Burned Out??????

I don't know whats wrong with me?   I keep saying to myself its been 6 months since I had.................. Yesterday it was Mountain Dew. Oh my god......I bought one at taco bell and drank about 1/4 of it and got so sick to my pouch and a terrible headache.  Two days ago it was McDonalds Fries and Hot Mustard.  Why am I doing this to myself??? Six Months Since.................. Is killing me.  Has anyone else done this???? I am so discouraged. I haven't even posted or lurked lately cause I am just over this.  I loose weight for a couple of weeks then I stall. Then I loose again. Then I get mad cause every time I stall I think I will not loose anymore weight. Then I think I spent all this money for nothing.  Then everyone is watching every move I make.  I am sick and tired of this.  I still got 150 lbs to loose.  What the hell am I going to do?

I can't say I did this, but I can understand the mentality and what you are going through in the stalls.  Here's my opinion for what its worth The six months thing - that's food addictions coming in to play, and you will have to get through them to be successful with this.  Part of that process for most people is exactly what you did - get the mountain dew or the fries or the whatever, eat it, get terribly sick and either learn that its not worth it or keep torturing yourself repeating the behavior.  Sometimes you are going to mess up, you didn't get fat overnight and you won't get skinny overnight.  You will make mistakes, you will overeat, eat the wrong thing, etc.  Sometimes it will make you sick, sometimes it won't.  Sometimes it will really affect you mentally with guilt, etc.  The important thing is to move forward, get past it, and get back on track as soon as possible.  This is a journey where you learn a lot about yourself and what you are capable of.  Do you think this kind of thinking, 6 months since this or that, is sort of a self-sabotage thing?  Are you afraid of failing?  Are you afraid of succeeding?  Are you afraid that even if you do everything perfectly you still won't lose the weight, so you figure why bother?  I've gone through all of these feelings and still do.  You can do this.  This is a chance at a new kind of life and its not just about food its about control.  Its about how you cope.  Its about change, and its a slow complicated process that is different for everyone.  Its even more complicated when you are a true blue food addict like many super morbidly obese people are.  As for the weight loss pattern, its tough.  Stalls are tough.  Stalls, to me, are the toughest part of this journey so far.  Many people will suggest putting away the scale.  In your case, I agree.  If its affecting you this strongly, weigh once a week or even better once a month.  As for everyone watching every move you make.  I have no idea how to cope with that, but try to remember most of them have your best interests in mind and when you are ready, tell them to stop.  It doesn't help you, it makes you tense, and being tense makes you want to eat.  This is your journey not theirs, and you've got to get through it on your own.   What are you going to do?  That's up to you.  You are going to succeed if you want it and work for it, you are going to fail if you don't.  I hope that doesn't sound har****s just the facts.  You can do this.  I visualize surgery like this - there is a huge mountain (300lbs of extra weight) ahead of me and I have to climb it.  Due to what life has dealt, as well as my own behaviors, I am hampered by an addiction and a body that wants to hold on to its fat.  I think of that as trying to climb this mountain with one leg.  It'd be damn hard with no help, probably impossible for any but the absolute strongest and most determined.  But surgery is a crutch, it makes it possible to climb that mountain.  It doesn't make it easy, by any means, but it makes it possible if you are willing to work for it, suffer a few bruises, fall down sometimes, but get back up and keep going. Its corny, but it works for me.   I wish you the best.  I don't think anyone can honestly tell you how to get through it, you will have to figure it out yourself.  All we can do is be here for you and give you our perspective.  Jenn

Jenn, You said it beautifully! Very good insight! God bless you! Cindy

Tommi - it's tough but you have to take it one day at a time. Instead of thinking about what you haven't had in so long, how about thinking about what you now can do that you couldn't before, when you were heavier. That's something I do to stay positive, but believe me I too have had my moments thinking how good a DR Pepper used to taste. No matter what, I choose not to taste it again, I chose to be healthier and have a better life. You can do this! I believe in you.

Tommi I have not had the surgery yet but I kinda do understand what you are going through. When I was in my twentys I dieted till I lost 160 pounds during that time I would get a little addicted to my scale. when it did not show a loss I would go buggy and eat everything in site. this very thing your talking about has put an end to alot of diets I have had. let me ask you a question  do you feel better since you have lost the 113 pounds? if the answer is yes well then you did not waste your money. now I am an impatient person and I am absolutley sure that I will be doing the Six months since dance as you are. and I prayer that my pouch will remind me not to.  I now that people have made statments to all of us that "we are or have taking the easy way out". but were not and this is proof just because you can't eat everything that you used to doesn't mean you wont want to. You are remarkable and are doing a good job this feeling will pass . and just remeber we are are own best friends and would we let our best freinds eat something that would make them sick. you are in my thoughts

Hey Tommi, As a matter of fact I am having the "6 months since..." week from hell as we speak, so I know exactly what you are going through...while I haven't actually gone out and gotten the foods that I am wanting, I am obsessing about them on an almost constant basis and i feel like i am losing my mind...and on top of that i have plateaued and not lost a stinking ounce for over a week and am freaking out about that too...add to that my birthday and our upcoming vacation where i am unveiling the "new and improved" me to my friends and family and i am in a big ol' comfort food/ emotional eating cluster f*#k! GRRRRR!!! I WANT CARBS AND I WANT THEM NOW!!!! hahaha   But really, I just keep on looking in the mirror, and at the label in the size 18 jeans that are a little baggy on me, and I think about how much more miserable I was 6 months ago...even if I could go out and eat a big old bowl of pasta and eat garlic bread and drink a bottle of wine, i always felt like crap afterwards, and i never wanted to go out anyways, cause i never fit at the tables at the restaurant, and everyone was always looking at the "fat chick"...so really, what am I missing? a hangover and some bread....i can live with that...i think...lol It's going to get better, we've been at the bottom Tommi, there's no place else to go but up. ~Lori

Lori, funny you should mention this.  I was walking to Starbux the other day and it dawned on me that nobody stares at me any more when I'm out in public.  When I weighed 500+ lbs, people were always gawking at me like I was a zoo animal. Kix

Hey Kix,   it's odd isn't it? I've also noticed that people have started looking me in the eye again. And I'm getting flirted with which is a little weird, my partner thinks it's funny though cause I get all flustered when it happens. ~Lori

I can't remember where I heard this yesterday, but take it one day at a time, and the days will add up! The surgery doesn't fix our heads, just our stomachs.  What you are going to do is this: instead of continuing to beat yourself silly over your relapse (and thus triggering additional slides), tell yourself you are starting anew as of tomorrow.  The 5-day pouch test would be an excellent way to help get you back on track.  You can find information about it on the main board. Again, I demand you stop beating yourself up!    All is does is feed into the whole shame cycle, and changes nothing for the better. Bossy Kix

Tommi, Both of the comments below from your other sisters here on the messageboard, are great! They couldn't have said it better! I have shared most of my journey in my profile, you are welcome to go to it and read it. Prayerfully it can be of some encouragement to you! You really are able to succeed. God bless you! Cindy