A little... No, a LOT... No, TOO MUCH coffee humor

Ok, I just could not help myself. 

1. You answer the door before people knock.
2. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
3. The only kitchen appliances you own are made by Mr. Coffee.
4. You ski uphill.
5. You get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.
6. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
7. You speed walk in your sleep.
8. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
9. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
10. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
11. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
12. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
13. You sleep with your eyes open.
14. When you open your dish cabinet, and there is only mugs.
15. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
16. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
17. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
18. You lick your coffeepot clean.
19. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
20. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
21. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
22. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
23. Your coffee cake, must have coffee in it.
24. You chew on other people's fingernails.
25. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
26. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
27. You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
28. The only gift you get for Valentines Day you get chocolate covered beans.
29. You can jump-start your car without cables.
30. All your kids are named "Joe".
31. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
32. You don't sweat, you percolate.
33. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
34. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
35. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
36. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
37. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
38. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
39. Every shirt or blouse you own has a coffee stain on it.
40. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
41. People get dizzy jus****ching you.
42. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
43. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
44. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
45. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio and people test their batteries in your ears.
46. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
47. Instant coffee takes too long.
48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
52. Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
53. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
54. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
55. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
56. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
57. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
58. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
62. You can jump to the moon.
63. You short out motion detectors.
64. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
65. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
66. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
67. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
68. You don't tan, you roast.
69. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
70. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
71. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
72. You can't even remember your second cup.
73. You help your dog chase its tail.
74. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
75. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
76. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
77. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
78. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Spouse #2: That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning. 

What do you call a cow who's just given birth? De-calf-inated! 

"I want you to drink a cup of ho****er every morning," prescribed the doctor. "You gotta be kidding, doc," I've been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee". 

I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don't you quit drinking coffee. He said, "because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all." 

Why do the Lakers have to drink their coffee black? No KAREEM any more... :) 

This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: "How much is the coffee?" "Coffee is three dollars the waitress said". "How much is a refill?" the man asked. "Free"!!!!! said the waitress. "Then I'll take a refill"!!!!!. 

Two woman are fighting in the supermarket. One quickly get the Folgers coffee, and dumps down the other woman's shirt. The lady asks why did she did that? Her response was, "There's nothin' more better than waking up with Folgers in your cup." 

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns." He said "I'm gonna help you, Dear. I'll get you some aspirins for the headache, I'll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you'll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning!" 

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea? Waiter: What does it taste like? Customer: It tastes like gasoline! Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine. 

What's fat and drinks a lot of coffee? ----------Java the Hut 

I have heard that if your wife/husband makes bad coffee, that is grounds for divorce. 

Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. 

Spouse #2: That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning. 

While traveling through Antigo, Wis. our family stopped in a local restaurant for a brief respite while driving. My father ordered 2 cups of coffee for he and my mother. My mother after tasting the coffee looked at my father and they each grimaced at each other. Looking around, my father noticed a sign above the back corner which said, "Don't knock our coffee, you may be old and weak yourself sometime."  

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning....... I reply----No, I just bring her some coffee !!! 

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye," the psychiatrist said, "well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"  

I'm sure all coffee beans are juvenile. They're always getting grounded! 

Why Coffee Is Better Than Men 

A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. You can always warm coffee up. Coffee comes with endless refills. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. You can make coffee as sweet as you want. Coffee smells and tastes good. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back. They have coffee at police stations. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup. INSTANT COFFEE!