OT: How do you handle grief?

 Figured this might be interesting.  I post this because a friend of mine - former coworker - is having a second bout of stomach cancer and is in the hospital.  He had stage 4 years ago and came back from what most docs thought was certain death, but this time...... he's determined to fight it - I pray he does kick it - but I am also real. 

My homie and I went to see him Friday - and he was HILARIOUS - this is my 'bigger than life' friend who I can turn on the 'Mack volume' to super high and wild out with.  If you think *I* am a stone cold fool - THIS mofo takes the cake smooth outta my hand!!!!  He's Hispanic (important note for the funnies I'm about to relay), his boyfriend is Black -  and will make a comment at the DROP of a hat!  He had me ROLLING at the fact there's a 'no cell phones' and a 'see the nurse before entering' sign on his door - me and homie thought it had something to do with his condition..... NOT.

regarding the 'no cell phones' - "Chile, you know these Mexicans got these phones they can play all kinds of crazy shyt on - I don't wanna hear all that mariachi bullsyt - mofo phone need to just ring!"

regarding the nurse referral - "You know I got the Mexican family with 50 million mofos.  I got a cousin who has 4 kids - them mofos is so bad, you gotta multiply them lil bastids by 5 cause they bad as hell - get on my LAST damn nerve - so I have them go to the nurse and I tell the nurse to tell them I just had a procedure and I'll call em later.  Shyt..... I don't want them lil bastids making all that noise and running around here with no sense!"

....... then there was the phone call from the BF - he told him he would call him back in 30 min.... hung up and said 'you know it's gon be longer than 30min, right?  He's Black, he'll understand...'

  OMG!!!!  my homie is SOOOOO off the chain!!!!!!  that's how we get down!!!!!!!  I told him he couldn't die cause I'd feel gulity.....why? he asked.  I told him how I HATED him when we first met (he was the trainer in my class at work - we ain't get along) and I wished some pretty hateful shyt..... told him Jesus must be slow on the request line, but I put in my 'take backs' - he just gotta hold on till they go through...... LMAOOOOOO he told me I wasn't the FIRST mofo to tell him that!!!!!! 

Ok - so now the point of my post - how do you deal with grief and losing folk?  I have thought it over and I'm at peace with the people in my life - I hate to lose them, but if they go, I know the grace and blessing they have been and I know that I have been the best I can be for them.  If it is to be - it is to be.  My homie started going in on a big 'have faith' discussion with him - he cut her off - he said if we prayed for him - just pray for blind faith.  That's deep for real to me.  I hope to see him another time or two - but there was a silent agreement between us, a respect for each other that settled things - if we see each other again, so be it, if not - so be it.   

Total avoidance. 

I am expert at diversion and repression.  This is followed by the creation of a moderate clusterfkcu requiering my full attention.  I've got decades of unresolved grief. 

Hmmm, time to create another clustefkcu.  **** starting to surface... 

It depends....

When my grandmother died suddenly, I was devastated. Probably because of guilt...I didn't call enough or visit enough.

When my great-grandmother (GM's mother) passed, I didn't shed a tear. I was determined to "be right" and call her and visit as often as I could. She was 106yo and she was at peace.

When my best friend died, I took it hard. I would sometimes ignore her numerous calls because she mostly called to complain about her husband. I didn't want to hear about that shiot. Shortly before she died, I visited her in the hospital and she had a trach. I was unable to hear her beautiful voice and I knew she was going to die.

Those three deaths taught me to value the ones that I love and care for. I treat every day like it's my last. I learned to love and hug HARD so that I may never feel that guilt again.

So after my husband died I was truly at peace. He knew that I loved him and we lived life to the fullest.

Mack, I will keep you and your friend in my prayers. Think about his jokes and how he has touched your life. Concentrate on the hellos and not on the goodbyes. God will never give you more than you can bear.

Oh wait...I'll share one more thing. I was HEAVILY MEDICATED when my hubby died so that probably attributed to my mellowness. But I still held on to my weird (and morbid) sense of humor to let folks know that my mind was okay:

My DRUNK cousin: Wonka, I'ma so sowwee that I didn't make it to de foonera'.
Wonka: It's okay.
MDC: I sayz I'ma so sowwee that I didn't make it to de foonera'.
Wonka: It's okay.
MDC: Gurl, doncha hear me? I sayz I'ma so sowwee that I didn't make it to de foonera'.
Wonka: It's okay...really. I'm sure he understands...it's not like he's going to make it to yours.

That is all.

LMAO! that last part is hilarious - some folk are so slow!!!!

I feel about my granddad like you and your grandma - he didn't go suddenly, but he had dementia - I always feel that i didn't say what I should have when he was still 'in there' to hear me.

I guess it just depends on who it is. I wouldn't want them to suffer in all. I would be at PEACE knowing that they are not left here to suffer day in and day out. For me that's when it gets hard to handle when you have to see that side of things..

Smooches
B

Hey Mack,

I lost my BFF 3 years ago after a 5 year fight with breast cancer.  I was one of the only ones, including her blood relatives, that knew about her progress.  Even though she went through a double mastectomy and the cancer mastecized twice, I held onto faith with her and couldn't believe she was really gone when she died.

I was totally at peace with our love for each other and our friendship but I still went through all the stages of grief.  I was madder that a MOFO at her for leaving.  And I still promise her a good ol' butt whoppin' when I see her again.

I looked grief up online and found out about the 5 stages.  Being aware of them helped.  However, no matter how at peace I was, the grief was inevitable. 

I found most of my comfort in loving those around me and God took me through the rest.  I didn't realize how set back I was until I met a new friend 2 years later (who is a crazy fool!) and my daughter said she was so happy to see me laugh again.  I didn't even realize it. 

I'll always miss her but I'm cool.

my daughter has voiced some observations of me recently and I've been shocked, too.

Kids...... they ARE sometimes useful.  Who knew?  LOL! 

For me I guess it just depends on the person.  I have lost many friends over the years but 3 years ago when my mother died I'm still grieving and on that note I'll end cause I'm still fresh from mothers day.

Ms Shell

BTW I just LOVE your posts...

It really depends on who it is and my relationship with them.  When my mom died I had episodes of sadness but did not grieve hard.  She had been sick w/cancer 4 years, her condition was never discussed and things went on as though there would be plenty of tomorrows. Seems it was just an unspoken decision within the family. 
However when my best friend since 3rd grade died at 40 I grieved for years.  We did so many firsts together, shared innumerable life changes and then within a month of finding out she had cancer, she died. 
Sometimes I still think about her and cry thinking it could happen to me.  Selfish I know.
Z

Girl, I have some people on my daddy's side of the family that ack a fool at funerals so I hate going to funerals when they are there because I'm sitting there listening and paying my respects and maybe crying.  Then they get going hollering, jumping, falling out and my kids are asking me why are they acting like that. lol (we don't go to a church where people do that so my kids were scared the first time but expect it now) hahaha   Then the one cousin that can sing gets up there and sang his song and draws it out and add about 4 mo' verses and tears the choir stand up. We are there for about 3 hrs. White people  eulogize their people in 30 minutes or less and it is  just as respectful.

I keep saying that I will not cry and I'm usually good if they don't open the coffin up at the end for one last look and then I ball. It also depends on who it is. Right now I'm going through a grieving process because my mom has alzheimers. She still living but she is not herself and doesn't remember being my mommy. It was hard on by birthday a couple of weeks ago and I didn't get a card and on Mother's day and she didn't want to talk on the phone. I'll pray for your friend.

Dr. Oz had a pill on yesterday that had stage 4 cancer patients living past 5 yrs. maybe they can research that.