SIstas, say it ain't so.....

please tell me it hasn't come to this... Over the holidays, a friend asked me to review her email response to her man and give my honest opinion.  I agreed and read the email which was full of spelling and grammatical errors.  Here's how the rest of the conversation went.  "So either you are a bad speller or a bad typist which is it?"  i laughed knowing the latter to be more likely..my friend holds two masters and is working on her doctorate..."oh no, i do that for him."  she responded with a straight face.  "I beg your pardon."  "I do it for him Don.  He is not an educated brother and i dumb it down to keep him up."  I just stared at her waiting for the "sike" moment.  It never came.  "You're kidding me right?"  "No I'm not."  "You're telling me that you fake your intelligence to make a man feel more secure in your relationship?"  "Yes."  she answered incredulously like I had just got off the banana boat.  Now mind you i met this brother last summer at my friend's annual barbeque.  Based on his appearance with the long white tee shirt and baggy jeans with the NY baseball cap ****ed ace duce I assumed him to be a young thug from the Bronx NY..(no offense to the boogie down peeps but hey i'm just saying) I have to admit that knowing how my uptight and snooty my girl can be i wasn't understanding the connection.  But i sat and talked to this young cat for awhile and i have to say, he was a real catch.  This young dude had the most endearing personality of any young cat under 35 that i've met in  a long time.  And he treated my friend like absolute royalty.  "So you're telling me that you purposely misspell words and make grammatical errors in your texts and emails because his writing skills are poor?"   "Yes."  straight faced again.  "and one would assume that if he cannot write properly then he has the same problem articulating his thoughts in words?"  "yes."   "and you think that's a good thing" She let out a heavy sigh.  "He's a good man and he treats me very well for the most part.  So what i compromised a little?  Isn't that what you brothers are always asking us to do?" "Yeah but we were talking about your attitude your disposition your selfishness and your stubborness but we never asked you to compromise your intelligence sis. (or did we?)  That's who you are.  How do you compromise you?"  She snatched the email out of my hand sucked her teeth and walked away.  "Don't judge me D."   "Never that Sis.  I'm your man from here to Afghanistan.  Fake ******s not your intelligence.  But it seems to me you've already judged yourself."  This exchange weighed heavily on me for the past few days so i unloaded it here as i have been known to do..

Say it ain't so sistas... say it really ain't that critical out here.. tell me it just ain' t that heavy.. if it is then we all have some real serious issues to face and overcome..

I'm open for discussion..

Daaayyyyyyyyuuuuuuummmmmm!! Oopps, my bad, DAMN!! I bet he's really cute so she looks over all of that, since you say he's endearing, treats her well, and sweet!

wow....i have never come across this ...but my question to your girl would be....instead of making errors on purpose...why would ntshe type/text to him the correct way so that he is learning not keeping him in the dark and dumb


poor things

I don't know DB! Has she ever had a BF before? The fact that she wanted you to read her email in the first place makes me wonder about her maturity when it comes to men. I mean...I know shes your friend and all but it all sounds sort of third grade to me. 

Naw...I am only speaking for myself. I would never misrepresent myself in that way. I mean if things become serious between the two of them....talking more committment etc.. etc... She going to have to put that front up FOREVER or risk being found out. Either way its not good for a relationship to pretend you are something (good or bad) you are not.      

Oh double hell no!  I would think a woman would do the opposit.  Expose him to correct English.  Put quality non fiction in front of him.  Give him easy access to self education.

Playing dumb???  Why that's just... what's the word... dumb. 

 @ Playing dumb???  Why that's just... what's the word... dumb. 

I agree with MSW,   I would think that a woman would want to pull her man up instead of the opposite.

This actually happens a lot to one degree or another,  take that show The Little Couple.  The wife is a freaking doctor, and yet she laughs and dumbs herself down for her businessman husband, not that he is dumb, but you know she has more peas in her pod.   I can't stand their marriage for that reason.

To be honest I like when you see someone who is really smart, dress and act a way that is comfortable for them at home, but can snatch it together when they are in the office.

I never try to hard to have perfect spelling and or grammar online because I have to do it so much at school.   There has to be a time when you can let your hair down.   But there is no way i'm going to stoop to a mate,  they would have to stand up and rise for me. 

Several decades ago, women were fed this nonsense regularly. Why? Because the objective was for a woman to "land" a husband.  Most women only went to college to find a husband.  If you were over 30 and not married, it was a national crime!  Woman were told not to be too smart or it will make a man feel intimidated.  If you were playing a game, let him win.  If you were in a conversation with others, don't have an opinion, "just be polite and a good listener. Men like that"  We were told to look pretty and stay slim and when you're upset, put some lipstick on "it'll make you feel better"!  What hell was it, Prozac in a tube?!  Trust me, this is not a new thing.  However, I assumed that it had gone the way of the dinosaur and just died, but apparently I was wrong.  I feel for your friend.  She is just trying to love her man and make him feel good.  I don't agree with the way she is doing it, but I'm not in their relationship and so, I can't and won't judge her.  Maybe he is very sensitive about it, so she feels as though she is easing that for him. Not sure. To me, it's sad that so many woman are still so confused about how to love and be loved.  In the end, that's all that really matters anyway. 

As for me, I have not nor would I do this.  It is my motto to love a man in a way that lifts him up and makes him stronger, not holds him down and brings him to his knees. ( well, not all the time anyway) 

 Brenda, you uh, you alright out there in that hot arizona sun baby?? 

I've had to deal with this type of situation before.  I did not dumb myself down but I didn't discuss my accomplishments because it has bothered a man or two in my past.  One guy I dated always threw it in my face that I had a college degree like it was a bad thing...  Was it my fault he only  had a high school diploma?  That was his choice.  He used to say I used big words all the time when I didn't...  It got old really quick.  He was a really nice guy and treated me well but why should I have to conceal my education and occupation to build him up?  For that reason I knew that relationhip would never last. He ended up with a woman who was on the same level educationally and professionally.  That worked for him. 

Unfortunately the disparity between black men and women getting a college education is getting greater and greater and everyone is not going to deal with it so graciously.