I thought losing the weight would change my relationship for the better

�I have been lurking around the boards for quite some time but never felt the need to post before now. �I'm just a little frustrated right now. �I've been with my bf for about five years now and �of the entire time we have been together I was either slightly overweight or really overweight. �LOL. �Since I've lost weight things between us have changed but for worse. �How is this possible? �Prior to surgery he had a problem with my weight but he didn't say very much about it because I made it very clear to him that either he accepts me as I was or hit the door. �I lost the weight for myself because I was really tired of being fat but I just assumed that he would be happy about the loss and we would become closer. �This is not the case. �As I've lost the weight we've become farther and farther apart. �I'm still the same person I was before, I just feel much better about myself so of course I go the extra mile to make sure I'm on point when I walk out the door. �I go to the gym 4 days a week and work out from home 2x and he's complaining that I work out too much! � HUH? I don't understand and am beginning to not even want to understand anymore. �I'm wondering am I changing or is he? �Has anyone else experienced this? �I have only a few more lbs to go until goal and I refuse to let anyone stand in my way. �

Sometimes the people close to us have a hard timee accepting change. He sounds like hes feeling insecure about your weight loss. Have you talked to him about it? Tell him how you feel and see what his response is. In the meantime,  dont let his insecurities stop you from being at your best!

I don't think a week goes by when I don't see a post coplaining of relationships ending after wls.  WLS does not fix bad relationships or ruin good ones.   If MrBF had issues with your body before its no surprise he still has issues albeit different ones.

You'll have to both work to find out exactly what is broken in your relationship.  You can be sure that the source of the problem goes well beyond your weight loss and work outs. 

I hope it turns out well for you both. 

Hey lady!!!  Welcome to the board - stop lurking witcha nosey azz and post more often!!! LMAOOO

Aiight - couple things I noticed here...... you been with homie 5 years, but you said you ASSUMED he would be happy about your weight loss.  Red flag for me right there.

Makes me wonder about y'alls communication - if you assumed - means you didn't talk about and thru the process.  What that says to me is there's already something broken between you two.  WLS is a major deal - you know for yourself whether he was fully on board with you or not.  Any indifference or non involvement on his part should be a 'tell' for you. 

Then the ultimatum - like it or leave.  If he's that into you, he doesn't need a line drawn in the sand - him pulling away tells you he's not cool with what's happening.

Then 'I'm the same person I was' - ummmm - sorry boo - but you not.  Everybody comes on here with that and it's a lil funny actually.  If you were REALLY the same mofo, you wouldn't have had WLS.  Something has shifted in you to cause you to take ownership of your health and body - and that ownership carries over into other aspects of your personality - it's natural - nothing wrong with it - but you are, indeed, different.

Last - because you didn't have his buy in beforehand, he's either pissed cause he no longer has control or he isn't willing to accept change in the status quo.  I have a married friend who had WLS and her hubby was adamant NO about it - she did it anyway.  Before WLS, that mofo wouldn't keep a job, treated her like shyt and was a real azz.  After she lost the weight - hell, while losing it - she stopped taking the BS (like your ultimatum) and he had to step up his game.  Now he's the bread winner in the house and she is a pampered azz bytch. 

So - to me, sounds like you put the cards on the table and he don't wanna play - he'd have to step up his game and he doesn't want things to change - he liked them as they were - you were easier to 'manage' then - and now you require more work - and he ain't willing to step up. 

Anyhoo - hope things work out - but no matter what - stay true to you and the tool!

THANKS! I so needed to read this today.

Thanks everyone for your responses. They have truly given me something to think about and have really touched home. Communication definitely is an issue in our relationship. I am the one who always wants to talk about things and he never does which of course creates a problem. I have tried many times to talk to him about how I feel and find out what is going on in his head but seem to get no where. He was not on board with the WLS, said that I didn't need it, that I could lose the weight on my own. He actually said that surgery was the easy way out (which I've heard people say before which is so not true bc I've never worked so hard to lose weight in my life). I, however, knew what I wanted and was confident in my decision so did not let his opinion affect me decision in any way.

While his response is bothering me, I'm definitely not going to let it deter me from my goal. Like I said earlier I have 23 more lbs to lose, and I am more focused than I have ever been in my life. While I would love to do this with him, I have no problem doing it without him. I am comfortable with myself and know that if he is not the one, there is definitely someone out there for me who will accept me and love me for the person I am.

@ #1 Mack_Mama, I will definitely stop lurking. LMAO

I'd like to share with you something I wrote months ago - I hope you won't think I am preaching, because I am not - but you seem to be soul searching as I was a while ago.

This whole relationship thing is a process..........

I’ve spent all my adult life to date in relationships that didn’t work out. I’ve spent hours upon hours trying to figure out what I could do to make them work. It’s finally dawned on me that there’s nothing I can do except let the situation go. And that I’ve got to stop allowing myself to get into and accept situations that already show themselves to be unworthy of me.

So often I see women who don’t understand and value their true worth. They will chase a man, play to his needs, work themselves to near death in order to keep him and if he tries to leave – will beg him to stay. I used to be that type of woman. I now know – without question, without hesitation - *I* am the good thing. The man for me in my life will cling to me and will do so without my instruction, request or demand. He will be driven by an innate inner desire to please me. Even though I am independent and self-sufficient, he will be my provider. His ultimate and primary concern each and every day is my comfort, care and safety. If I present a need to him – he’s driven to fulfill it. He will be uneasy until it’s taken care of, he won’t sleep well until it’s covered, he is relentless in his pursuit of my care. He knows that I, in turn, am driven to serve him. And not in a hand maiden way. His comfort, his care is my ultimate concern. I understand it is my job to prepare his home for him and tend to it consistently to ensure his comfort – that I’ve taken care of his needs so that he is prepared and able to go out into the world to do the things for me that *I* need. As he is driven to provide for me, I am so driven in my service to him.

Another thing I see so often is that women will be in relationships for long periods of time and observe/take a certain sub-par level of treatment. I also realize that when a man is dating a woman, and certainly when he indicates he’s wanting to make that woman his wife – he should be modeling his treatment of her and showing her what that life with him will look like. His care and behavior while they are dating is his presentation, his offering to her – with the hopes that woman will accept and become his partner, his wife. If that presentation lacks depth, form, consistency, anything that woman knows she wants – she should leave him. His presentation is heartfelt, if that woman brings up a point and he ‘edits’ that presentation, it’s not a true change. A woman cannot instruct a man on how to be a man to her – he is as he is – and he’s just not the man for her.

I read a message to women written by a pastor that pointed out that women looking for a mate have to first focus on themselves and in particular, their relationship with God. Such a powerful message! I realize that I am not firm and consistent in my relationship with God – I know I am not perfect in my walk – but how can I expect to be blessed with his creation for me, if I am not solid in my relationship with God? Surely he needs to know that I am absolute and solid in my faith before he turns over his gift to me! It’s like being given a treasured item – the person giving it needs to know that you will care for it properly – that you won’t break it, damage it, or harm it. If I haven’t taken the time to convince God that I understand – he’s not turning my man over to me. He knows I am not ready – but he’s always waiting to work with me and through me. It’s a process and I am willing and open, finally, to learning

EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Believe me, I definitely do not feel that you are preaching. Thank you so much for your words, you have no idea how much they are appreciated.

WOW U wanna know what is  he is jealous hate 2 say it but I 2 went thru the same thing  u hear me girl I know what is going on OMG be careful a hater will bring you down trust me but hold your head up high and do YOU!! He's gonna try to stear u away from your goal and dream wait till you want to go workout and he tries to get you to do something else don't go for it keep going don't fall short