Is the grass ALWAYS greener? Do you get hit on and get tempted ater wls to go with...

Good morning,

I have a question, as most of my friends know I am engaged and pretty much "happy" HOWEVER, I never mentioned that I constantly get hit on all the time, but I have ignored it up until recenty.....with the job that my contracted just ended, there used to be a guy where I worked used to hit on me all the time but I sort of ignored his advances toward me, but one day when it was raining he offered to drive me to my car so I let him and then he asked if he could take me to lunch the next day, I told him that I was engaged and was pretty much "happy and in love".

This was about a month prior to my contract ending, so he took me to lunch the next day and pulled off my coat in the restaurant (which I was really not comfortable with) since a lot of my co-workers was at the restaurant and KNOW that I was engaged to another guy. I think this guy KNEW what he was doing since HE KNEW I was engaged and when we walked back to the building he tried to hold my hands and I pulled back and told him I am not ready for that and then he said  "you are not married yet". So I gave him this dirty look.

Then he would send my emails at work asking for my home number and I would not give it to him, I wanted to keep our relationship strictly business and platonic and at work.

So fast forward three weeks ago, I got word that our contracted ending and that was abruptly and I had to quickly search for a job and I met this guy in the hallway near the lab where we were bothing working, he is a "software engineer" too but he worked for another division and his contract was stable until next year and then he told me to give him my resume and he would submit it to his company since he knew personally knew all the "movers and shakers" in his company and he would promised he could get me a job there.

So I gave him my resume which required me to give him my home number too, I went on some interviews with his company and I got a call from his companies HR department and they actually offered me a job, BUT...I had already found another job by the time I received a job offer from his company.

So after all of this, this guy seem to be REALLY INTO ME....talking me to lunch several times and offering to take me to romantic places and so forth; he even sent me pictures of his big house that he just purchased and he only lives 5 miles from my subdivision, I told him about me and my fiance and me having to move and sell my place before me and my fiancee can get married since my fiance lives in another state and we decided to compromise and move halfway in northeast Maryland. 

Then this new guy tries to persuade me NOT to get married and he would treat me like a queen and I could rent out my condo and move in with him since he has a huge house and then he  tells me his is retired military and his military pension pays for mortgage and I did not have to do much if I moved in with him, I mean this guy is REALLY aggressive with me and I have told him the DEAL, even when he calls me I don't return his calls., I am honestly getting confused and (tempted) since this guy lives near me and I will not have to move to another state if we got together and he makes MORE money than my fiancee, but my fiancee has more assets.....a few properties....

He is about 3 years older than me, about 6'0 tall slim; and told me he would quickly replace my ring with a bigger one....  

Now I am honestly so confused...I have not been returning my finacee phone calls in the last day and I know he is worried, I just have a lot on my mind and I just don't know what I am thinking these days....

So I am SURE others have been in my shoes...is the grass ALWAYS greener, I've had no doubts about my current relationship up until now since I am being tempted by this other guy who lives near by....Can anybody else related to this? Is the Grass always Greener?


 

Hello, It kinda sounds like you are getting cold feet with your fiance. I always say the grass is never greener, it just looks that way because you want it to. Once you leave your "happiness" for "something better" it usually ends up that you are worse off then before. This is just my opinion. It also kinda sounds like material things may have more value to you than the things that matter such as how a person treats you, if there is truly love involved this shouldn't be such a hard decision.

Thanks Amanda for your feedback! I know the material things sounded sort of shallow, but I guess what I was trying to get at is this...in order for me and my fiancee to get married I MUST sell my place, because he lives in another state we decided to compromise on a location that is convenient for both of us...but having to uproot and move is sort of giving me cold feet...I have already explained my concerns to my fiancee...also we wants to get me cats and I am NOT ready for that yet...so there is a lot going through my mind right and and maybe I have cold feet..I dunno......Amanda you brought up a good point...I think I love my finacee...but again, I don't know why I am having these mixed feelings right now....I guess this is what you call cold feet

Please don't take this the wrong way but, if I felt this way "I think I love my finacee...but again, I don't know why I am having these mixed feelings right now...." I would not be engaged. I'm just saying, if I am not 100% sure that I am in love, I am not doing it. I would suggest you explore these feelings and really make sure that you are making the right decision in the long run. I remember when you first came on here and spoke about your fiance and how happy you were. It didn't seem like any of these issues were really a problem until these other guys started flirting and all. In my experience when we are "happy" that is when we get tested, the guys start coming out of the wood work. I think it was probably a bad move to go on lunch dates with these guys if you are/were comitted to your fiance. This gave those guys the impression that they had a chance and maybe they do, who knows. Anyway, I wish you the best and hope you make the best decision for you in the long run. Only you know what is important for you and your happiness.

That is what I am talking about, I guess I am now questioning myself do I really love him enough to marry him and uproot and move and bring cats in my house; , this is why I said "I think I love him"...I guess I really need to sit down and REALLY think about what I need to do...I have to be honest Amanda...I actually TRIED to break off with my fiancee several times and he is very emotional and he cried...yes..he cried..and I felt so bad I just continued on with our engagement...every time I tell him that I want to give things a break...he gets all emotional...and I really don't know what to do..I really DO care and love him AND care abou this feelings, coz I would not want to be hurt -- I treat people the same way I want to be treated, but I am not sure what type of feelings and emotions that I have right now....

You went out to lunch with a co-worker who has the hots for you and now he wants you to move in with him?  Come on now, lady.  Even if there were no fiance in the picture, that just doesn't strike me as the basis for forming a stable long term relationship.  That's moving WAY too fast.

The current situation is messy and unfair to your fiance.  IMO, you need to take time to sort out your feelings/misgivings about your relationship with him before you even think about looking at anybody else.  I hope you won't be offended, but it seems like this engagement also moved kinda fast too.  It takes time to get to know a person and build up the trust and rapport you need to sustain a lasting relationship.  Are you truly ready to commit to a marriage and uproot yourself to do be with this man?  You say you "think" you love him.   Have you seen something in him that makes you mistrust him?  Do you think he's worth making the sacrifices that you would have to make in order to be with him?  Can you count on him to take care of you if you are unable to take care of yourself? 

There's nothing wrong with taking a step back and saying "I need a minute to think about this."   Don't worry about what other people might think.  This is your life and your future.

Keep the lines of communication open with your fiance.  Talk to him about what you're feeling.  It might be a good idea to have some premarital counseling to make sure you guys are on the same page with the important issues. 

Whatever you do, please don't make any impulsive moves that you might regret. 

 

Thanks So Blessed for your comment you made some valid good points, perhaps we NEED to see a marriage counselor prior to marriage to make sure this in what is BEST for the both of us.

I DO love my fiance very much, and don't want to hurt him, but again I have been second guessing my decision to have to uproot and sell my place and move, so I guess I need time to really think this thing out carefully....Remember there is NO MESS yet -- I have not been unfaithful to my fiancee...I DON'T SLEEP AROUND....I guess I needed someone to talk to to make SURE I am making the right decision..and Yes my Fiance deserves me to talk to him honestly about the whole situation and I have "tried too" but he gets emotional and we always end up changing the subject...I will iron this whole thing out......

I haven't had surgery and perhaps my opinion doesnt matter. But what I can tell you is that prior to having my son 16 years ago, I was that Fly girl that most men wanted to be with. I was put on steroids during  my pregnancy because I had Bells Palsy and the left side of my face was paralyzed. I gained so much weight during my pregancy and went from being hot, to simply being fat with a pretty face. I lost weight but never did return to being that slim. During the course of the years, i gained weight after each and every one of my pregnancies and took anything prescribed or over the counter to lose weight. Well, as I got heavier and heavier and losing weight became more difficult, my taste in men shifted. My self esteem dininished and now I was working on personailty to charm men because I knew that my weight was a distraction. I became complacent. The first man to sweep me off my feet, I settled for, regardless of financial stability or how many baby mommas he had. I simply felt privelaged for anyone to want me. In relationships I gave too much of myself and compromised way too much. However, it always seemed like it was me giving giving giving and receiving very little. I married one of those guys and thought if we got married perhaps he would change. Needless to say I had a Hollywood marriage, lasted all of 5 months. I went into the marriage settling, compromising and hoping that my feelings would change and things would get better. Sometimes they do, but many times, the relationship doesnt get any better. It just becomes more difficult to sever your ties once you are legally married.  If you are in doubt, then take a breather. Ain't nothing wrong with a man that cries, but the thought of hurting him shouldnt keep you with him either.  And a man that tried to Woe you from your Fiance' aint SHIIIT... If you end up with a guy like that, he will have in the back of his head, how u did your man wrong. I would think that he just wants to hit it and interested in being a bootie bangin partner. Not worth leaving ur Man for an appendage. But if you are having doubts and are confused, take a breather. Have fun, just know, that sometimes, the other party only wants to have fun too....

 

Good Luck. I hope that i get hit on when I lose weight.... I am so looking forward to that... LOL

Thank you CHYNALYZ!  I really appreciate your feedback! I guess this happens a LOT to those who are engaged, for me at least there is a LOT that will have to change, I don't think I am "settling" getting married to my finacee, in fact I am more physically attracted to my  finacee than the other guy....I guess by having to move and this other guy constantly approaching made me start to think I am really ready for marriage....I guess I will need time to really think about this...

Hey Naomi,

Your new suitor ain't nothing but the devil in disguise. At least this is how I would look at him to give myself some breathing room if I were in your shoes.  I would say the fact that you have wanted to break it off with your fiance before this guy came into the picture is the larger issue. I agree with So Blessed....Marriage Counseling is a wise choice. This will help both of you discern if in fact marriage is the right way to go for both of you.  Its obvious that your Fiance loves you but he may have emotional needs that will need to be addressed to help him cope if in fact this does not happen for both of you. You don't owe Erik anything BUT respect...the way that it seems he has respected you. Yes...Erik seems like a great guy AND you may in fact love him. True of the matter though...love is not always enough.  You need trust, compromise, communication, fire (passion) etc.. etc... Erik is in deep...best thing you can do is offer support in him getting other supports if you care for him. Its possible that you BOTH want to be with each other for the wrong reasons...I don't know....counseling witll help you tell.

Whatever you do...please do not jump from one relationship to another" without giving yourself time to heal...breathe. Try not to jump out of this one without taking some time to see if you truly do not want this relationship....hard to go back once you have severed the ties.... regrets are not comfortable. As So Blessed stated...no impulsive moves.

You say that you would treat others the way that you want to be treated.....well...I am sure you would not want Erik out having lunch and like minded conversations with other women....these behaviors will cause serious trust issues for both parties...not a good thing for a relationship.

I am gonna hit you on the BL as well.