OT: The 'undateable' theory................

Ok, something different, T

Its difficult dating for a man in his 40's...why, you may ask?  I'm glad you asked (even is ur wise-ass didn't).

You mentioned something about the fact that women outnumber men (who knows what the actual ratio is these days?  I certainly don't).  With that fact, the natural assumption is that we, as men, have it easy as falling out of bed and landing on a good woman. 

The realiity is that it isn't that cut and dried.   True there are lots and lots of good, even great women out there (and that's just limiting it to black women, i'm not even venturing outside yet).  The key is to find that good one for me, personally. 

There have been wonderful sisters that I've met along the way who had great character, their hearts were in the right place blah blah blah, but sometimes you just don't click for some reason.  The chemistry just isn't right. 

In terms of undatable, I don't if there is such a thing.  Anyone can be datable.  The question comes, however, if some people are incapable of engaging in sustainable relationships? And if not, why not? 

For me, I've had "friends" tell me everything from "...you're too picky..." to "....you don't give anyone a chance..." to "....you act like you hate women...."  Granted, there have been times where I did the "one strike and ur out" method of dating, which isn't fair to them, of course.  There have been other times where I'd look at one person and "see" the other...not fair to that new person, either, for sure. 

As for it going downhill in your thirties, I guess its a matter of shifting your focus.  I know, for me, the things I valued in my twenties (since that was the last time before the divorce I was single) were far different than they are now; back then, I was purely interested in trophies and playthings.  As a single man in my 40's, however, my focus (and i'm speaking purely for ME) has grown up, for lack of a better term, in terms of what I want in a companion.  While having a beautiful woman on my arm is cool, its not the only pre-requesite now.  

You may wanna punch me in the face for this, but maybe it may be time for you to broaden your horizions.  I don't necessarily mean going for "something different" a la Ms. Naomi, for that choice isn't for everyone.  I guess I mean looking at the type of potential mates you've seen as "eligible" in the past and doing a re-evaluation.  I know I had to do that in the past several months/years and continue to do so. 

Another thing, I believe, is to look at what you may need as opposed to what you may want.  Sometimes we WANT the one who we think is good for us, where deep down what we normally wouldn't give a second thought to may be the one we actually need. 

 

hehehehehhe!!!  This IS different!!! 

I have been reevaluating my potential suitors list - more and more young guys are coming at me lately - I'd previously had a HARD rule about anybody younger than 30...... not saying it's gonna be the one - but I've decided to check out a couple young bucks.... heck - I just MIGHT have me a 'How Stella Got Her Groove Back' moment... no, wait - that young bastid was stayin at HER house, eating up HER food.... driving HER car.... ummm - NOPE!!!!  Can't do that - but there's a couple tryna holla that do have their own chit.......   then also - a 48 yr old dude (the other end of my rule is 45) that seems real nice, wants to cook for a sister - Imma try that out, see what being pampered and catered to feels like - so yea, I get what you mean about the horizons. 

Okay,

you're evaluating the youngbuck and the older head.  My question is what is it about them that would make them potential long-term mates? 

good question, D.  Here's the thing - in reevaluating and looking at ME - I realize that I've never really DATED - EVER!!!  I was engaged in my senior yr in high school till my sophmore year of college - so I didn't date then.  I left college and started working - didn't date cause I worked so much.  Lived with a dude I dated in high school for a while - again NO DATING......

then I went into frenzied freak mode where I umm... well, I didn't date....   The longest I allowed anyone around me was about 3-6 months - then DONE!!!  Meantime, I focused on building my career.

cut to mid 20's - reach the career ceiling w/no degree - queue up 2.5 years of celibacy and classwork!  LOL - after that - went into WLS journey mode - got approved, got cut, started losing, turned 30 and BOOM - dude from the frenzied days wants to be 'together' - start 4 yr relationship here.

JUST got out of that 3 months ago - so I've NEVER dated!!!!!!  I figure I need to spend 6 months to a year just getting to know that about me - because while I know I want to be in a long term relationship and I know what I CANNOT allow at the outset of one - I don't really know how to 'eyeball' or decide what else needs to be there from jump.  So I guess I am at square -1000 LOL! 

I've never believed in soulemates.  We've all got many potential compatibles out there.    The closest thing to a soulmate comes from what grows out of the relationship between a compatible man and woman.  I can't speak on other realtionships. 

Of course the baggage comes with age unles you've met the guy in the 40 yr old virgin movie.  I don't want a man without the usual life expieriences of someone my age.  If I did I'd become  cougar and leave the 40+ set alone for a young hard body.  There are good, imperfect men out there which is fine for a good imperfect woman.  They are not all refuse and rejects just flawed.  You've got to find the flaws that work with your own flaws.

I still believe common interest is the way to meet someone.  I have only ever met someone I liked doing what I found interesting.  Of course if scrap booking and needlepoint are your thing, meeting a man will be more challenging.  Were I really searching for a relationship, that's where I'd satrt.  No one is meant to be alone.  Its just hard to find the right venue to make that connection.

I truly do not believe a person is per'se UNDATEABLE.  I am a true believer that everyone have their SEASON, and if it is not your season it is not your season to meet that person.

I have been married 3 years and knowing my husband for 6 years, and STILL don't really know him 100%. In saying that it always amaze when people (WOMEN ESPECIALLY) will meet a person and all of the sudden put that person up on a trophy shelf THINKING they met the person of their dreams. My husband has grown to be a wonderful husband but he still has his flaws like I. 

It is very odd for me when a man say he can't find that person because I can think of at least 5 good independent single women compared to maybe 1 man from the top of my head. The couple men I know who are single and can't find that woman almost always carry the same trait CLINGY and NEEDY.

Although, some people marry young and stay married forever I am SO glad I didn't marry until I was in my "36", that allowed me to mature and get rid of the selfish MY and all MINE ways and prepare to share my life with someone else.

"It is very odd for me when a man say he can't find that person because I can think of at least 5 good independent single women compared to maybe 1 man from the top of my head."


Rhonda, quantity doesn't make is all that much easier.   If there are at least five, that means at least 5 to choose from.  Now, if you have, lets say, at least five to chose from, all with roughly the same positive attributes, the easiest way, IMO, to do so would be to pick the one that stands out.   The unfortunate thing is that its not always that easy / quick to pick the one that stands out. 

In saying that it always amaze when people (WOMEN ESPECIALLY) will meet a person and all of the sudden put that person up on a trophy shelf THINKING they met the person of their dreams.

Girl you just said a mouthful. I hear this **** on a daily basis and the only thing i tell them is to keep living and you will see. Not to say that the man that they are with isn't good to them (who knows what goes on behind closed doors).
This seems to be the women who have never had nothing or are always putting that man on that shelf with the trophy. Then when something happen so he now becomes the old sorry azz so n so.

I believe there is someone for everyone out there.  Some people will find a soulmate and most will find someone who is compatible.  Why?  Because you really have to know yourself and to put yourself out there to find a soulmate.  Most people are not willing to look at themselves under a microscope and put themselves out there. 

The biggest mistake people make is not taking time between relationships to pull themselves together.  Not taking the time to analyze the failed relationship so they won't make the same mistakes again.  The biggie is then letting the hurt and pain of that relationship go to be open to the next one.  You can retain lessons learned and be open.  It doesn't have to be baggage. 

I've always taken breaks between relationships.  Sometimes it's been a couple of years between relationships because I needed that time. When I was ready again I would meet these jokers who were still carrying baggage not understanding how or why I'm free from it. They thought I was cold hearted because I had no lingering hurt or ties to another person.  I ended up cutting some guys loose because they had unfinished business.  It's okay to tell someone they need to finish up some things and then come back when they are ready. 

Some people believe it takes 25% of the length of the relationship to recover.  So if you were together 5 years it would take 1 year 3 months to move on.   Some people use less time and some more but you should take whatever time you need.

The biggest mistake people make is not taking time between relationships to pull themselves together.  Not taking the time to analyze the failed relationship so they won't make the same mistakes again.  The biggie is then letting the hurt and pain of that relationship go to be open to the next one. 

This is a biggie and so true I think this is where we as single people mess up. We don't wanna be single so we grab the next thing that comes along without looking at the big picture which is "ME." Yes there is someone out there for everyone but you have to work on you first. Like Rhonda says "It has to be your season."