Sigh

Boy guys, I am really having a hard time today. I've been sitting at my desk just trying to pull myself together and having the hardest time - I'm alternating between tears and eating every piece of candy in site (the candy is winning, by the way). I just needed to write this out in hopes that I will feel better. It started this morning with my car (yes, again - I hate this stupid car). I had a "danger" sign flash before me saying I needed to stop the car now and check the oil. So I did and sure enough all my oil was gone - apparently a leak had depleted all of it. Luckily it's a slow leak that just hadn't been caught yet so I bought some oil and headed to work. It's just one more thing that I can't fix since money is so tight. The car thing just set me off - it was the last straw in what has been a crappy month and thus my out of control eating. Today was pure emotional eating from the moment I walked in the door at work. Everything just hit me all at once. I know part of it was the holidays without dad but I think most of this is due to my dating adventures, or shall I say lack of. This year I survived being laid off from my job, my dad getting sick and dieing, a close friend dieing and my aunt dieing and the whole craziness that ensued with that and no problem at all with my eating. Now I have problems with men and I am a complete basket case.  Good figure. I thought I was ready to get out there but apparently I'm not - it is drudging up some very bad memories and I'm reverted back to my old self who lacked any self esteem at all.  It is truly blowing me away that this is still an issue - I really thought I had dealt with it years ago. Apparently not and now I am just clueless what to do. I just feel like I will never be loved for me, no matter how thin or dazzling I am, there will be no one out there who sees me for me. And that just sets off a whole flood of emotions that I can't even begin to describe.  I can't afford counseling at this point but I know I need to make some changes and soon. I've been thinking about all this for a few days and just felt like I had to say it out loud - I probably trust you all more than most with this and I know you can relate to these issues more than anyone. I truly am happy and love this life I have created for myself, but this is such a big issue that I can't seem to get past it.  And the emotional eating is just out of control, today was actually the worst I have seen it. Thanks guys and if you have any suggestions I would welcome them - I'm kind of at a loss right now.

PJ - Step away from the candy bowl! I'm glad your sharing maybe it will make you feel better. No suggestions for you, I just want you to know I'm thinking of you right now.

*big hugs for PJ* I'm so sorry you are having a hard time and of course you don't need anyone to tell you that eating won't help, in the long run it will just make you feel physically worse and emotionally guilty.  Your VW needs to behave, dammit.  As for men, oy.  Men.  There's not much I can say about them except they make you miserable either way.  If you don't have one you want one, if you have one you wonder why you wanted one. You are totally loveable, pretty, funny, and fantastic.  In fact, you are awesome.  No doubt about that one.  I met you so I know what I'm talking about.  You can and will find someone who is compatible and appreciates the hundreds of wonderful things you bring to the table.  Please don't fall back in to old patterns because self confidence is a HUGE asset in the dating game.  Be yourself, your inner true self and if that doesn't dazzle your date then they don't deserve you.  And that's all I have to say about that I hope you figure out what kind of changes you feel you need to make and that you get emotionally settled.  Maybe you could try something like yoga for relaxation?  You'd improve other elements of your fitness and health as a bonus.

Just to let you know i'm thinking about ya! hope by the time I post this your feeling better!! Take a   always helps me! Estelle

Well, foxfart!  I don't like it that you are feeling puny and worthless when it isn't true!  (Your car, on the other hand, is puny and worthless). My niece met her husband on match.com.  (We hate him, but that's another matter entirely).  Have you tried them?  I think they are a bit more upmarket than eharmony.com. I'd like to date, too.  I haven't figured out where to meet men here (probably the Broncos games, which is too depressing to even consider).  Even so, while my self-esteem is fairly healthy, I guess I'm still too busy focusing on myself right now to put out those "hello, sailor!" vibes.  Well, perhaps I don't mean exactly, "hello, sailor!" but you get my drift.  Even so, it's kind of demoralizing when the garbage can goes out more than I do.  My take on all of this is that you're coming out of a bad year, and with school being on hiatus, you have way too much time to think about it.  I keep re-learning that when the demons are whispering evil things in my ears, the best thing to do is find something to take my mind off things.  Otherwise, I'd be diving head first into the bread bin at Whole Foods 24/7. It also doesn't help anyone's disposition that the weather in Colorado has been beyond sucky this winter.  Spring needs to get here in a big way, and quickly, please.  Until then, I'm probably going to start crocheting a blanket.  Anything to keep busy during this stupid weather. The bad feelings will pass.  OA might be an option until you can afford a more specialized type of counseling.  I wonder if there are counselors who take clients on a sliding scale?  I'm thinking of going to OA, and I do not plan to tell them I had WLS because it isn't their business how I lost weight.  I'm there for emotional eating issues. Repeat after me:  "I AM NOT PUNY AND WORTHLESS!"  You are PJ, smart and delightful.  After all, none of my friends are losers (except in the WLS sense).  I won't permit it.  Don't make me come over there and kick your shin, it's 20-something degrees outside. Kix

Thanks everyone, it is greatly appreciated. I got a good nights sleep and feel a little better today. Still a little weepy but I think that's a good thing actually. It just seems that everything came to a head yesterday - this year has been tough and I guess a melt down was in order. I had dinner with some friends and one of them is a nutritionist. I asked her about it and she gave me some great advice and a good book to read - "Mindless Eating." She is also going to keep me accountable, which will be very helpful. I'm going to try to find it at the library tonight. I never thought about OA, I just might look into that. At least it is something until school is done and I can find a full-time job. Luckily my support group is tonight and I am looking forward to that.   I think I am also going to cancel my E-Harmony account - it's pretty clear to me that I am not ready to handle that right now. It's amazing that in all other areas of my life I am fairly confident but when it comes to dating I become a 16 year old girl who can't think straight and who's self esteem is dependent on other people. As for the snowshoe guy, I just have to let that go. He's kind of acting like a jerk and I can't control that - it's just hard on my now fragile ego. On to another day - I hope I handle it a little better than I did yesterday. Thanks guys, you are the best 

geez pj, you have been having a CRAPPY year, haven't you? i hate it when cars misbehave! i haven't got any good advice for you - especially in the men/dating category, as i've never been on a date in my 51 years. but i wanted to say i'm thinking of you, and hoping things are better for you soon. take care. deb

A huge {{{{{hug}}}}} to you, PJ.  I can totally understand where you are coming from as it relates to the major meltdown.  I've had that happen many times during my life; in retrospect, they were often very cathartic.  Perhaps a recognition of things that were past, that I was finally willing to experience, acknowledge, and work to move past.  I hope the same is true for you.   Regarding "looking for love," I would encourage you to first and foremost work on loving yourself, and doing the things that you enjoy doing.  Love will find you when its time, and it may not come in the form you expect.  Just be open to what the universe sends your way; life has a surprising way of working out -  Sending some positive energy your way (along with a gun so you can shoot that darn car...) Kellie

Hey PJ -- Just wanted to let you know you have more good energy/vibes & prayers coming your way from Vermont. You are a phenomenal woman...and a role model for people like me. Just yesterday I has my appointment at the hospital (where I will get my RNY) and I told them about you. I said my goal was to become as enthralled with hiking/climbing/exercising as you have.  You really are a beautiful and influential woman and you have completely impressed me!  The men will catch on soon....when YOU are ready for them!!....  They're always a little slower than us women..... Cars suck! AND...lack of money sucks! I always get down in the dumps when I have to borrow from Peter to pay Paul.... ... Hang in there PJ... this too shall pass... I just hope it's sooner for you!  Thanks for your honesty too... you are not alone!!! Valerie

PJ i am late posting but want you to know that i am thinking of you and wishing you well.