JUST FOR A SMIRK...

HAVE A LAFF ON ME! 


http://comedy-quotes.com/ellen-degeneres/judging_a_situation.html
Ellen DeGeneres / Judging a Situation

You ever judge a situation and you're totally wrong you find out later? For instance I was in the grocery store. Last Tuesday. It was a couple of weeks ago. A few months ago. About a year ago but it happened, Okay? I was in the grocery store and this guy walks in, real good looking guy, real muscular, athletic looking, looked like he'd just finished working out, kind of stinky. And I looked at him and I thought I bet he really takes care of himself, doesn't buy any junk food at all y'know. So anyway when I was checking out he was right next to me so I just glanced in his basket real quickly and sure enough there was vegetables, bran muffins, bottled water... Halibut. So anyway I thought y'know, there you go. And then I thought I wonder if he drives some little sports car some little convertible something, he just looked like that type y'know so I followed him out into the parking lot. Sure enough, brand-new Mercedes. 77-43 and uhh... One of the good ones. I thought I wonder if he spends all of this money on his car to try to impress people and just really lives in some old shack in some horrible neighbourhood or something like, you can't tell from the car y'know. So I followed him home. Anyway beautiful neighbourhood, I barely got through the gates before the security guard was shutting them and uhh huge house, just white house, with the lawn all pretty, bushes all trimmed like barn-yard animals, you know how they do. But that was outside. You don't know inside. Could be tacky. Could be empty you can't help but wonder that. So anyway after a couple of hours I noticed that he left so I jimmied my way in. Incredible inside. The fabrics on the drapes matched the fabrics on the sofa. Everything was just right. Just beautiful taste. Clean? Not a speck of dust, not even behind the dresser. I thought this guy is just too good to be true. Good looking, takes care of himself, wealthy, calls his mother everyday. I didn't talk to her, she wasn't at home but the maid that answered the phone, Lapeta, lovely lady, she told me but anyway terrific guy right? Next thing you know the guy comes home opens the door screaming and yelling I said just a minute let me turn down the music but just continues to scream and yell "Who are you? What are you doing in my house? What are you doing with my cloths on?" Just questions questions questions. What a jerk. Boy I misjudged that guy.

http://comedy-quotes.com/sam-kinison/disciples_calling_in_sick.html
 Sam Kinison / Disciples Calling in Sick

I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus picks up] "[coughing...] Yeah listen Jesus. Yeah listen four or five of us went fishing last night and we forgot our sweaters. Yeah we're coming down with a cold or something. Yeah we're not going to be able to walk to Jerusalem with you today... What? What we're healed? But you're not here, ohh you don't have to be here you can say the word and we're healed? I didn't know that. Yeah every body is up. Yeah be good OK. We'll see you in about ten minutes alright. OK thank you, alright so long. Come on guy let go... we're healed."

http://comedy-quotes.com/eddie-izzard/death_star_canteen.html
Eddie Izzard / Death Star Canteen

But there must have been a Death Star canteen, a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill. I will have the Penne Alla Arrabiata. "You'll need a tray." Do you know who I am? "Do you know who I am?" This is not a game of Who The **** Are You? For I am Vader. Darth Vader. Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought. "You'll still need a tray." I will not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me, even though I couId kill you with a tray, if I so wished. For I wouId hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen fIoor. "No, the food is hot, you need a tray to put the food on." Oh, I see. The food is hot? Sorry, I did not realise. "Tray for the..." Yes. I thought you were challenging me to the fight to the death. "Fight to the death? This is a canteen, I work here." Yes, but I am Vader. Lord Vader. Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Darth Vader, Im Darth Vader, Sir Lord Vader, Sir Lord Darth Vader, Lord Darth Sir Lord Vader of Cheam, Sir Lord Baron von Vaderham. The Death Star, I run the Death Star. "What's the Death Star?" This is the Death Star! I run this star. "This is a star?" This is a ******g star, I run it! I'm your boss! "You're Mr Stevens?" Who is Mr Stevens? "He's Head of Catering." I am not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill Catering with a thought! "What?" I can kill you all, I can kill me, just... I'll get a tray **** it. This ones wet, and this ones wet, and this ones wet. This one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet... Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star, do we not have a tray that is dry? No, I was here first. You have to queue if you want food. Can I have Penne Alla Arrabiata? That'd be nice. No, no, no - do you know who I am? "That's Geoff Vader, that is." I am not Geoff Vader, I am Darth Vader. What, Geoff Vader? Runs the Death Star? No, I run the Death Star. You Geoff Vader? No, I'm Darth Vader. Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph? No, I'm... All right, I'm Geoff Vader. Can I have your autograph? No **** off! Or I'll kill you with a tray. Give me Penne Alla Arrabiata or die, and you, and everyone in this canteen. Death by tray it shall be.

http://littleredboat.co.uk/archives/2811

Very poor sci-fi fl

But I’ve nearly reached the end of the tube, and it doesn’t seem to be filling itself up again.
Should I take it back and complain?

Dark Matter, Antimatter and Doesn’t Matter

Sam Kinison, is hilarious...  Disciples Calling in Sick