Rush Limbaugh

From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks

Rush Limbaugh’s creatively titled The Rush Limbaugh Show pollutes the airwaves all across the U.S. on Premiere Radio Networks, the same dick company that syndicates (or “syndickates") the likes of fellow dicks Bob Costas, Dr. Laura, and Glenn Beck. As such, Limbaugh is credited with reviving American AM radio, although you really have to wonder whether anyone would have actually missed AM radio had it been allowed to die in peace. He is also considered to be a prime force behind the so-called “Republican Revolution" of 1994, which paved the way for a fifteen-year conservative hegemony in Washington, DC. Good luck ending it now.

Early life and education

Rush Limbaugh began chubble-butting his way to sensationalistic fame and fortune from his birth on January 12, 1951, a birthday he shares with Hermann Göring, The Amazing Kreskin, Oliver Platt, and Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, you know, the one-legged super-model.

Like so many dicks before (and after) him, Rush Limbaugh grew up a child of privilege, born into one of the most esteemed lineages of Missouri, the “Show Me (Dick) State." Established in Cape Girardeau since the time of slavery—and probably owning more than several slaves itself—the Limbaugh family is one of those prominent dick families like the Bushes, the Kennedys, and the Sheen-Estevezes.

Born Rush Hudson Limbaugh III—a dick name if ever there was one—he is the son of Rush Hudson Limbaugh II, a conservative windbag and prominent attorney, himself the son of Rush Hudson Limbaugh I, also a conservative windbag and prominent attorney, who was still dicking people over via the United States legal system until his Strom Thurmond-esque death at age 104. The name “Rush" originates from the Limbaugh family’s desire to honor one of its matriarchs. Apparently she was a huge fan of Canadian prog-rock power trios.

Limbaugh cut his dick teeth doing community radio in his teens—a prime dick time period in most dicks’ lives—under the name Rusty Sharpe. This is almost as clever a pseudonym as Yahoo Serious.

It is important to note that while absolutely qualifying as a conservative windbag, Rush Limbaugh III is not a prominent attorney. In fact, he’s not even a college graduate—he dropped out after less than a year in 1970. And we’re not talking about Harvard here, either. He couldn’t even cut it at Southeast Missouri State (no offense to SMS kids, but come on…he flunked out of what was essentially community college and yet still conducts himself like he’s the smartest guy on the AM dial).

Professional career and rise to fame

For the next 15 years, Rush Limbaugh gained all the experience he’d need as America’s most influential political pundit by DJ-ing Top 40 music and directing promotions for the Kansas City Royals, arguably the crappiest team in professional sports.

It was not until the FCC’s repeal of the Fairness Doctrine, which freed TV and radio stations from having to provide equal airtime to both sides of controversial issues, that Limbaugh came into his glutinous own.

In August 1988 he spewed forth The Rush Limbaugh Show, a weekly syndicated talk show that in a mere six years appeared on more than 650 radio stations nationwide. So influential was Rush Limbaugh on the 1994 Congressional elections, the incoming Republican freshmen called themselves the “Dittohead Caucus" and named Limbaugh an “honorary member of Congress." In both cases, it’s hard to tell which is more of an insult to whom.

The Rush Limbaugh Show ushered in a whole new genre of one-sided political commentators who also a) think they’re absolutely hilarious when they’re average at best and/or b) purposefully spark outrage to increase audience size. In addition to both call-in and live interviews with high-profile politicians, Limbaugh does tired parodies with punch lines like “Hillary Clinton walks like a longshoreman." The show is also known for “comedic" segments known as “Updates," which pretty much exist just so he can play an oh-so-cleverly “inappropriate" theme song. For instance, Feminist Update, is accompanied by the song “Maybe I Mean Yes" (ha, ha); Sexual Harassment Update, “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You" (yet again, ha, ha); and AIDS Update, “I Know I’ll Never Love This Way Again" (once more: ha, ha). In this way, Rush Limbaugh has made an entire career out of baiting liberals. You might even call him a “master" baiter, if even we weren’t embarrassed by that joke.

Limbaugh is also known for peppering his strong opinions with asides, interjections, and gags, all meant to be funny, but like Keith Olbermann’s idea of funny. These include Limbaugh’s patented “Caller Abortion," in which he interrupts an unsuspecting caller with the sounds of a vacuum, followed by screams. And people call conservatives insensitive.

Another well-known bit is “Safe Talk," in which Limbaugh stretches a condom over his studio microphone. Though he claims this is to illustrate his support for abstinence-only sex education, Rush Limbaugh’s anti-condom stance most likely originates the way it does for most men: he just prefers it raw.

Perhaps Rush Limbaugh’s most rib-tickling segment was the one in which he mocked actor/stem cell advocate Michael J. Fox and said the actor was faking the tremors that are a symptom of his Parkinson’s disease. Oh, and also when he suggested on-air that African-Americans make inferior NFL quarterbacks. Oh, yeah, and also when he called veterans who were opposed to the Iraq War “phony soldiers." The guy oughta write for Saturday Night Live.

In 2007, Talkers magazine named him #1 in its “Heavy Hundred" most important talk show hosts. He also ranked #2 in its “Heavy Hundred" heaviest talk show hosts, wedged between Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O’Donnell.

Views

Rush Limbaugh’s views are just what you might expect from America’s highest-paid conservative news personality: he loves himself, he loves other conservatives and he generally forwards whatever the most extreme right-wing stance happens to be because that’s usually the most entertaining.

Annoying jargon

Another reason for Limbaugh’s success is his employment of a colorful and extensive language of on-air jargon. Among such others as “Iraqnophobia," “Drive-by media," and “Chopadickoffome" (slang for M-to-F sexual reassignment surgery), Limbaugh most famously coined the term “Femi-Nazi." Again, this is almost as clever as Yahoo Serious.

Somehow, Rush Limbaugh has cultivated a massive, cult-like following that calls itself “Dittoheads." This is not to be confused with the national photocopy chain of the same name.

Personal life

Rush Limbaugh is currently single, but has been married and divorced three times, to a radio station secretary, an usherette at the Royals Stadium Club, and an aerobics instructor, respectively, all of whose willingness to “nail the whale" apparently didn’t last more than a few years until fatty remorse set in. Want to know just what kind of a dick Rush Limbaugh is? His third marriage was performed by Clarence Thomas. At Thomas’ house.

It also turns out that Rush Limbaugh is a drug addict. In 2003, it came out that Limbaugh was illegally obtaining pain killers oxycodone and hydrocodone. Perhaps he was taking them to kill the pain of having such enormous junk food man-tits. Then in 2006, he was stopped by DEA agents at Palm Beach International Airport, returning from vacation in the Dominican Republic with someone else’s prescription Viagra. Ew.

Rush Limbaugh is also famous for smoking cigars. No non-dicks smoke cigars, at least ones that aren’t filled with indoe.