Anyone else feel alone?

Does anyone else feel like the largest person on this website even though they've lost gobs of weight? I knew it would come to this but I'm really struggling with it. Some days I want to slap the lightweight poster *****ing about being a size 12 at 6 months out when I'm barely squeezing into a 18/20 over a year. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy with where I am - and happy for them too - but sometimes I feel like such a loser because I'm still so large even though I've lost 145 pounds.  I started my journey at 390 pounds and a BMI of 69.4 so basically I was pretty large. I'm a mere .8 from being in the obese category - can you imagine? ME - simply obese and not morbidly so? Or super morbidly so? That day will bring tears to my eyes for sure.  But I guess what I'm getting at is I never see anyone where I was or where they needed to lose over 200 pounds here anywhere further out then I am. I see a lot of 100's or 140's but never over 200. And if I do they have NOTHING on their profile telling their story. I guess I'm back to the place where I need to reaffirm that losing 210 pounds is possible. Somedays I feel like such a lightweight snob. You only had 100 pounds to lose? Quit your *****in! How horrible is that thinking? Sheesh.  I guess I'm just terrified it will just end for me and I'll be stuck MO forever. It wouldn't be the end of the world but it sure wouldn't be ideal.  So am I the only one who feels like they're the only ones who haven't really made progress even though they've have phenomenal success? Or should I just shut up because more success will come with time? I'm usually pretty positive but I feel like I'm drowning in my own self disgust. Most days I loathe my self induce hatred. I wish I could just shake it. I guess that is something I will have to work on forever. Thanks for caring enough to share, Jenny

I weigh anywhere from 215-220 lbs depending on the day of the week.  I want to be under 200 lb.  I need to be 180 lb before my HMO will cover a tummy tuck. Having said that, I had to go shopping today for something to wear for my job interview tomorrow.  I am still in plus sizes even after losing 300+ lbs; however, I am in the smallest size offered at the plus size store and not the gigantic plus size that can only be ordered through catalogs.  I used to wear a size 60 or 70.  Today, I was able to try on all sorts of plus sized outfits at Catherine's without even breaking a sweat.  I'd like to give a big round of applause to whoever at Catherine's came up with their new pant line called, "Perfect Fit."  Finally, people like me who have basset hound legs and huge thighs can find pants off the rack that fit and need no hemming at all.  Woohoo!  I bought two pair (didn't need more than that yet, they are dressy slacks).  I'm probably a size 20 now. Once I have the excess fat/skin/whatever else is hanging there removed, I'm sure I will be down to a 16.  Will life be 100% better when that happens?  Probably not, I've lived my entire life living the life I have at the moment and not dwelling on "what ifs." Does your life suck so much now that if you never lose another pound or inch, it would be a tragedy?  Some days I am annoyed that I'm still (a bit) fat, but my WLS counselor pointed out to me the other day that I have overcome so much, quit focusing on the small negative!  He's right. I have a job interview tomorrow and, boy howdy, am I nervous!  One thing I don't have to be nervous about at this interview is being too fat for the interview chair, or having someone look at me and decide I'm too fat to hire, etc.  We've all been there.  I can go to the interview and tell them why I'm right for the job, and I know they will listen rather than think, "Good Lord, she's as big as a house!" Welcome to BMI Over 50, you're among friends here. Kix

Hi Jenny, I'm glad you've come over here to visit the BMI over 50 board because its a very peaceful supportive place to be. There are numerous regular posters here with stories similar to ours who are long-term success stories and they work VERY HARD to stay that way.  One thing they all seem to have in common is that it took quite some time to lose down to goal weight, and they exercise - they have adapted to an active lifestyle.  Stick around and get to know them - very inspiration stuff.  Kix who posted above has lost 300 lbs and she opens our gym post everyday where people list what exercise they've done!  PJBurton climbs mountains, BIG mountains, and does adventure hike/race whatevers (I have no idea what they are called but I've met her and let me tell she rocks her new body hardcore - she's like 18% body fat without any plastic surgery and she's training to run 5ks.  She's lost over 200lbs.  KMRubesne works out twice a day in the gym.  Marge opens our once a week weigh in every Monday - she weighs 150 now and started at 400lbs (and as far as I can tell she's just an active lady, rather than someone who works out regularly).  There are many others.  We may never get down to a normal weight, we may always have an obese BMI, after all we've got some heavy bones and muscles from carting around all that weight, but we can be healthy.  It really is a whole different world starting heavier on OH because in my August surgery forum almost everyone is already at or very near goal.  I'm halfway-ish.  On top of it my food issues and whatever mental issues that made me turn to food are likely a little worse than theirs - afterall I got up to 440lbs when they came to their senses and had surgery at 300 or 250.  I would soooo love to be 250.  I know you've had eating disorder issues and self-hate issues and you battle with that stuff all the time, but you are such an upbeat insightful person I hate to see you down.  There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel, like you don't fit in here, but you should never ever feel like a loser because you have done awesome so far and you will continue to do so.  You will have your own pace but if you want it bad enough you will get to your goal - and you know that.  A lot of people on here don't have their profiles updated telling their stories, but I really hope some of them write them here for you because they are definitely worth hearing and some days when I am frustrated or down about my weight loss (or lack of, come on I've been hovering above twoterville for a while now) - I think about what the people on here have accomplished and its like a dose of fresh air.  I wish you the best (big hugs) Jenn

The journey for those of us who start our super morbidly obese is different than it is for folks who need to lose less weight.  In this forum, you will find people with stories like yours.  I'm one of them.  My pre-surgery weight was 396 pounds.  I had been overweight, obese, or super morbidly obese since I was a child.  Obviously, I had some pretty serious issues related to how I used food.  And having surgery wasn't going to fix those issues.  Nor was I going to be able to lose 220 pounds in 6 months; it just wasn't feasible, and it would not have been healthy for my body.   I can relate to the feeling that you've lost a lot of weight, but haven't made any progress.  Although I've now lost 210 pounds, I still feel fat, I still see myself as fat when I look in the mirror.  For me, some of that is because of all the excess skin I have; that extra skin hangs in a way that's so familiar to me, because it's what my belly has always looked like.  But some of it also relates to body image and perception issues, and I'm working hard to change that.  I used to avoid looking at myself in the mirror, but I do it every day now.  And I especially try to do it when I'm at the gym, standing next to someone who appears to be a "normal" size.  Because in those moments when I catch sight of myself standing next to a "normal" person, I'm literally amazed at what I look like, that that's me in the mirror.   My journey actually got a lot harder when I was at around 220-225 pounds.  Sure, I'd lost 170+ pounds, but I was still obese, and my honeymoon period of super-fast weight loss was over.  Could I still lose?  Sure.  But I was going to have to work for it.  And I'd never been able to do that before surgery, so why should I be able to do it now?  For me, the answer was because I wanted it, and wanted it badly.  I wanted to be healthy, to be happy, to be able to do whatever I wanted without physical limitation.  And at 220-225 pounds, I was in good enough physical shape to be able to push myself to limits I'd never dreamed of.   I lost ~170-175 pounds in the first 14 months after my surgery.  It took me the next 12 months to lose another 30 pounds.  And now I'm down another 10-15 pounds.  I've done a lot of research about nutrition and exercise.  I've committed to eating healthy, weighing daily, keeping a daily food journal, and to exercising about 10 hours per week.  I do these things because I'm worth it.  I deserve to be happy, and healthy, just like those "normal" people out there, and you deserve that too...  And honestly, they aren't all that normal - we all have issues, some of us just have them out there for the world to see, like our weight. You're taking the right steps - you've identified that you don't like your self-induced hatred, that it's not working for you.  It will take time to replace your old, unhealthy thought patterns with new ones, but it can be done.  Is it easy?  No.  Is it worth it?  Absolutely.   I hope some of this is helpful to you, and I wish you luck on your continuing journey -  Kellie

hello jenny good to meet you...this board is probably the place you've been looking for! i understand exactly what you're saying about the lightweights. when i first came to OH, i was hanging out at the jan05 surgery date board...but after a few months the kind of lightweight whining you're talking about started to annoy me. when this board was started up, i was thrilled! people like me! i hope you feel as at home here as i have. i'm afraid i fall into the category of people with "NOTHING" on their profiles. so here's my story: i'm 51 years old, never been married or had kids. live alone. i've been overweight the whole 51 years. weighed 80 lbs in the first grade. i had one of the earliest forms of wls in 1980 -- they just called it gastric stapling then. i was 315 lbs at that time. i lost 140 lbs, then the staples "unzipped" and i gained it all and more back. i've lost significant amounts of weight over the years through hypnosis, optifast, etc...but always regained the lost amounts and more.

then i decided to try surgery again. it had been 25 years since my previous wls, and obviously surgical techniques and procedures had changed significantly. insurance didn't cover it, so i used money from my 401k and was self pay. day of surgery i weighed 463 - bmi was 66. i had surgery in a hospital 2.5 hours from home. drove myself down there, had a neighbor pick me up when i was released. went home alone... now it's 3 years later. my life is SO different -- SO wonderful. i can hardly believe it yet. today i weigh 177, my bmi is 25. i have huge skin issues, but i'm working my way thru dealing with them. money is always an issue, but again, i'm raiding my 401k. (i'll probably be a penniless, homeless old woman someday, but i'll have a "normal" body shape!) i had a lower body lift in december. it's amazing. for the first time in my life, i have a flat stomach! i've spent a lifetime avoiding mirrors, now i'm drawn to them to look at the amazing sight i see -- and incredibly, it's me! i have some issues with body image evidently, as i think i could lose a few more lbs, but others tell me i've lost enough. i'm not sure whether to trust their opinions or mine. sometimes i think people tell me i've lost enough cause the contrast between before and now is so great. it's a constant battle that isn't going to end, at least for me. but i think it's worth the struggle. hope to see you around here often! deb

Hi Jenny...welcome to our "family".  First off, let me say how sorry I am to hear you talk about self hatred and to say you loathe yourself some days.  Kix mentioned a nutritional counselor...do you have anyone you can talk to on a professional level?  You have made some serious accomplishments and I know its easy for me to say you should be proud of yourself, but if you truly have the negative feelings you wrote about, that could be the key to hindering your  further success. I'm not talking about the random day you look in the mirror and wish that skin wasn't sagging or when you look at a photo and think you look fat in it still....your poor self anaylsis sounds greater than that. I truly hope you get a handle on these feelings.  We all understnad and we're here to help you any way we can. HUGS   Jeanine

Hi Jenny, I am not super smart or insightfull like the others on this board.  But I do feel your pain. I too have the same feelings you do. I started at 468 and now am at 348 and I still feel like I have not accomplished anything.  I still have all the issues with food I had before. I still struggle everyday to follow the plan. I have weeks that I exercise everyday. And other times I just don't care. I think it would be easier if I only had 100 lbs to loose. Because the accomplishment would be quick.  I never remember wearing a size 18. I was always heavy ever since I can remember. But at least I try.  I too am scared I will not loose anymore weight. That this is it.  Thank you for posting the last few weeks I have felt the same way!!!  I have tears running down my face at this very minute. The pain is huge. I don't know about you. But I did think it would be alot easier than it has been. I feel like such a loser. Even WLS didn't work for me!!!! I think thats my biggest fear. Everyone will look at me and say she had WLS and still failed.  OH MY GOD!!!!  That will only comfirm what a piece of **** I really am!!!! Is that what you think too?  I'm sorry I probably shouldn't be the one you talk to. I just wanted you to know your not in the boat alone.  I probably need serious mental health treatment. The problem is spent all my money on WLS.  Maybe I made the wrong choice.  Keep up the Good Fight!!  I'm am!!!!

My dear friend you are not alone. And you are a comfort to me knowing I don't struggle alone. I don't know where it got imprinted on me that I'm just a walking talking bag of garbage but it's there and it's real.  One thing I know about therapy is that it plants seeds of change in us. Trust me - I have been in extensive treatment for years in the past, and I know it's time to go back. I can only imagine where I would be if I hadn't have had it. I shudder to even think about it. But therapy is remarkably therapeutic. Imagine that! LOL. So maybe I should chalk this up to a bad day. It's been slowly turning into a bad month it seems. From a couple weeks prior to my 1 year anny to now it's just gotten worse and worse and worse. I guess for me being vocal about it makes it real and something I can actually start to work on. There is real power in being quiet and not claiming your struggles. Suffering in silence makes change a damn near impossiblity but actually saying them out loud makes for progress. And I'm thankful to have found a sounding board here. Thanks to all of you for helping me out. I really appreciate your candor and friendship.  Jenny

I understand exactly what you are saying.  I started out at 366 lbs and now weigh 248 lbs.  I feel so much better physically and can do so much more than before. Then I read a post on the main RNY board from someone whose starting weight is 250 lbs or so and they go on and on about how heavy that is and how awful it is to weight that enormous amount.  You're feeling pretty good about yourself and then you read that the weight you have struggled to get to is horrible, certainly can bring you down. On this board you get to post with people who understand that when you start out where we did, the 200's feel pretty darn good and getting down to them was an acomplishment to be happy about and celebrate. I raise my water bottle in salute to all of the fine people on this board! Shirley

I'm 5 weeks post op and have been at this website every day.  Reading this thread has me in tears.  This is the first time I've cried since the surgery.  It's so easy to think that you are the only one going through this crap.  I too have found myself looking at posts wondering why they even thought they needed surgery.  I know that's not fair, but I sometimes get so frustrated that they ONLY have 102 lbs to lose.   I lost 60 lbs since my high and I'm still wearing a lot of the same clothes.     My therapist is having me read Mind over Mood.  My depression has been worse since the surgery and I'm hoping this helps some.  How can you lose 60 lbs and still feel like a failure???  I'm pretty much assuming that I'll feel the same way after I lose 100 lbs.  I'm beginning to ramble. I guess I want to thank you Jenny for starting this thread.  And thank everyone else for their input.  I don't feel quite as alone after reading your responses. -Dawn