OT: Have you adjustedd your standards

 

The following is a genuine request for information and not simply some shyt I pulled out the orifice of my choosing.

Last night I went to visit a friend of mine I haven't seen in 5 years.  She is here on business so you know a sistah couldn't pass up a free opportunity to visit old friends. *digression in progress* Anyway, while we were waiting for additional friends of hers to come we had a conversation about where we are in life and what the past few years have taught us.  They were strikingly similar given we have very divergent pasts.

Where we are: Over 35 with a looming 40th birthday on the horizon (thankfully mine is further than hers ), professional with the very real future of growing and progressing in our respective careers. We are both on our second homes and living alone (although she may have a dog, I am still unclear if she was referring to a 4 legged animal or an ex-boyfriend ). And we both know at least 20 women just like us and most of them are where we are and feel similarly with respect to the future.

The crux of the matter: With all that going on, we still don't have what we want most which is a family of our, i.e. hubby and rug rats. It's one thing to say that there aren't any good men out there and that our time has past but that isn't true. She and I both know good men but for whatever reason we are friends or acquaintances to them. So that argument doesn't work (we came to that conclusion last night).

The real question: We also admitted that we have changed our criteria in mates in the recent years (some of mine with disastrous results queue ex-deadbeat I mean ex-boyfriend). So my question is for those 35 and above mainly; if you are single, have you changed the standards by which you judge a potential mate? If you married, shacked up or are currently in a committed relationship - did you change anything about your judgment parameters?  If not (this is to all), are you willing to adjust them, why or why not?

Note: I did not ask if you changed. With every passing minute we are affected by life; we all change maybe not our core values or beliefs but every situation is approached separately and as such, we change.

Can you tell I am ready for the end of the year???

 Damn - I leave work for 2.5 hrs and without me to bug on email, THIS is what you resort to??? LOL!

Answer (and KMA on over 35 - I'm close enough) - YES - my standards HAVE changed.  When I was young and ain't have shyt - I was okay with a ninja that ain't have shyt - but now - at 34 with house, car, career, single parent and doing it and body that I will SLAP A BYTCH OVER cause I paid more than my CAR for it........ brother better bring his own chips to the blackjack table.......

another thing - lifestyle.  I used to be okay with a ninja that didn't have any culture and didn't really do shyt.  Now - ummm - if you can't name at least three other US states you have traveled to - we prolly ain't speaking that long.  Don't work out regularly?  GOTTA GO.  Can't tell me at least ONE Shakespeare play that you dig? GOTTA GO.  If I say Creed, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bon Jovi, White Snake - and you think I'm quote brands of liquor.... GOTTA GO.  Do you have a record that includes ANYTHING other than a traffic ticket?  GOTTA GO.  If you do have traffic tickets - have you been lazy enough to let them lapse into a warrant?  GOTTA GO.  How many kids you got? over 2 and aged under 8 - GOTTA GO. If you have 2 - do you have 2 baby mamas?  EITHER one of them bytches crazy?  GOTTA GO. 

*breaks trance mid rant, looks around nervously*  Ummm - heehehehe.  My bad.  Umm - so yea - the question....... HELL YES my standards have changed and my willingness to deal with ANY violation or acknowledgement of attributes that are counter to my expectations is SLIM TO NIL. 

Dats what yo a$$ get for leaving the table

Next to the board!

I have to ditto #1MM. You gotta bring something to the table, and if you can't I'm more willing now than in the past to remain single.

And let me add: A J.O.B. with bennies and a 401k plan/IRA/retirement savings is a must. No more ninjas working a hustle.

My expectations in a man are different as I age.  I was married young and for a long time.  I'm enjoying my freedom and nothing short of near perfection will be acceptable in a man.

I believe there are good men out there who want good women.  Given where I am in life I have raised the bar.  I expect a man to have at least what I have accomplished.  Love alone is not enough.  Call me a gold digger? I'm fine with that. 

Long term I expect what's his is for his children's future just as what's mine is for my offspring.  However, I demand financial security in our daily lives.  I also insist a man demonstrate the ability to maintain healthy relationships over time.  If he can't cultivate positive relationships with family and friends how can we ever work? 

One advantage of the over 45 set is you know exactly who he is.  If he's not already there he'd better have a clearly visible plan in progress or you know he's bull****ting you.   Goals and ambitions are great but I don't do dreamers. 

Goals and ambitions are great but I don't do dreamers. 

OMG!!!!!!!!!!

That says it all right there. I wish you had been around for me 4 yrs ago. That sentence would have saved so much time, energy, emotion and basic sanity for me.  Better late than never.

Question for you: would you say your standards have tightened because of your past experience or have they broadened?

Hello..

I adjusted my standards, I've only dated drop dead gorgeous men all my life,  I was married to two of them, but that lead to a WHOLE lot of unhappiness, not saying good looking men are no good it's just my experience.

After dating a whole lot of men, I found someone that loved me unconditionally, I've never dated a big guy before or white guy, but he had all other qualities that I was seeking, he talks so eloquently and so smart...even tho he has a tattoo that I did not like, everything else is on point, he covers it when we go to dinner or company events like he does for his job, so I comprised on that, and we can always work on imperfections, he is a geek, and I am slowly changing that and teaching him how to dress and get a little bit of swagg...I am not perfect either.

Now that we are getting married he has decided to get the lap band and lose about 70 pounds, so sometimes you can have a diamond in the rough if you give that person a chance, and black women NEED to keep their options open to date outside their race or culture, it's well known that there is a shortage of available marriage black men, it took me 3 years to realize that.

I thought something was wrong with me when I was dating, I felt that gee, every guy that I dated only wanted to kick it, and not make any commitments and settle down, so I started opening those emails from Match.com from those white guys that approached me and gave it a shot and I have never been more Happy in my life, I feel like I am treated like a queen. Good luck

Nana, I'm not trying to put words in your mouth; just trying to understand as I am here to grow and learn. So are you saying that your standards before were the problem and that you attracted the men because of those standards?  Would you say that you were a little superficial (again not throwing rocks b/c I did that exact thing where I needed someone good-looking) and now you are willing to explore a deeper side of both yourself and the man?  How do you think your weight loss contributed to that shift...if at all?

Sorry for all the questions but honestly ladies this is a topic I hadn't given much thought to before Tuesday and I think I need to understand it to move forward.

Thx

Superficial? Probably, the older I got the more I adjusted my standards on what I am looking for in love and happiness. My standards at 20, 30 and 40 are different, at 20 I did not care if a man treated me like a queen, I was seeking a good looking guy that could satisfy me sexually and have fun, and he had to have a hot body and cute face tall, etc. At 30 that started to change, I seeked a man with looks and a great job and stability at 40 that changed, I was looking for someone to travel with and live my life to the fullest it was not all about looks and I think I have found that.
 
Although I find my fiancee cute, I was not excited about his middle section, he had all the other qualities that I liked so we are working on his middle section with him getting a lap band to take care of that weight for his health too. Again the average man over 40 has a little gut anyway, I've turned down other guys both black and white and a lot thinner, but my fiancee has this quality that draws me in, his is just so romantic and I like that he is 6'3, I love tall men and he makes me feel like a women with little gifts and poems all the time to make me feel special and wanted and oh his voice, he has the sexiest voice of a man I've every dated, so sometimes a guy does not have to have a six pack to turn you on.

Regarding my weight loss, you know my weight has been up and down for the last 20 years, I've never been morbidly obese for long periods of time, interestedly enough my weight has never affected me from getting men, but again, I don't know, when I gained up to a size 26 I was actually married and NOT OUT THERE in the dating scene...so I don't know about that, all the times that I was obese I was actually married, when I was younger I was always thinner so from that respect being slim made me be a bit more choosier. But after my last divorce and weight loss surgery, I was probably more selective this time around, again, I was seeking a good man with good values.