Warning: Controversy Topic - The Black Church Keeps Black Women Single and Lonely
on 7/19/10 1:27 am, edited 7/19/10 1:29 am - ~Somewhere in~, PA
Good morning!
The radio station where I live recently did a people poll on this topic and it had MANY angry women/men calling in, and it also hit home with me too.
I can honestly say whenever I went to church it was to worship and NOT seek a man….I was raised in the South in the bible belt and I use to go the Church every Sunday, but me nor my friends never looked for a husband while attending, most of the men that frequented the church were older and deacons, at least at my church..lol. we always went to church to worship, but since I've relocated to the DC area, I don't go as often as I should.
What’s your perspective on this article?
http://www.washingtoninformer.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=3955:the-black-church-keeps-black-women-single-and-lonely&catid=59:archive&Itemid=121
In my book "Financial Lovemaking 101," one of the topics of discussion is the economic benefit of marriage. Although I am not one to judge whether someone should get married or stay single, it can certainly be argued that children and adults are usually economically better off in a two-parent home than one with a single parent.
The logic is quite simple: When two people are earning money for the family, the family unit (on average) has more money available. Beyond that, you can share responsibilities and make sure that the economic benefits of the family are not traded off for social and nurturing benefits. I can't tell you how many kids I've heard say, "My mother couldn't spend time with us because she was out working two jobs."
Now, with that said, Deborah Cooper, an advice columnist on dating-related issues, came up with the interesting premise that the black church is a large part of the reason that some black women are single and lonely. Without endorsing or rejecting the article off-hand, I applauded Deborah's bravery in writing a piece like this, largely because speaking against the black church will get you stabbed by some black folks.
With my father being a Southern Baptist minister, I learned long ago that it's never productive to question the commitment that African Americans have to their church. I don't agree with everything that Deborah says, but her points should certainly be heard.
With that said, I'll simply lay out some of what Deborah says about dating, black women and how the black church allegedly keeps black women single and lonely:
She starts by citing a PEW study which found that 80 percent of black Americans report that religion is "very important" in their lives, compared with 57 percent of the general population. She also said that 57 percent of black Americans "interpret scripture literally," compared with just 32 percent of the general population. She goes on to say that men are significantly less likely to consider religion to be important in their lives, meaning that they aren't going to be in the churches that black women are attending every Sunday.
I could see Cooper's point that if men aren't going to church, then it's more difficult to find a good man in the church. The problem with her analysis is that she makes the additional leap in logic to argue that going to church is not going to make a woman interesting or attractive to men. I don't agree with that assessment.
Perhaps what one could say is that if you are ultimately and entirely insistent upon only dating men who go to church regularly, then you might be limiting your dating options. I don't attend church every Sunday, and I've had women reject me based on that premise alone. Not that this ever bothered me (it's not hard to find someone to date if you're a black man with a job), but I found it ironic that some women will choose a deceptive man who goes to church over a good man who does not. We all know that going to church does not necessarily make you an ethical person or a good husband.
One borderline funny (and some would say accurate) part of Cooper's article is when she lays out the categories of men that black women are likely to find in the church. According to Cooper, most black men in church fall in the following groups:
1) A loser working a 12-step program: She describes these men as weak, confused and looking for structure in their lives; hardly marriage material for anyone.
2) Openly or in the closet gay men.
3) Opportunistic players on the prowl: She says that these men take advantage of all the horny, single women in the church. Since sex among singles is a sin, he fully expects that the women will keep their transgressions quiet.
4) Elderly reformed players: According to Cooper, these men are looking for their nursemaid and bed warmer. They are seeking someone who can "take care of their broken down asses before they die."
I admit that I find Cooper's article to be hilarious. Also, there are some points of truth to her piece. I also believe that Cooper's article is built on a deeper resentment of both the black church and black men. Her writing appears to come from a place of pain and frustration, perhaps through her own dating experiences or that of her friends. But we must also confess that her article comes from a place of courage, since many women think the same thoughts as Cooper, but don't speak on them out of fear of the repercussions.
Here is what I take away from the article about black women, the black church and dating:
1) The spirit of God and goodness is something that isn't just found in a church. It is ultimately found in your heart. You can't judge books by their cover.
2) When God sends you true love, he may not send it to you in the package or location that you feel to be most appropriate. If you are not prepared to receive the love in that package, then you are going to miss it completely.
3) If your current dating strategy isn't working, you might want to try something else.
The article is a good one -- I suggest you take a read.
Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the Your Black World Coalition and a Scholarship in Action Resident of the Institute for Black Public Policy.
Simply calling this an ‘interesting’ topic would be an understatement! LOL
I can somewhat agree with the premise – however – I really don’t think there’s enough involvement in church these days to make this theory a weighty and valid reason for the rate of ‘singleness’ in the Black female community.
I do think there are a lot of ‘fake’ Christians running around and while they SAY they are looking for a ‘godly’ man, they are willing to do some pretty UN-godly things to nab one. Once they do, a whole lot of things go out of the door…..
I also disagree with the whole ‘find a man in church’ premise. As the article says, God will give you your mate anywhere, at any time – you have to have your eyes and heart open to see that and respond. Also – if God is only in church and you are only there one hour a week – wouldn’t you be better served to find your mate in the place (s) you spend the majority of your time anyway???
I’m just sayin…..
on 7/19/10 2:09 am - ~Somewhere in~, PA
Thanks for your take on this Mack, but I have to honestly say, I've never seen any good looking guys in Church anyway that I was attracted too, but again I am sure there are many I just did not run across when I was attending. You are absolutely correct about FAKE Christians, I've seen people that do every sin under the sun and be the first one in Church every Sunday morning.
I agree with you too! Black women nowadays are getting smart and exploring their options to find happiness where happiness find them.
If for no other reason but mutual alibis...... let the couple so stayeth together......
That being said, I don't believe the Black Church keeps women single and lonley. I believe women make a choice to use the Black Church and their preachers as the reason they have not found happiness with a man. Place it in God's hands is used in all areas of life to mean sit back and do nothing.
I am a firm believer that God guides us through the cir****tances we face and the people we meet. I don't agree with the 'preaching' I've heard on relationships. Black women can look around them and see if what is preached adds value to their lives or holds them back. This is true in any area of life.
In life we do what works. If it is not produtive, we let it go and find what works for us. Finding a man is no different. Being guided by faith is no different. God is not guiding you to stagnancy. If your preacher has you stagnating, that is your submission to the preachers will not God's will. God's guidance moves you forward, guides your personal growth, expands you spiritually. We don't always get exactly what we want in life but God has always given me what I need.
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