Coming Clean With Myself....

1. Early out, I loved the fact that I had no appetite. I concentrated on water, vitamins and protein...that was it. I still have no appetite and my views on eating are still jacked up. If I do not plan my meals, I will not eat. Putting myself on a schedule and entering my  food into dailyplate.com is mandatory for me. Newbies, eat right now or you may develop this UNHEALTHY habit.

2. I miss my breasts. I mourn them daily. Since I suffer from "Noassitol", they were my only asset. They don't sag (thank goodness) but I want them ample. WhenI was laid off, I seriously considered using my severance for a surgery holiday. How irresponsible! Good thing that passed. If not, I would probably be slinging on a pole to get my bills paid. 

3. After the job lay off, I started to smoke. Thank goodness for Chantix. I busted that habit and I'm now smoke free. Food was a way for me to deal with stress. Folks, I know it's hard, but ulcers are real and can kill you. When I told my PCP, he immediately placed me on Carafate as a preventive measure.

4. I took Erythromycin. I have a page BM'd with the list of meds that RNYers are not suppose to take. My obsession with better skin got the best of me. I was stupid. Hence another reason I'm on Carafate.

5. Wanting to gain weight - yeah...that was REAL STUPID. When the weight plummeted to 131 (5'7") I looked downright scary. My views have changed and it has passed. I did gain three pounds, but I'm working hard on maintaining. My body will STOP when it's good and dayum ready.

6. I relied on my PCP and NUT 100% to tell me which vitamins to take. My levels dropped...okay, my vit D tanked. I became vigilante about my supplement research as result. I wish I had done this early on.

Okay, I'm finished with my venting for today. I can't put the blame on anyone but myself. I can only try to do better.

One more....

7. Insomnia was an issue prior to surgery. Now it's even worse. I've resorted to extra sugary Koolaid at night to put me to sleep....that's how my dumping usually works.

I sooooooo understand what you're saying. I'm underweight and  if I get past 173 I panic and cut out a meal. I don't eat breakfast anyway. I know that being 6'3 that weighing 190 that the dr. says he wants me to be is a wonderful size but it freaks me out to gain weight.

I would love to get a tummy tuck and my breasts done and my thighs.

I have no energy and if I go to the store, I can't make it around without about to pass out. I've had a upper respiratory infection since Nov.

My pouch hurts when I eat or takes my meds., I have an appt. with my surgeon next week.

I'm suffering from depression and can't pull myself out of it.

I wish this board was like it used to be and I miss my name. : (

Thanks for letting me vent.

Oh Angellette! I didn't realize you were struggling so much. I knew you were unhappy about how thin you had gotten, but as we all know there is a little of rebound weight gain. I'm sorry I've been a bad friend and Angel-I promise to keep in better touch in the future.

1. Early out, I loved the fact that I had no appetite. I concentrated on water, vitamins and protein...that was it.

Back when I frist had surgery I threw up a lot after meals, which made it not so enticing to want to even eat.  Everything that I could consume as a meal fit neatly inside of half of a child-sized cereal bowl.  Adjusting was hard both mentally and physically, but nowadays I can almost fill that same bowl; however, I take so darn long to eat until I usually don't enjoy the food because it's way too cold with me taking so long to consume the meal. 

2. I miss my breasts. I mourn them daily.

A few folks on here read my blog a few months back on male breasts that I affectionately call "goobies" so I'll spare y'all and won't go into any of that here.

3. ...Food was a way for me to deal with stress.

Yes. Yes.  Yes.  Exactly!  I was much more cheerful when I was heavier, just smiling in the face of whatever bothered me most.  Since the surgery; however, I don't deal with stressful situations as easily as I did in the past.  I did have to dial it back a bit though, because this recession is a real bee-yotch and a brotha needs his job.  Word.

4. ...My obsession with better skin got the best of me.

Not me.  I'm what some women call a 'double-dipped chocolate brotha' so I never really tripped on the good skin/flaws/blemishes thing.  Although, I do notice from time to time that my skin looks a little lighter in some pics now compared to the past.  Dang, Wonka...   see what you've started...

5. Wanting to gain weight - yeah...

Been there and DID that.  There I was kicking major butt losing weight all winter as I walked back and forth to class, while increasing my daily excerise.  As soon as school let out last summer the scale started going back in the other direction.  Bumba clott!  I ran what I was doing daily by a few veteran BAF'ers and they set me straight on what to do to correct it.  Shout out to you, you, and especially you...  You know who you are.

6. I relied on my PCP and NUT 100%

I don't have a nutritionist.  I never really took the notion of having one seriously I guess.  Maybe I should look into getting one huh?

7. Insomnia was an issue prior to surgery. Now it's even worse.

OMG!!!  I though it was just me.  If I took a nap in the evening before bedtime, I'd toss and turn all night - and I wear a CPAP!  Nowadays, I've been chalking it up to having so much energy because I'm a lot lighter.  Whatuppwiddat, Yo?!

I'm sorry for your sorrows though I can in no way identify with the underweight or not wanting to eat thing...never could.  Things change when u are 8 years out, I notice that everyone who answered is within the honeymoon period.  Hang in there just when u thought u knew it all; it will change. Learn to go with the flow, your psyche will thank you for it.

Sorry you're dealing with these major head issues.  I guess we've all got them in some way. 

Lately I am dying for burbon and cigaretts.  I've had a drink but I'nm still fighting the cigs. 

I'd kill to get down 20-25 lbs into the 130's.  Ironically, one of the docs I see regularly for non wl issues thinks thats too thin and un realistic for my build.  She's been with me on this since the beginning.  I'm just 5'4".  I wear from size 2-8.  The though of a size ten terrifies me.  How silly is that given I wore an 18w to my pre op visit last February. 

Is it so bad to want to be slender with a normal bmi?  To want to try for zero co morbidities even if it is largely hereditary?  How do I know its not possible if I never get to "ideal" weight?

I'm glad you vented.  We all need to at times.

Thanks for your replies. I'm getting my head wrapped around this new way of life. Albeit slowly, I'll get there eventually. Thanks BAF!!!