My Relapsing Mind
(deactivated member)
on 12/24/09 6:48 pm, edited 12/24/09 10:12 pm - Sweet Dreams lives in , PA
on 12/24/09 6:48 pm, edited 12/24/09 10:12 pm - Sweet Dreams lives in , PA
I saw the question asked how can one let him or herself gain back significant weight after WLS. Well...I consider myself qualified to answer that question from my personal perspective.
I don't want to rehash all the numbers but I can tell you that I had gained back 30 pounds post WLS before I hit my bottom and realized that I needed to bring things back into control. I need to preface by saying that I was also one of those that never made it to the goal weight.
To me....my relationship with food has always been that of a friendship. Food was my friend. It comforted me and made me forget whatever problem I might have been experiencing at a particular time...by giving me another focus. My relationship with food was not a cultural underpinning or based on gluttony. My eating for the most part had a purpose other than nutrition and pleasure...it went deeper. I can go into all the dynamics that created this mindset but I have already told that part of the story to a certain degree in earlier blog posts.
The bottom line is that when I had weight loss surgery. It was as if the doctors cut off the phone line so that I could not call my friend. Yet....they did not cut off the longing and grief associated with that friendship. They made a physical change to my body....but the mental processes whether healthy or unhealthy were left intact. As with any true friendship, most will use very creative ways to contact the friend even if the line of communication have been severed. When I started to relapse it was as if I had walked down a dark, foggy alley...finding a dusty old pay phone...eventually able to reconnect with my friend, food. Once I made that connection again....I got back to the point when I did not give a ******o one is going to tell me when I can talk to or see my friend! I did not care if food was going to abuse me or if I was going to abuse food. We have a very dysfunctional love hate relationship.
So using that metaphor as a back drop...I can give more details and describe my relapse cycle. As like most, I would dump on high sugar foods at first. For the first 6 months, I did well. It was easy not to succumb to the pressure of a craving. I feared the ALMIGHTY dump too much. My main struggle from the very beginning was exercise and not so much my eating. I loathed exercise! I was so used to being a couch potato when I was not doing the things necessary to survive (i.e. shioot, eat, bathe, eat, drive, eat, work, eat, home, eat ). Plus nothing can mess up a sugar high worst than activity. I kid you not...I was a binge eater prior to WLS. Sometimes I would literally eat myself into a drunken stupor. I was the person that would fall asleep with a empty potato chip bag in the bed and a empty ice cream container on the night stand...along with a empty McDonald's Bag (won't even say what might have been in there)...it really disgusts me to think about it now.
I agree with what some of the VETs say, (It feels weird not classifying myself as a VET...while I am not a newbie...I feel like I am stuck in an abyss somewhere in the middle...trying to crawl my way out to VETerdom...LOL!) about this being more a mental journey than a physical. It is important to have any mental health issues addressed. This can only help with the recovery, discovery and success of the WLS patient.
Personally, I am very aware of my mental health issues. Grief, anger and sadness are the main emotions that I try to deal with on a daily basis. Loneliness and Low Self Esteem used to be on that list as well but not so much now. I know that how I chose to cope with these feelings will either lead to a great feeling of accomplishment OR failure depending on the choice.
Well cakes and pies were my "BEST" girlfriends. When they would come around, I did not want to hang around with plain old whole wheat bread as much. When I found out one day that my pouch would allow me a visit with my girlfriend..."German
. Well I did not want to hear it...so I threw Ole boy's azz away (yes....it had to be a male scale...cause he did not know shioot anyway...always trying to tell me something ~sucking my teeth~ just don't want me to hang out with my girlfriends LOL!).
Once I started to decrease my awareness and sneak away from my supports....OH OH....the RELAPSE was in full swing then!!!. I did not come to BAF because I did not want to hear I told you so. I did not want to see others progress. I did not want to be reminded that I was ******G UP! Well no one IRL understood where I was coming from....so where did that leave me? ALONE. I used to counsel Drug Addicts in my former career...and I would always tell them about the importance of having the 12 Steps and support! I know this shioot like the back of my hand. AN ADDICT ALONE IS IN HIS OR HER WORST COMPANY!!! Yet...here I was alone and my
side of my mind was in full effect. Even though I still could not stuff my face...pouch would always cry foul...I found away to eat around my pouch. Hell I could consume 3000 calories a day....by just snacking on junk all day. As long as I did not get TOO much sugar in my pouch at one time...I rarely dumped. SO I started again to eat as a way of coping with my feelings. Instead of doing something else productive...I did the easy thing. It kicked my arse left and right....and before I knew which way was up...I was up 30 pounds.
Thank God that I was able to peep out of that deep dark fog for just a moment to realize that I was way out of control!!!
To be continued......with MY LOSING MIND
I don't want to rehash all the numbers but I can tell you that I had gained back 30 pounds post WLS before I hit my bottom and realized that I needed to bring things back into control. I need to preface by saying that I was also one of those that never made it to the goal weight.
To me....my relationship with food has always been that of a friendship. Food was my friend. It comforted me and made me forget whatever problem I might have been experiencing at a particular time...by giving me another focus. My relationship with food was not a cultural underpinning or based on gluttony. My eating for the most part had a purpose other than nutrition and pleasure...it went deeper. I can go into all the dynamics that created this mindset but I have already told that part of the story to a certain degree in earlier blog posts.
The bottom line is that when I had weight loss surgery. It was as if the doctors cut off the phone line so that I could not call my friend. Yet....they did not cut off the longing and grief associated with that friendship. They made a physical change to my body....but the mental processes whether healthy or unhealthy were left intact. As with any true friendship, most will use very creative ways to contact the friend even if the line of communication have been severed. When I started to relapse it was as if I had walked down a dark, foggy alley...finding a dusty old pay phone...eventually able to reconnect with my friend, food. Once I made that connection again....I got back to the point when I did not give a ******o one is going to tell me when I can talk to or see my friend! I did not care if food was going to abuse me or if I was going to abuse food. We have a very dysfunctional love hate relationship.
So using that metaphor as a back drop...I can give more details and describe my relapse cycle. As like most, I would dump on high sugar foods at first. For the first 6 months, I did well. It was easy not to succumb to the pressure of a craving. I feared the ALMIGHTY dump too much. My main struggle from the very beginning was exercise and not so much my eating. I loathed exercise! I was so used to being a couch potato when I was not doing the things necessary to survive (i.e. shioot, eat, bathe, eat, drive, eat, work, eat, home, eat ). Plus nothing can mess up a sugar high worst than activity. I kid you not...I was a binge eater prior to WLS. Sometimes I would literally eat myself into a drunken stupor. I was the person that would fall asleep with a empty potato chip bag in the bed and a empty ice cream container on the night stand...along with a empty McDonald's Bag (won't even say what might have been in there)...it really disgusts me to think about it now.
I agree with what some of the VETs say, (It feels weird not classifying myself as a VET...while I am not a newbie...I feel like I am stuck in an abyss somewhere in the middle...trying to crawl my way out to VETerdom...LOL!) about this being more a mental journey than a physical. It is important to have any mental health issues addressed. This can only help with the recovery, discovery and success of the WLS patient.
Personally, I am very aware of my mental health issues. Grief, anger and sadness are the main emotions that I try to deal with on a daily basis. Loneliness and Low Self Esteem used to be on that list as well but not so much now. I know that how I chose to cope with these feelings will either lead to a great feeling of accomplishment OR failure depending on the choice.
Well cakes and pies were my "BEST" girlfriends. When they would come around, I did not want to hang around with plain old whole wheat bread as much. When I found out one day that my pouch would allow me a visit with my girlfriend..."German
. Well I did not want to hear it...so I threw Ole boy's azz away (yes....it had to be a male scale...cause he did not know shioot anyway...always trying to tell me something ~sucking my teeth~ just don't want me to hang out with my girlfriends LOL!).Once I started to decrease my awareness and sneak away from my supports....OH OH....the RELAPSE was in full swing then!!!. I did not come to BAF because I did not want to hear I told you so. I did not want to see others progress. I did not want to be reminded that I was ******G UP! Well no one IRL understood where I was coming from....so where did that leave me? ALONE. I used to counsel Drug Addicts in my former career...and I would always tell them about the importance of having the 12 Steps and support! I know this shioot like the back of my hand. AN ADDICT ALONE IS IN HIS OR HER WORST COMPANY!!! Yet...here I was alone and my
side of my mind was in full effect. Even though I still could not stuff my face...pouch would always cry foul...I found away to eat around my pouch. Hell I could consume 3000 calories a day....by just snacking on junk all day. As long as I did not get TOO much sugar in my pouch at one time...I rarely dumped. SO I started again to eat as a way of coping with my feelings. Instead of doing something else productive...I did the easy thing. It kicked my arse left and right....and before I knew which way was up...I was up 30 pounds.Thank God that I was able to peep out of that deep dark fog for just a moment to realize that I was way out of control!!!
To be continued......with MY LOSING MIND
Girl this is so deep. Thank you.
MSW Roux-En-Y Gastric Bypass: Eat sensibly & enjoy moderation
Links: Are you a compulsive eater? for help OA meets on-line Keep Coming Back, One Day At a Time Overeaters Anonymous
L
V'N MY RNY. WORKING FOR ME BECAUSE I WORK FOR IT.
Gurl....it gets deeper...I was just giving the top layer. My "FAT" brain has played some tricks on me! You are welcome. I know that not everybody considers themselves a Food Addict. I know I am. Some of what I say may hit home for some folks AND others might think that woman is crazy as hell! Either way...this is how my mind works when it comes to FOOD and recognizing it...is half the battle. 
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