My Feelings Are Hurt

Friday is my big day, and my mother is taking off work to be with me. She said she was going to leave after they get me settled in my room, which she was thinking may be around 12 or 1. She wanted to go home and check on my great-grandmother who has Dementia. My grandmother will be staying with my great grandmother while I am at Surgery.

Now, normally, my grandmother stays with my great-grandmother during the day anyway, until my mother comes home, which is usually abour 3:30 or 4pm. So, staying with my great-grandmother would be a normal routine with her. On Fridays, my mother normally gets off early, and is home around 12pm, so she was just looking at it as following her normal routine. I asked her if she was going to come back later and she said "Nooo, What for?" The nurses will be there to help you out. "

Now, I love my mother and we have a fairly good relationship. However, I have always felt she put other things before me...even as a child. A lot of things in life, I had to figure out on my own because she always was busy with something else. I thought that AT LEAST as her only child is having major surgery, she could at least stay majority of the day, or if she needed to leave, would come back. When I questioned her decison, she kept bringing up Granny's needs, and etc.  Now, my 95 yr old great grandmother has dementia, but she is not bedridden. She mainly likes to sit in her room and watch TV. We just have to watch her to make sure she eats, goes to the bathroom, and walks using her walker. She is not the "wandering" type.

To be honest, I just feel really alone in this. i know it was my decision to have the surgery and go through the process, but all I wanted from my family is at least a little support. Has anyone else dealt with after surgery time by themselves? Did you do ok?  I think she figures that since I am coming home Saturday to stay with her, she will just take care of me then. But I really wanted someone there with me. Am I asking too much? I would have stayed with her or even a friend all day if I needed to, but that's just my nature. *sigh*

  NO!   NO!  NO!

   You should not be alone in the hospital when having major surgery.  You need somebody there to speak for you if something should happen and you can't speak for yourself. 

Ask a friend to come stay with you if your mother can't be there for you. 

My mom refused to take me to the hospital for my surgery - she was dead against it.  My best friend took me and stayed until I left immediate recovery and was in my room - then I was on my own. 

(((((HUGS)))))  I can understand how you feel.  My mom did not believe in family being there on surgery day period.  She was an old fashioned registered nurse and felt family needed to stay out of the way after check in and visit during normal visiting hours the next day.  Bad as it sounds, my expierience would have been more stressful had my parents still been alive because I would have felt just as hurt as you do.  Its normal to want a little of mom's pampering during life's major life events but that's just not who she is.

She may also be dealing with her own stress and anxiety over your wls ands this works best for her.  If she's stressing you'll feel it and that may not be what's best for you. 

Most people I've encountered really don't need too much help afterward.  Maybe a friend can be with you later after work?   Even if there is no one else a lot of people manage on their own.  Its emotional true but you rfocus should be rest and recuperation.  You'll make it just fine regardless of who is or is not there when you wake up. 

I completely understand what you are going through. I'm having surgery tomorrow and expected my Mom to be there with me the entire time. She told me she can't because she has to go take my Grandfather around to pay bills. I was very upset with that. Like nobody else can drive him around.I'm like this is major surgery sure it's my choice but I expected her to be there for support and to take care of me. Now I have to depend on a friend to pick me up, take me and stay there till I come out. I'm still a little hurt about it and told her but what can you do. She is some what against it but again it's my choice. Hopefully she will come to her senses and understand she should be there for you doing this time. Lord knows if anything goes wrong the last thing a parent wants to do is receive a phone call when they should've been right there to know what happened. I'll be praying for you. Good luck.

I believe your mother is doing the best she can in the situation she is in.  How about asking one of your friends to come be with you at the hospital...to relieve her when she goes to take care of your G-Grandma.  Honestly, I do not believe she is 'dissing' you...but probably feels that her presence is needed with your great-grandma due to her dementia. 

Sorry you're going through this...but, a great idea would be to have a friend or two there...maybe one can be there for a few hours and another one relieving that person.

More importantly, try and spend some time preparing your mind for surgery and recovery - that is so very important.

Prayers are with you...

Thank you all for your input. I just got back from pre-admission testing again, and I am excited all over again. I will just pray on the whole situation and maybe ask a friend or two to drop by in the afternoon. I appreciate you all!

Having a mother with Alzheimer's I totally understand her point of view but as a patient that went through the surgery I know how you feel also. When I had my surgery, my mom wasn't that bad yet just forgetful. My husband and my kids, my parents and their pastor was there for the surgery. I did not wake up to see my parents and their pastor before they left. My hubby had to leave because the kids had school the next day. He would come during the day and go back in time to be home for the kids. I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days and I slept the whole time except for when my hubby would walk me and my nurse would help me get in the shower. Maybe a good friend can stay with you. Have a speedy recovery !!!!

Girl I was soooooooo out of it!! The pope could've been there and I wouldn't have known.

Best of luck

Amanda

i didn't make my mother stay. After i got settled in she left. She came back everyday to check on me and she worked at the hospital I had my surgery at so she also came on her lunch break. But I was too tired to entertain anyway, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I didn't want her sitting around twiddling her thumbs. I didn't see it as productive. I knew she was a phone call away if I needed her.

Now that being said...I am a very independent person and I am used to doing things on my own. So it was no big deal for me. I used my mom in the capacity that I needed her. And you are not wrong if you want you your mother there. This is a very scary process so I think what you feel is normal. Maybe try talking to her again or come up with an alternative solution that will make both of you happy. Can a friend, neighbor or another family member look after granny for a few more hours while your mom is with you?