Ummm...yeah...5/24/2010
What's up my beautiful BAF family! How you all doing? I have been seriously taking care of business so I have not been able to be online here lately. Doing the start up of the Foundation for my sister, interviewing with an author who is doing a book about the MISSING and who's searching for them, church activities, sorority activities, girls activities & making a conscious effort to stay on top of my work load. I don't want to just function...I am trying to excel. All I can say is that the spirit has a hold on me and I can't stand still!
I am still working on my weight loss goal..but I will say that while I continue to lose...its definitely not coming off as fast as I would like for whatever reasons. I know that I could kick it up a notch with the exercise but I am doing the best I can right now. I am down to 205...that's 15 pounds lost since I started. I know that 25 pounds is not going to miraculously disappear by next month...its simply not realistic at this point BUT I am going to keep moving towards it. I figure any loss is better than none or not making the effort at all. My blood work results were normal with the exception of Vitamin D. Doc increased my dosage. I am doing well with my intake with the exception with an occasional mini binge like a bag of chips followed with a chaser of M&M. I am doing everything in my power not to let it get out of control. I read my JUST FOR TODAY book daily just to help me stay in touch with the fact that I have a history of compulsive overeating. An addict...always an addict. Just trying to keep it real for myself. Being closer to my higher power is helping me tremendously as well.
I remember when I was an inpatient at the Radar Institute down in Wintergarden, Florida about 15 years ago. Primary diagnosis depression, secondary..compulsive overeater. Was there for 30 days. It was an experience that I try to keep fresh in my mind. I was in there with other Compulsive Overeaters, Bulimics & Anorexics. We bonded and I sometimes wonder what happened to them because we naturally just lost contact over the years. I know that some of them probably have not made it.
I remember a 15 year old anorexic girl that touched all of our hearts. She was the sweetest little girl; however, she was as thin as a rail...weighted like 70 pounds sopping wet. Yet in her mind she was the fattest thing on earth. At least that's what she saw when she looked in the mirror. No amount of convincing would make her think otherwise. She had to be forced feed most of the time she was there. Then there was another compulsive overeater that got catch trying to sneak on another wing of the hospital to get to the vending machine....got caught red handed with a Snicker Bar...LOL! I know it seems funny but I tell you...its a serious problem when you let food control your life. Some of you may have never had that type of eating obsession but I tell you..its a trip. I said it on here before but i knew I had hit rock bottom when I retrieved food I had thrown away from the trash...plus i would go for days binge eating..nearly eating myself into a coma. I just did not want to feel. Eating was a distraction from my pain. I was a hot mess and knew it.
i guess the one thing I learned and have tried to keep close to me as I struggle with my weight is that I can't ever let myself get that out of control ever again. Cause to do so would mean DEATH for me!!!
I guess I say all this just to offer a word of encouragement to all out there who's struggling. Get close to your higher power and turn over all that stuff that you have no control over. Those are the things that make us ill...make us want to cover up the hurt, the sadness, the loneliness and other feeling with food. The higher power does not have to be God that is know by others. Perhaps its your mom or grand-mom or some other influential person in your life that has passed on....that you still talk to... Perhaps its being close and out in nature, perhaps its a support group or meeting....may be its your journal in which you write all your most sacred thoughts... No one should judge....Just take your trouble to your higher power and do your best to leave it there and ask for guidance.
I want to wish you all a blessed weekend. Looking forward to seeing those who are attending the Meet and Greet in Atlanta next month! HUGS!!!
I am still working on my weight loss goal..but I will say that while I continue to lose...its definitely not coming off as fast as I would like for whatever reasons. I know that I could kick it up a notch with the exercise but I am doing the best I can right now. I am down to 205...that's 15 pounds lost since I started. I know that 25 pounds is not going to miraculously disappear by next month...its simply not realistic at this point BUT I am going to keep moving towards it. I figure any loss is better than none or not making the effort at all. My blood work results were normal with the exception of Vitamin D. Doc increased my dosage. I am doing well with my intake with the exception with an occasional mini binge like a bag of chips followed with a chaser of M&M. I am doing everything in my power not to let it get out of control. I read my JUST FOR TODAY book daily just to help me stay in touch with the fact that I have a history of compulsive overeating. An addict...always an addict. Just trying to keep it real for myself. Being closer to my higher power is helping me tremendously as well.
I remember when I was an inpatient at the Radar Institute down in Wintergarden, Florida about 15 years ago. Primary diagnosis depression, secondary..compulsive overeater. Was there for 30 days. It was an experience that I try to keep fresh in my mind. I was in there with other Compulsive Overeaters, Bulimics & Anorexics. We bonded and I sometimes wonder what happened to them because we naturally just lost contact over the years. I know that some of them probably have not made it.
I remember a 15 year old anorexic girl that touched all of our hearts. She was the sweetest little girl; however, she was as thin as a rail...weighted like 70 pounds sopping wet. Yet in her mind she was the fattest thing on earth. At least that's what she saw when she looked in the mirror. No amount of convincing would make her think otherwise. She had to be forced feed most of the time she was there. Then there was another compulsive overeater that got catch trying to sneak on another wing of the hospital to get to the vending machine....got caught red handed with a Snicker Bar...LOL! I know it seems funny but I tell you...its a serious problem when you let food control your life. Some of you may have never had that type of eating obsession but I tell you..its a trip. I said it on here before but i knew I had hit rock bottom when I retrieved food I had thrown away from the trash...plus i would go for days binge eating..nearly eating myself into a coma. I just did not want to feel. Eating was a distraction from my pain. I was a hot mess and knew it.
i guess the one thing I learned and have tried to keep close to me as I struggle with my weight is that I can't ever let myself get that out of control ever again. Cause to do so would mean DEATH for me!!!
I guess I say all this just to offer a word of encouragement to all out there who's struggling. Get close to your higher power and turn over all that stuff that you have no control over. Those are the things that make us ill...make us want to cover up the hurt, the sadness, the loneliness and other feeling with food. The higher power does not have to be God that is know by others. Perhaps its your mom or grand-mom or some other influential person in your life that has passed on....that you still talk to... Perhaps its being close and out in nature, perhaps its a support group or meeting....may be its your journal in which you write all your most sacred thoughts... No one should judge....Just take your trouble to your higher power and do your best to leave it there and ask for guidance.
I want to wish you all a blessed weekend. Looking forward to seeing those who are attending the Meet and Greet in Atlanta next month! HUGS!!!
LEE
on 4/16/10 12:36 am
on 4/16/10 12:36 am
I usually shy away from long ass posts but i'm glad I read this. Cause a lot of it is what I needed to hear this morning. I am a lot like those girls you spoke about, because people are constantly saying you really can't believe your as fat as you think, and in my head I feel almost as big as I was pre-op. I know i'm not but my head is so messed up now a days.
Keep strong MD, and working on your goal, you'll get there.
Keep strong MD, and working on your goal, you'll get there.
Salty Pickle a.k.a. Lee
Hey SP!
You are definitely not alone in your thinking....body image distortions are so prevalent amongst us. I think the only regret I have is that I did not keep any of the clothes I had post op. It would be nice to try on those clothes just to see how far I have come. Now that I think about it...I might just go to the Thrift Store and buy an outfit just for that purpose. When I look in the mirror I see the same obese person too BUT I am trying to hard to resist the feelings that come after it...cause I know they are just feelings....a test if you will to put me in bad head space and make me fail. I am getting better at resisting those negative feelings.
Have you ever read anything about Kabbakah? If not...you might want to pick up the book by Yehuda Berg called the Power of Kabbalah. Its really been helping me in all areas of my life.
I am thinking about and praying for you SP....Hang in there...you can get there too! HUGS!
You are definitely not alone in your thinking....body image distortions are so prevalent amongst us. I think the only regret I have is that I did not keep any of the clothes I had post op. It would be nice to try on those clothes just to see how far I have come. Now that I think about it...I might just go to the Thrift Store and buy an outfit just for that purpose. When I look in the mirror I see the same obese person too BUT I am trying to hard to resist the feelings that come after it...cause I know they are just feelings....a test if you will to put me in bad head space and make me fail. I am getting better at resisting those negative feelings.
Have you ever read anything about Kabbakah? If not...you might want to pick up the book by Yehuda Berg called the Power of Kabbalah. Its really been helping me in all areas of my life.
I am thinking about and praying for you SP....Hang in there...you can get there too! HUGS!
Hey beautiful, thank you for your post this morning. A wonderful reminder to us all! I have always believed that success is won in the small battles. Its meal by meal, moment by moment. Its getting back up and on track when you fell off sooo hard, you thought you wouldn't recover...but you did. You're right, keep (for me) God first and the rest shall be added unto you. You may end up being closer to your goal then you think by next month!! You can do allll things through Christ who strengthens you! Smooooooch!!!
Hey there Glam! Nice to see your lovely face....
God is really working in my life. The closer I get to him...it seems the clearer my thinking and more correct my actions. I have jumped from being somewhat skeptical to becoming a believer to now consider myself a knower. As a knower there is no doubt in my minds that God is working in my life. The thing that I have really come to understand is that it does not matter about how valid I might think the WORD is or not. Yes...I had issues because I would get caught up in the fact that man has translated it so many times...some putting their own spin on it. True...I had a distrust for man mankind) due to my life experience BUT what I now know more than ever is that my relationship is very personal with my creator. The worldly negative feelings of doubt, distrust, pessimism, guilt, hopelessness etc etc.. are wiped away the closer I get to God. I now see the road map. Everything that has happened in my life...no matter how tragic they might have been were all seeds planted for my work that God was preparing me to do on another level. I see it now. I am a vessel and I can either let God work in my life to help humanity...or I can continue to wallow in my own self pity. Today...I chose the former! God is so Good. Just going to continue to let my light shine....similar to the way I see the LIGHT shining in YOU! I am going to keep striving for my goal. Be Blessed sweetheart!
God is really working in my life. The closer I get to him...it seems the clearer my thinking and more correct my actions. I have jumped from being somewhat skeptical to becoming a believer to now consider myself a knower. As a knower there is no doubt in my minds that God is working in my life. The thing that I have really come to understand is that it does not matter about how valid I might think the WORD is or not. Yes...I had issues because I would get caught up in the fact that man has translated it so many times...some putting their own spin on it. True...I had a distrust for man mankind) due to my life experience BUT what I now know more than ever is that my relationship is very personal with my creator. The worldly negative feelings of doubt, distrust, pessimism, guilt, hopelessness etc etc.. are wiped away the closer I get to God. I now see the road map. Everything that has happened in my life...no matter how tragic they might have been were all seeds planted for my work that God was preparing me to do on another level. I see it now. I am a vessel and I can either let God work in my life to help humanity...or I can continue to wallow in my own self pity. Today...I chose the former! God is so Good. Just going to continue to let my light shine....similar to the way I see the LIGHT shining in YOU! I am going to keep striving for my goal. Be Blessed sweetheart!
Hey hey hey there! Glad you're living well and loving it. Congratulations on getting the foundation started.
MSW Roux-En-Y Gastric Bypass: Eat sensibly & enjoy moderation
Links: Are you a compulsive eater? for help OA meets on-line Keep Coming Back, One Day At a Time Overeaters Anonymous
L
V'N MY RNY. WORKING FOR ME BECAUSE I WORK FOR IT.
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