Yoo Hoo....#1 Mack Mama... I Need Kitchen Help

I know that I've read on here that you make a moist, banging turkey that never fails. I have a frozen turkey that I would like for New Years but I've never cooked one, who am I kidding, I've never cooked a chicken.   I don't know how to cook except for casseroles and crockpot stuff and I start gagging if I have to touch raw meat. That's embarrassing but true, my hubby didn't marry me for my culinary skills. lol  I've managed to get by with gloves on some things and he just cooks the others or we just eat some messed up stuff or fast food. Sad but true. This new year I want to do better because I'm so ashamed that I know nothing about this and never bothered to learn. Please share your secret with me and remember you're talking to a cooking dummy.

Hey lady!!!

Ok - umm - yo - you cannot call me to the square like that and have in the first sentence about me making something moist and banging.......- you jacked my head smooth UP!!!!   Thought someone told you my bidness and shyt...... hehehehhehe

I have the recipe on my home computer - I will post it tonight when I hit the crib........

I thought I book marked this in the past but I could not find it when I needed it. This time I will book mark it & print it out to put in my martha stewart recipe box :)

 hit me with your email addy on the BL and I will send you the Word doc for it - better formatting and all :-)

Get that head out of the gutter.   I just need a moist and bangin turkey. lol

 hehehhehe - now that you mention it, I could use a moist and bangin 'turkey' my dayum self......

  ok, alright - I put cha dayum recipe in the thread..... enjoy!!!! hahahahhahahhaha

 Brown Bag Turkey

By request - I am posting my recipe for cooking a turkey in a brown paper grocery sack.  Have used this method since I was 13 - won't EVA use nuffin else!!!  Comes out perfect EVERY time!!!

You will need:
1 Turkey - for me - the bigger the better, but at least 10 lbs - not over 20 tho.....
1 brown paper grocery sack big enough to hold the turkey and fold shut at the ends (you will want to find a bag with very little to no ink writing on it - try the liquor discount stores - ummm, 'somebody' tole me they usually have em) if you can't find one without any writing, get one with as little as possible
- seasonings for the turkey
- one can shortening
- one onion, one orange (optional)
- 1 roasting pan with a rack
- turkey lifter string (optional)

Preheat the oven to 325.  move the racks to the lowest position in the oven. 

To prepare the bird, remove the giblets (somme yall need to be told this! lol) and season the bird to your taste.  Cut the onion in quarters and place in the cavity of the bird, you can do the same with the orange - this is just for flavor, you must remove these when the bird is done.  If you are using a turkey lifter string - put it on the bird.

To prepare the grocery sack, use a small sandwich bag to protect your hands and grease all four sides and bottom of the sack with the shortening (NOT OIL! Get that tub of white grease you KNOW been in yo cabinet for the last 15 years! lol).  Be generous - the oil will keep the bird from sticking to the bag. 

Slide the turkey into the bag, all the way to the back. **note: if you have a bag with writing on it - make sure the writing is on the TOP side of the bird, not under it**  Close the opening of the bag by folding the edges end over end at least one time and STAPLE the bag shut.  Put the bird in the oven on the lowest rack, be sure the bag is not touching any of the oven's heating elements.

Timing preferences vary on this - but my 20 yrs experience lead me to suggest the following:
10-15lb bird - 10-12min per lb
20+ bird - 13-14 min per lb

**important note** NO PEEKING!!!!!  under NO cir****tances are you allowed to open that bag and look at the bird till the time is UP!!!!  You will be tempted - just be patient and wait - perfection will be your reward for self restraint. 

Once done - remove the bird and the rack it's on from the oven, use a fork or knife to poke holes in the bottom of the bag to allow the juices to run into the pan underneath and then cut open the top of the bag to reveal your bird!

aiight - that's it!! Enjoy!!!

Oooh sounds so good.  Can this be done in an electric oven or will I be starting a fire? 

Love to try it but I have too few folks around for a turkey any time soon.  I'm figuring I can try this with a chicken or cornish hens.  Could I work it with duck or goose given their high fat content?  

 Chicken - prolly.  Never cooked a duck or goose ever in  my life, so I can't say nuffin bout dat...... LOL!!!

A small 10lb turkey ain't that much - by the time you take it apart, not too much to it, you can freeze half for soup or whatever.  

Thanks!      Bookmarked for a large chicken.  Now to the liquor store for a big brown bag.