with that shame for several years before I finally gave in a realized that surgery was a valid, healthy choice for me.  And once I made that decision, I moved forward with my head held high, pushed those shameful thoughts to the side, and never looked back.   I don't think of myself as ugly, but I don't think of myself as pretty either.  I'm not sure I even think of myself as average.  And when one of my girlfriends says something about me being "cute," I hear the words, but I don't really feel like it's true.  I'm wondering if it all has something to do with having developed a "thick skin" when it comes to comments about my appearances, because when I was younger, such comments were always negative.  So my "filters" are set to simply ignore comments that have to do with what I look like.   When I look in the mirror, I definitely see the flaws, not the improvements.  And I've been wondering if that will change after I have plastics to get rid of my excess skin and this saggy old body of mine looks more "normal," whatever that is...  I see the flabby arms, the saggy belly, the droopy cottage cheese thighs, and let's not even talk about the girls...  I have to force myself to see the muscle tone underneath the skin, the fact that I have abdominal muscles, the thinner face, the hourglass figure.  Sometimes I just stand in front of the mirror and stare at myself; not because I'm being vain and preening, but to help my brain understand what this body looks like now....   As far as the content of the post, I pity anyone who now looks at folks who are where we started and judges them.  Who are we to judge?  We all came to the decision to have WLS in different ways, from different backgrounds.  Perhaps the person you're looking at got turned down for surgery, or has no insurance, or has such high risk factors that it's not a good option for them.  Or perhaps -- get ready for it -- they are happy with their life and their body, and don't want to change it.  Are they taking risks by staying overweight/obese?  Perhaps.  But it's their choice.  Not ours.  And I, for one, have no right to judge.   And, for the record, Jen, you are gorgeous, inside and out.  Now wipe those tears, blow your nose and strut your stuff.  You've got it going on, girlfriend, and your OH peeps will not let you forget it.   Lots of love coming your way from Cleveland - Kellie

Kellie - I think you not only understand what I am saying/feeling, you are much better at expressing it clearly!  Thank you for sharing your journey with us! It makes me so sad to see so many people on these boards who are drowning in self-hatred, calling themselves nasty names because of their weight and whatever.  It makes me wonder if they really feel that way or they have just heard it so many times that they think that's how they are supposed to feel?  That's part of why it upset me so much to hear myself saying the same thing.  I never used to think about weight so much.  I never used to look at people and guess their weight or compare them to me.  I think its partly that I am just trying to get oriented and weight is so much the focus of my life these days.  I hope it doesn't stay that way indefinitely. 

Dunny, I almost cried reading your post (and I'm not a crier, so congratulations on getting me to do that).  I totally identify with what you said (well, except the part about your husband taking pictures of me in hot lingerie, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to do that, ever).  All I see now is Hoppy and Bob, Thigantor and Thigantorina, a hanging belly (I haven't named it yet), and the fact that I'm 50 years old and currently feel like I have no direction in life.  I do not like myself right now, and that's rarer for me than crying.  I have always liked myself regardless of how fat I was.  I have no job, no boyfriend, and no idea what to do next.  How's that for improvement?    I keep telling myself that life is so much better now that I do not weigh 500+ lbs, but some days, it's just hard to make myself belive it.  This makes me feel ashamed. Kix

I tugged at your heart strings, nanny nanny boo boo! Seriously though, its so strange to feel so negative.  I don't know when it happened.  Is it depression?  And it grows and feeds on itself.  I'm ashamed of being ashamed.  I suppose its all part of the crazy journey, but I just feel unsettled and like a failure.  And that scares me because I don't like to fail.  I'm a perfectionist, and if I failed at this, what else am I going to fail at?  I think part of it is that I don't feel like these emotions should be valid.  Its wrong to me.  I should be thankful, thrilled, etc.  I am sometimes.  But all these other feelings are hard.  I used to suppress them with food maybe, and now I'm forced to experience them?  *big hugs*  I'm sorry you are going through what you are going through.  I hope it gets better for both of us! 

This post was a doozy.  If you can't tell AB and I have quite a bit of animosity towards one another so it's hard not to rip that ***** a new one. Anyway - I am very open about my dislike over heavy people in the very beginning (when I was about 370 pounds) because it was VERY eye opening for me. It wasn't because they were heavy that I disliked them - it was more because they were still able to eat and enjoy anything they wanted and I had to sit back and eat my 6 bites of protein. Blech. That part in the beginning was VERY rough on me. Where your head was still hungry but you just couldn't get it in. That was when I realized how much of an addict I was. I didn't hate MO people for exisiting - I hated myself for being envious of them, which in turn turned my stomach. So it was a great learning experience for me. At least I chose to take something away from it instead of shrugging it off as something miniscule. If you know anything about me I'm probably the LAST person who would be bigoted so this was life altering for me to think this way. At least I figured out the truth behind it right? As to change I am still so fat in my head I'm miserable. Here's some fuel for the self rightious people who hate my guts - I hate my life. I couldn't be more miserable. I am not excited. I am not ecstatic about where I'm at. I actually could care less about protein, water, exercise, whatever. I wish I could just sit in my bed and eat. Life sucks. OH sucks. People suck. And I suck extra. And the sad part is I don't see anything changing anytime soon. Life is still going to suck. And stupid peanut butter cups DON'T MAKE IT BETTER. I actually feel like this has been stolen from me. Where food used to soothe I feel nothing. So I eat more. Get sick. Remain sick. Eat more. Get sicker. And still feel no relief. I don't know what's ******g me off more. The fact that I am the worlds best self saboteur or that old comfort foods are gone now as is my perfected binge eating. Anyway - this thinking makes me feel ugly. It makes me withdraw. And it has made me miserable. Somedays I think an early death would rank over post op WLS required rules. So people who want to hate fat people just because they're fat are ugly people to begin with. Fortunately I know this for a fact (having been friends with the psychotic ***** before I learned the truth - seriously she latches on like a leech and sucks the lifeblood out of you) and she has issues of her own. OBVIOUSLY. It's kinda sad. I wish I could pity her but you have to care about someone to pity them and she's too far gone to give a **** about. Yuck - washing my hands right now.  Hope you have a better day my friend. If it's any consolation I am probably the most pitiful most miserable person you could hang around with right now and I don't see any light in the tunnel. I hope you're not where I'm at - and if you are I'm here to listen. I have little to offer hope wise but I'm an ear. So just know you're not alone honey. I couldn't feel more ugly then I do right now and no amount of weight loss, hair colors, new clothes, manicures, pedicures, or plastic surgery will fix my ugly. It's too deep rooted to be fixed with bypassed organs.