Coming Clean 100% I AM FAT AGAIN. Embarrassed

So I was thinkng that I feel so unsafe on Facebook with anything concerning weight because everyone has some **** to say which is why I loved BAF so much and then they went and put those dam share buttons on and that went to hell, but even with that share button I still feel safer here than I do in on Facebook. Now when I say that I am not talking about the BAF group on Facebook i'm talking about my other FB account where my family and high school friends are and where I do most of my posting.

Safe or not I here to tell the truth and open up without being judged and blasted. Well in the old days there was this one person that would attack people but that person is long gone.

So here is where I come to spilling my guts. When I left for my travels on May 28 I had lost 20 pounds and was down to 178, I was so happy and felt good about myself because I hadn't been under 180 in so long and I posted it so i'm sure some of you will recall. Well I also posted how since I got home I have been eating like a pig trying to deal with being disowned by my mother and losing family members like flies.

Well since I have been back from traveling this summer I have gained 33 pounds. YES DAMIT YOU DID NOT READ IT WRONG, 33 FAT ASS, STANKY, MOIST UNDER MY BELLY FAT, CHAFE UNDER THE BOOBS POUNDS. No dam wonder my wife purchased me a dam gym membership for Christmas. Fat as ****

So here I am throwing myself on the sword and asking for internet love and encouragement. I am bloated, I am swollen, I am just fat yall. I stepped on the scale and weigh a whopping 211 pounds. JESUS PLEASE DON'T STRIKE ME DOWN FOR BEING SUCH A LOSER....... PLEASE..... Yes lord I know I promised I would not get over 200 pounds again but I am weak and I love snacks and I couldn't help it. (lol)

DAM 211 POUNDS,  I CAN QUALITY TO HAVE A GASTRIC BYPASS ALL OVER AGAIN.  

So What the hell do I do now. Well I got my fat ass up and had Greek yogurt and a pear breakfast is what I did, which is day two of the Extreme Fat Smash,I am not going to start on day one because I need to start on day two because you get more food on day two.  

Please don't judge me yall. I am over 200 but I swear you can't tell, I don't look a pound over 199.9999999.

So here I am, this is where I am and I have to do something about it NOW!!!!!
 
HELP ME :(

So sorry you are going through this. I haven't even had my surgery yet so I have no words of wisdom for you but I do think that admitting to yourself that something is wrong is a good start. I think you are going to be ok. You are doing something to get back on track which is great. I wish you the best. I am sure others will come along soon that will be able to offer you some good advice or encouragement.

Hi KBDB,  I typed that with a bit of humor in it because that is how I deal with things.   I am gonna get my fat ass in gear because if another family emergency happens and I know it's coming with my sick family, I am not going to want to go out of embarrassment.  

So i'm hitting this gym like it was a fat ***** that snatched a snickers out of my hand.   I'll beating it upppppp........

Fb almost had me this weekend as a loved one we'd lost touch with found my DD.  It seems these associations continue to led to more strife than a simple email, text, or a phone call every now and then ever could. 

You know there will be neither blasting nor coddling from me.  Especially since I rocketed from a solid normal to overweight and can't find my way back in over a year. 

For the rest of our lives we are all at serious risk of being right back where we started.  The same issues that keep some from ever meeting their goals; lead some to transfer addictions; and create new eating disorders for others are to blame for regain too.  We must work on the issues that bring us back to food. 

Working on the head games until we find a better way to deal with the stresses of life is all we can do.  Sadly, self abuse is part of our pattern and we've had decades to perfect the sickness.  Grab every resource that might benefit you and use the hell out of it.  Let go of anything even remotely non productive.  You are fighting for your life not just your weight. 

We need a safe place which is why I joined overeaters anonymous online when oh became a zoo exhibit for the observation of fat people.  There will never be a share button on oh but it is nothing like baf.  These are not my friends like my baf people.  But, it is a resource when I need it. 

I'm no OA convert but I take what I need and leave the rest. Mainly I stick to the wls email loop and wls focus group meetings.  I don't do face to face meetings because I find the folks there depressing.  Still, I grab a bit here and another bit there so I can get the suport that I need.  

You can do this as long as you don't separate the reasons for the regain from the regain itself.  To do this you may have to make this topic off limits to friends and family and not just on fb.  There is no reason why personal health issues need be open for discussion and weight is no different.  It may be time to tell some folks fkcu you and the horse you rode in on then invite them to kiss your ass regardless of its size. 

I love you Marcia,  you always know the right words to say as I lay here not wanting to go to the gym with tears running down my stupid fat face.   I want to delete this post because I think it's to much and I feel really exposed.  I'm gonna get up and go to the gym and then i'm gonna come home and alter this post because I need too.   

I am almost embarrassed to even walk out of the door most days, and then I go and see a student at the gym naked, she was naked of course.  But I ran my ass out of that shower room, and will only return to use the bathroom, I live close enough to go home and shower.  The thing is I think it shocked me because I felt oh my God what if someone saw ME naked as fat as I am.  LOL.  My fat is overwhelming me, i'm choking on it, and like Oprah phrased it many years ago, it has clogged my wings and I can't even get off the ground, forget flying. 

So there it is, the good bad and ugly me.  I'm naked i'm raw and I am what I am, a fat girl that had wls and gained almost all her weight back and is fat again.   I hate it.   This minute I literally hate myself.

I have confidence that you will pull out of this Lee.  Misery does love company but sorry to hear you are fighting weight gain too.  Don't wish that for anyone. 
Since visiting BAF you have been a source of encouragement.  Nothing has changed.  I look forward to you regaining your hold on controlling what you eat and smashing those pounds away.  Take care,
Z

I am sorry for letting you down Z.  I am going to get my ass back together and get this weight off of me AGAIN,  it is I feel like such a freaking fat failure right now or should I say when I wrote this thread this morning, but already I have made it through one full day of eating well and I'm feeling better, just hoping for a repeat of this day tomorrow.

Surgery sis I feel ur pain guess what I weigh now???? an I too cant do fb cause I told noone I had  surgery so I dont want all my friends an relative to know I went to Cleveland this weekend past to see Kem , Lee omg I felt terrible I took a picture I felt like a fat pig I gotta try to send it to u via aol wow I swore after surgery I would not get  to this weight again but the bad part about me is all I do is late night snack while in bed it's sad when u rather lay in bed an eat cookies an chips then go anywhr ys that BAD HABIT is back LORD JESUS help me an u it's sooooo HARD I tght after surgery I would dump and get sick from sugar ya right not me weight is outta control cant fight nothin need a whole new wordrobe wow we need to join forces an do weekly weighin u taxt me call me something we gotta get a grip soon

@ the bad part about me is all I do is late night snack while in bed

That statement hit home because it is me all the way.  The foods differ but the behavior is the same.  Self destructive. 

Lucky or maybe unlucky I am a calorie controlled binger.  My only weight gain is due to hormones and medications but I have the same problem with compulsive eating.  I just know how to pack it all into under 1650 calories a day.  Worse, I never ever ate in the bedroom when I was fat.  How the hell did I get worse as I lost weight? 

Hey Lynn,

I don't know what you weigh but i do know about that dam night snacking you are talking about.  You should see the dam wrappers I have in my night stand drawer, it is really pathetic. 

I am going to be visiting the board daily now and make sure that I come home and report how I am doing it is what helped me before, during , and after surgery and i'm hoping it will help me this time too. 

I was counting on the dumping keeping me thin too, but like all of us I learned how to live through the dumping and how to manipulate it and now i'm back over 200 pounds.  DAMIT. 

Lynn start coming back to the board, that is what we all need.  We need to be here for each other like we use to be in the old days.   

Keep strong Surgery Sis,  Try to make it through a day eating right tomorrow with me.  I made it through today and i'm praying that I can do it again tomorrow, so you do it with me.