http://www.humormatters.com/holidays/xmas.htm


A politically correct season's greeting: 

Holiday Best Wishes Disclaimer Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious

persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

   I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2_ _ _, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

   By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
   -This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
   -It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
   -It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

   This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher,

  YOUR NAME HERE. 
Happy Holidays!


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The traditional fruitcake: 

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

 1 C Water
 1 C Sugar
 4 Large eggs
 3 C dried fruit
 1 tsp. baking soda
 1 tsp. salt
 1 C Brown sugar
 Lemon juice, nuts
 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. 

Take out a large bowl. 

Check  the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. 

Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat. 

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl. 

Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. 

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. 

Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer. 

Break two geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 

Mix on the burner.

If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, 
pry it loose with a screwdriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for toxisisticity. 

Next, sift 2 cups of salt.

Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. 

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. 

Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find. 

Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. 

Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???


An old favorite Christmas tale: 

Santa's Bad Day
The Birth of a Tradition

 

 

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of  little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it  a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Dang Mar,

You have this board lit up like a Christmas tree with all of your posts . Glad to see you are still hanging out on BAF. I figured that I better get my hard headed behind back on the board. This is my first time logging on in a while...which is definitely not a good thing. I figured I would make it a goal to log on daily to start. One small step and success to build on. I missed you all. This post is great. Gave me a much needed chuckle. All is well with me and the family. I hope the same is true for you.   

I'm hanging in and hanging on girlfriend!  Glad you and youe ladies are well. 

You know you need to get back here ans post something damnit.   Folks get tired of seeing my Chrstmas tree!     

Oh for the good old days...  

I'm passing your way twice this month.  If the timing works maby we can do a quick lunch. 

Let me know when you will be here, I am off the Dec 23rd-Jan 3 and plan to stay close to home.  Lunch will definitely be doable. I am even going to put my self-consciousness about my gain in my back pocket because I would love to see you. 

This is a fight for life.  Our ups and downs are literal. 

I'm fighting some extra poundage too but its pounds lost after we were in atl so it looks like its all good.        I should've just lied and said that I've been maintaining.       

Your schedule works with mine. I expect to be your way on the 28th or 29th.  I'll text you when I know more.  Can't wait to see you again.  Its been too long. 

Best recipe ever.  I can handle the whiskey testing and throwing the cake mixture out.  Dried fruit has too many carbs anyway. 

You got that right!     Besides, protein helps you hold your liquor and we all need that extra protein.