Could You Come To My Party?

Pity party, that is Hello Old friends (and new ones)  Human beings are a fickle bunch. I was so faithful to this board when I needed all the support and love before my surgery. Afterwards................not so much. I was ashamed for going through the whole GBS process..........the crying, the laughter, the fear, the hope............only to be.........how can I say this? Not such a big failure, but not the success I had envisioned. I honestly thought (how stupid of me) that the GBS would cure the little fat girl once and for all. BIG SURPRISE!! She's still here!! I am going to bare my soul to you ( my old friends will say "oh! willby!" My new ones will say "OH!!!! WILLBY!!!!"  Now for my dirty little secret. And let me thank you in advance for listening. I dont dump when I eat sugar. So I eat sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. I eat anything my pouch can hold..........then I burp......the food comes up. I spit it out, and eat some more. I know its unhealthy. I know its semi-bulimic. I know I shouldnt do it. But I cant stop. Food is the ONLY way I know of to deal with stress. The honest to Goddess only way to deal. Or the only way I am willing to use right now. I am so stressed out I'm about ready to implode. My hunnybunnyhubby(most of the time) is leaving on January 6th for another tour in Iraq. He will be gone for a year. My most beloved daughter, Emily moved out this year to start her own family. I am heartbroken about losing her. She moved out in March and my gambling addiction and bulimia moved in about that time. I miss her so much.  She's only a 10 minute drive away, but she's gone. All you old time Moms know what I mean.           My Mom and the Twisted Sisters ( my husbands mom and aunt) still live with me. as do 5 cats and 2 dogs.......and oh yeah, i forgot...........my eating addiction and all-consuming lonliness/guilt/and shame. I started therapy a couple of months ago (again!!!!) but my therapist seems more like a "hi how are ya" type of friend than a real therapist. I sit in her office and diagnose myself. Yes, Dr., I know that this feeling of lonliness that never leaves me is directly related to a crappy childhood.......Yes, Dr., I know that i have HUGE abandonement issues.........Yes Dr, I know there are ways to deal with stress other than the ones I've chosen. Let me guess......would EXERCISE be one of them??  See? Still the same old Willby................willing to complain and moan and whine until she gets attention and empathy. Unwilling to change.  I'd laugh it it werent so sad. Man!!! I know this post  seems  like a big old pity-party-get-up-off-the-couch-and-do-something-about your-life Bithcfest 2008 (hell, ring in the New Year!! ) And I hope/know some of you will understand.. Its hard to get left behind for anyone at any age. Right? Right? Can a sister get a witness here?   Well, thanks for listening (and it didnt cost me a $25.00 copay) *smile* Take care and thanks for being here willby

Good morning Willby. You sound very depressed. Are you on anything for it? Sounds like you need a new Dr. You sound like many of us here that have eating disorders(surprise). Some people smoke (I use to, 3 pks a day), drink etc. because it "seems" to help but it does not. Also, I am going through some of what you are and have deceided I need to reach out for support. Keep reaching out and we can do this together. How about it everybody? Cindy

Hi Cindy,   Thank you so much for reaching out to a stranger in her time of need (as in...need a donut...need a poker machine........need anything to distract me from the pain.)  But I know you know. And thats what helps. Thanks again willby

Hi Willby, I was wondering where you have been.  I can empathize.  I, too, am not exactly a failure, but also not a great success.  I eat what I want.  I have no problems.  I never got "normal," and now I am just trying to accept the fact that, while I will never have a super-model body, I am now generally not the fattest person everywhere I go (although I usually still feel that way).  I also don't exercise.  I think that is for single people and housewives.  Between being a single mom of 2 and working 80+ hours a week in an extremely high-stress position, I just don't see how it can be done.  Life is better now than before WLS, but it definitely did not cure all my problems. My only goal before WLS was to be able to ride roller coasters, and I can now, so I should be happy about that, and I definitely am. I hope things get better for you.  This weight is such a curse! Take care and I will think of you! Carrie

I am relatively new to WLS, but Willby my heart goes out to you even though I don't know you. Best advice I can give you is to seek a new therapist.  This one is NOT helping you.  You have done the right thing by reaching out, so thats a good start. I will pray for you and your stress. Having a child (regardless of their age) leave home is traumatic for any mother. I think (and I'm no shrink) that many of us got in our situation because we denied our feelings. You seem to be in tune with yours, so if you can work on changing the thoughts that provoke the negative actions, you may find peace. Obviously you have had success with weight loss to be able to ride roller coasters again. Pat yourself on the back more for your accomplishments and beat yourself up less. They say we need to love ourselves first....God knows thats a very hard thing to do, but try.  God Bless!  HUGS  Jeanine

Hi Carrie Old GF,  Thank you for answering my post. Sometimes I feel so alone. And I was VERY hesitant (spell that a-s-h-a-m-e-d) to some back on here and post. I honestly truly feel that I am alone in this mess I've created. Thanks for letting me know I am not. willby

Jeanine,  Thank you for answering my post.  I knew I could find some Moms out there who miss their babies. (even if the babies are 18, 24,28). It was so much work raising them up.........but I miss it a lot. Thnks for understanding. willby

hi willby...i'm new to oh.  can i come to your pity party?  i'm in the pre-op diet phase (lap band 1/15/08), and am not having a good time.  your dirty little secret is not a surprise.  stress, loneliness, frustration, and disappoinment do horrible things to us.  to cope, we do what we know how to do.  so the real question isn't 'why do you do what you do?' but 'how could you be expected to do anything else?' while i'm not your therapist (but i am a licensed psychotherapist in washington state), i have one recommendation for you:  find another therapist.  yours isn't helping enough.  i'm wondering if you would do well to work with someone who is solution-focused.  instead of spending all the time on insight-oriented conversation--that you seem to have nailed--it's time spent on change. finally, be sure to spend enough time here.  not just on OH but at your pity party.  most of us move so quickly to guilt that we don't give ourselves a chance to feel the loneliness, frustration, disappointment, etc.  i'm completely serious (as we get to know each other, you'll see that i don't do sarcasm often...i think it's mostly mean). wishing you well... toni

Hi Toni,   Thanks for taking the time and effort to reply to my post. I love how you said "how could we be expected to do anything else?" ....................I feel so guilty about doing what I'm doing. And youre absolutely right about finding a therapist that is solution focused. The only weird thing is that I want to change.............but I am afraid of giving up my HA HA "coping skills" They are not working.....but they are all I have.

And I agree that sarcasm is mean...................but , damn!, I am so good at it.(sorry.....I couldnt resist) Good luck on your upcoming surgery.

willby thinsoon (what the hell was I thinking when I picked that nickname?????????)

Hey Wilby, I too, have been hiding in the closet.  I have only lost 100 lbs. and should be happy.  I am no longer in a wheelchair and I don't have to take insulin or sleep with a cpap.  But I stopped losing after the first year because I couldn't exercise and I also can eat sugar or anything else for that matter of fact, within reason. I also would like to get back in the swing of things here and am starting on a diet Tuesday.  Wish me luck and I hope coming back here helps you and me both. Deb in GA