Making Nice - I Swear its Ok to Look

  Or, is it not nice to swear.   

Oh well, perhaps I'll get it right but just not today.   

You need:

• 1 Large Roast Beef
• 1 Small Roast Beef

Put both roasts in the oven.

When the little one burns, the big one is done.

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An elderly woman recently died. She had never married. In her written instructions for her service she said that she was not to have any male pallbearers. She wrote: "They wouldn't take me out when I was alive. I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

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The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

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It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

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I went to school to become a wit, but I only got halfway through.

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I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

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It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

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When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

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A farmer sent his son to the market to buy a crate of chickens. The boy did and was returning home when he dropped the crate and it broke open, letting all the chickens escape.

They scurried off in all directions. The boy was upset, knowing his father would be angry. He fixed the crate as best as he could and searching the neighborhood until he found them all. When he returned home, he told his father that the chickens had gotten loose, but he managed to find all eight of them.

"Well, you did a good job," said his father. The boy was surprised. His father continued, "The receipt says you paid for six."

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A lady lost her purse one day while shopping at a busy department store. Fortunately, it was found by an honest little boy *****turned it to her.

"Thank you," she said and looked inside it. "Hmmm," she said. "That's funny. When I lost it, there was a twenty dollar bill in it. Now there's twenty one dollar bills."

"That's right, lady," said the cleaver little boy. "Last time I returned a lost purse, the lady said she didn't have any change to give me a reward."

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