Out of lurk mode for now.. Need advice....

Hey BAF,
Yes, I'm out of lurk mode for this one..  I may already know the answer to my issue, but want to know others opinion on this situation. May be a long one..

My youngest daughter (8yrs old) that I had from previous relationship has not seen her dad in over 3 years-although we live in the same town.  Mr. hasn't made any effort to support (no he doesnt pay child support-although there's an order) nor see the kids(we have a son and daughter together) nor call them. I've called his mom's house (he lives with his momma), and left tons of messages, left my phone number(s), allowed my daughter to call (because inspite of everything she still loves her dad), he knows where i work (he's been there a few times and i've ran into him there and gave him my  number again), but again, no effort has been put in to see the kids or return any calls.

However today, Im at work in my office and guess who calls my cell phone? Mr. Baby Daddy!! He tells me it's urgent. So, I'm thinking someone must've died.. This NEGRO calls to tell me that he's moving to Atlanta and wants to talk and see the kids for the last time!! So at this point, I'm boiling because in the past 3 years-there hasnt been any contact unless I made it or allowed my daughter too.. And during those conversations with my daughter-he's made empty promises which I ended up fulfilling.. And now he wants to drop a bombshell on my kids.

I'm pissed and stuck at the same time because I've never talked bad about their dad to my kids(b/c I still have that motto that they will learn as they get older). But he stepped on a bad nerve with this one. I want them to see him, but i dont want them to know that he's leaving because my daughter is very sensitive and already feel neglected-but again her dad is an angel to her.  I don't want their hopes to get high thinking he will start being arounnd them with me knowing that it will not be-However, on the other hand,  I don't want him to see them cause they havent saw him in years.Only talked to him on the phone. And his excuse for no effort is that -he doesnt have a car and I will be the one-again picking up the pieces and residue that he will leave my kids in.

Please help me on this one.. I'm the no drama type of baby momma- but this, I'm not taking lightly at all..

I am praying for your comfort...I can only imagine how you feel right now. My heart is bleeding for you because I know how kids...especially little girls look up to their dads.  If it were me, I would sit my kids down and explain to them that their dads is leaving the area. I would tell them that its alright to be sad. Give them a chance to express their feelings on paper or in painting if need be...you can do that with them too. Most of all....let the children know that their world will not turned upside down because Dad is no longer in the area. That they still have you and they know that you will always take care of them.  I would have the kids paint farewell pictures to the dad....arrange for him to see them in your presence.  They will already be prepared and your preping them before hand will lighten the blow. NOW....I do need to say that the only reason that I would let the kids see him (in your case) is because your children seems as if they have already bonded with him in some way....some how. For...me and if it had not been for that fact.....I would say.....FU** that ninga! and call the county the next day...just so they know to pick up the child support  case in ATL ..  I personally don't like child support agreements....the ningas should voluntarily take care of their own children or make an effort BUT if they won't unfortunately giving them to da man is the only option in most cases. 

ETA: Stay strong for the kids....don't let him know that its impacting you in any way....possible that he might be doing it in this way as an attempt to get back at you ....passive aggression.

Thanks MD..
Your suggestions sounds like one I may do although my emotions and feelings is telling me to hell with this negro too.. But I've been open all this time about him being involved in their lives once he got his himself together and is serious about staying involved with them.. Unfortunately, the time hasnt came yet.  So, yes, my heart is seriously hurting for my daughter. But I have to make sure that I am coo and not pissed when i do talk to her about him.  And I pray also that she dont take it as hard when i do tell her. That's my main worry.. As as far as him leaving to ATL, hell, I wish he would've done that a long time ago when he was feeling the need to beat the crap out of me in front of them when they were younger (but that's another story)..

However, hubby has been wanting to adopt my children because of the inconsistency of kids daddy not being in their lives.  After talking to him about this, he is more wanting to do that asap. However, as we already know, it will not fill in the void of the real "dad".

But yes, just keep me and mines in your prayers!! 

Girl.
I done already hit you on the BL at work.
I will say this...your DH is a good hubby and daddy, he should go ahead and adopt them, but you DO realize ole dude will have to relinquish his rights before he will do that. Do you think he will? R is more of a "DAD" to them then their flesh and bone daddy.
Make HIM tell them he is moving, hell.

Valena,
I don't think he will-just to be a thorn in my flesh.. Hell, he shouldnt have a problem relinqushing because he hasnt put nothing in to let go of something.  I can't miss out on something he was never doing in the first place. I wish him good luck, but that is what I will be asking for before he leave and he can keepa stepping...

I have to agree with the last poster...make him tell them he is moving.  I have had something similar.  My son't father last saw my son when he was 3yrs old.  He has never paid anything, not even a hair cut and my son is now 18yrs.  I knew he wanted nothing to do with my son so I never forced the issue even though my son had challenges growing up without a father.

Last summer my son begged me to find the daddy so I did! Just like I thought, the man wants nothing to do with my son (his oldest child).  He has three other younger sons with his wife and claims them.  He has a daughter by someone else who should be 17yrs and he denies her also.

This hurt my son tremendously, especially when he told him, I am not your father, leave me alone or I will call the police and say you are harassing me!  (wtf)  My son looks exactly like him.

Anyway, my point is, either don't let them see him and tell them the truth or let them see him, and while you are there, tell him to tell your children that he is moving.  Put that burden on him, then step back and make him explain it to them...

You are always going to be picking up the balls he drops but, if your children hear it from him instead of you, they will eventually see him for what he is.

My son heard it from him, and it made he and I closer.  He is healing from that rejection, but his life has improved and he can move forward...he knows the truth from the jackass' own mouth.

I will keep you in prayer,,,hard situation.

Valerie.

I am so happy and am full of pride to be able to provide for my children. It is unfortunate that some men lack this. I have a 6 year old whom hasnt seen her father in 2 years. He calls perhaps once a year, and asks me to bring her by but I refuse to do so. I figure if he really wanted to be a good parent, he would be employed and make an effort to atleast pay something in child support, even if its $10 a week. Show some stability and desire to want to be a good dad. He was bouncing back and forth from Cali, to florida to Jerz, and I decided that a man does more damage emotionally to a child when they are in and out of their lives vs justbeing absent.Not to mention that   they leave them with empty promises or stand them up and we are there to clean up their mess. I think that little girls are affected by this the most and carry these issues with them into their relationships with men when they get older. They have abandonement issues, or look for love in men, because they lacked this from their father. And at times they settle for the firs tman to talk the sweetest thing to them, because of this.  I personally would say, screw him... Last time, what??? U don't plan on seeing your kids ever. Dude the last time will be when they put u 6 feet under, until then, NOT!!!

I would tell yourlittle girl that her father is trying to get his life in order and that right now, he just needs to get things right. that doesnt mean he doesnt love her, because he does, but he wants to be a good dad and needs to do this in order to be better. Atleast that sounds better than, he is moving and gone forever...

I would also build her self esteem up to the highest. So like this, when she becomes a woman, she will not be insecure or compromise herself because she wants a man to love her...

this is just my opinion. I wish you all the best..

This might sound a little bit cold, but if your children are stable and happy the way things are now, and you truly believe that this contact from their biological father is only going to hurt them, pretend you didn't get that phone call. 

His wants don't matter.  He won't be the one who has to dry the tears after he lets them down again.  If he decides to grow a pair and be a real father to his children, then that's a different story.  Even though financial support is important, it's not so much about the child support money as it is about being a consistent presence in the lives of his children.  I'll bet he finds transportation to anywhere else he wants to go.  He's just trifling.

I believe that people can change.  Maybe someday he will.  for the sake of your children, I hope so.

So Blessed,
You know what's so funny...That's the road I was going to take-act like he never called and move on.

However, I did let my daughter call him Saturday-he didnt return her call. I had her to call Sunday(cause she asked) and he finally talked to her just for a short hot second.. Told her he would like to see her before he leaves (BTW- he was suppose to left YESTERDAY) and that he would call her back.  And guess what--THIS MOFO DID NOT..

So, I did what i was suppose to do.. I'm not with the whole BS. No loss here.

  I’m so sorry he did this to your baby.    A previous poster wrote something about nurturing your daughter’s self esteem and I agree whole heartedly.  Her biological father is setting her up to be needy and willing to tolerate being mistreated in relationships.  You can help protect her from this fate. Make sure she knows that his irresponsible behavior is not a reflection on her worth. Give her permission to love him so she won’t feel conflicted about it, but she needs to understand that some grownups don’t have the skills to be good parents.  Your husband sounds like a good man and hopefully he can help to fill this void so that your daughter won’t grow up and seek that masculine attention in the wrong places.  

How is your son handling all this?