When do you cut them loose....

"As far as I can tell - men who are on the 'scene' ain't really about chit!!!  Dime a dozen players, and the rest got one or two major defects......"

Wow, T.

Not only is that generalistic, that makes it seem that there are no women out here who aren't full of chiot.  LOL. 

The standard answer is usually one of two:  a) "I don't care cuz i'm not dating women"  or b)"We learned from you all."

I know i'm not perfect, not by a long shot, but I know many sistas (strictly platonic, cuz I'd never deal with them otherwise) who do their share of playing, so gaming isn't gender specific. 


Anywho,  back to ur regularily schedule programming.  :) 

Ok - D - THANK YOU, once again for feeling the need to point out the obvious.

Just because my answer didn't ALSO state women ain't bout **** - you ASSUME that I ain't know that.  

'Preciate the clarification.  Oh, and the sky is blue.  Please feel free to post about the condition of the ground - as since I've left that out - one could also assume I know nothing of it as well. 

And as far as generalization - I SAID as far as *I* can see - now - the SMARTER response would have been to attack my limited exposure, selection or treatment of men in order to come to that conclusion, but NO, you go straight for the easy, peasy, generalization commentary.  I'm disappointed - you must be tired - usually you try harder to be a nitpicking jerk.  

Gurl...glad I popped in here for a second...don't get me started on dating...LOL...you and I have the same situation..married young and in our 40s and back in the dating world...it is NOT the same, I had a rude awakening, women have LOWERED STANDARDS..meaning they will DO ANY THING to keep a man, pay, him, buy him clothes cars, credit cards, and STILL WILL be the other women after doing all of this nonsense, and a lot of men will TAKE ADVANTAGE of the shortage of eligible marriagable decent men and play women.

Most of these fools that are OUR AGE want someone in their 20s as if 20 year old women are interested in 45 year old men ( they used them for money), and women OUR AGE are dating men in their early 30s I REFUSED TO DATE A GUY that young sorry... I do not take care of men....

But I will tella this sista did not go for it.....I dated fine men, I dated foreign men, black, white, etc...and it is HARD to find a GOOD MARRIAGE MINDED MAN that is in their 40s in 2009... MOST that ARE SINGLE and have old fashion values, meaning, working taking care of home and NOT dating 2-5 women on the side.....

A lot of women have become accustomed to SHARING THEIR MAN, in order to have a piece of one and just "settling".

You better believe if that guy is FINE (especially a brotha), SINGLE, EDUCATED, CHILDLESS and own property, and have a good job and salary...HE IS WANTED BY AT LEAST 100 SINGLE WOMEN  that is willing to do ANYTHING TO KEEP HIM...I have done the dating game and I will tella it IS not fun....

When I found Erik I really considered myself lucky..LMAO he has no children never been married and 43 years old  with a decent job and a good family man...HEY....I jumped on him and overlooked the beer gutwe are working on that.

I read online that a lot of single profressional sista have starting looking abroad in different countries for the man of their dreams, yes it is that bad out there....I am wishing you luck, I am sure there are GOOD men out there but they are hard to find.....But as beautiful as you are hopefully it will not be that hard.

You and I have talked about this several times and are on the same page.  I agree, most eligible ( that is a huge arena in itself)  black men have a harem whether they want to admit it or not.  Very discouraging.  Plus, I may not be too hard on the eyes, but Naomi, you know that there is a beautiful woman every time you turn the corner. That doesn't mean much anymore. 

I am not into sharing a man and I damn sure ain't buying a man any gifts that are not appropriate to buy, i.e a birthday gift appropriate to our relationship status.  I may buy you dinner and a card, but clothes, shoes, car, etc...??? How 'bout no.   So...when do you cut them off Nana?  What is the thing that makes you drop 'em?  When is it too early?  You know me, I'm prone to cut a man off with a quickness.  I have one foot out the door at all times.  I am not into getting my feelings hurt!  No more broken hearts for me.  Am I the scared little mouse or am I wise in doing so? 

Brenda you made some good valid points, men nowadays could really care less about looks in fact, a LOT of men don't like very beautiful women they are intimidated by very pretty women...hell look at all these very young beautiful women, that give up sex quickly have NO REGARDS for their bodies and let guy use and abuse them so in THAT regard looks really don't mean much since guys can have SKANKS at a dime a dozen that is willing to do anything this is the main reason they don't have much respect for women these days.

That reminds me of a prime example of that little rapper Lil Wayne, I hear he has about 3 women pregnant at the SAME TIME, and these are VERY pretty young girls with gorgeous, hair bodies, etc and most had a promising career...is IT THAT BAD OUT HERE???  See this is the same thing in the dating arena...most of the VERY NICE looking black men that I dated on Match.com HAD NO INTEREST in getting married they don't have too...they can get sex (from multiple pretty young women), have women cook dinner; buy them gifts etc...with no strings attached so why should he have to get married??? Being beautiful does not have the same effect in 2009 that it had in 1989..

My only advice is....and from what I experienced you need to STAY AWAY from the playas....they are kind of hard to detect, now some playas are very smooth, they will play on your ego, wine and dine you take you on romantic trips  (I had that too) they will do what it take just to get into your pants and then they MOVE TO THE NEXT VICTIM...since it is so many women seeking good men.

Here are my dating tests to see if a guy is REALLY INTO ME...and then I waste NO time on him and cut him loose.

1. No TEXTING when you first meet, if he calls daily, send emails frequently etc. this means he has good interest.
2. He REALLY COURTS you..meaning his weekends and spare time is with YOU
3. The beginning he takes you dinner, movies, etc. and PAYS FOR IT.
4. He opens the car door for you when dining out.
5. He shows you he is into you in public by touching you and looking into your eyes holding hands etc.
6. After about a month of dating he wants you to meet his family not friends but HIS FAMILY BIG DIFFERENCE.
7. If a guy is ALREADY in a relationhip, don't DO DRAMA, if  he CHEATS on his wife or long-time girlfriend then he WILL do it to you at some point.
8. Another red flag if a guy talks bad about his ex-wife or girlfriend.
9. If he says that he is only interested in dating and setting down, don't waste your time you cannot MAKE a guy ready or into you, if he IS REALLY INTO YOU... you will know it and he WILL be willing to settle down if  YOU ARE THE ONE FOR HIIM.

MY RED FLAGS...to CUT THEM LOOSE BEFORE FEELINGS ARE ESTABLISHED...

1. He likes to text you.
2. Wants you come to YOUR place for dinner rather than a restaurant
3. If he has kids, he complains that he can only date certain days
4. Is NOT ALWAYS AVAILABLE
5. You have to call him more than he calls you.
6. Have excuses about doing things together.
7. If you are NOT priority then YOU ARE NOT THE ONE....
8. Wants to have sex quickly, kissing is good enough only the first few dates or month.
9. Believe it or not men are sneaky they will PRETEND that they are really into you and if you give up sex TOO QUICKLY they WILL NOT RESPECT YOU...at least most men,  they will play along and go into the heat of passion but will think differently about you after it is over, if done too quickly.

Good luck sweetie!!

Nana, NOW THAT'S WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR!!!!!  You and Trina brought it.  Her list being very different from yours, but exactly what I was looking for.  Okay sweetheart, now this....I'm printing out and keeping close to me.  THANK YOU!!!!  Love you so much!!!

"You better believe if that guy is FINE (especially a brotha), SINGLE, EDUCATED, CHILDLESS and own property, and have a good job and salary...HE IS WANTED BY AT LEAST 100 SINGLE WOMEN  that is willing to do ANYTHING TO KEEP HIM...I have done the dating game and I will tella it IS not fun...."

Naomi,dearest, you ever ask yourself WHY that brother is wanted by "at least 100 single women..."?   Most would say that it what makes him "eligible".  Now, mind you, not one of those things you mentioned says anything about his character.  He may be average-looking, single, maybe doesn't have a Masters degree or even a Bachelors..he may have an A.A. , rents property, have a decent job and salary... that dude isn't "typically" seen as "eligible"  Further, if you take maybe twenty average black men, what percentage fit that profile suggested for eligibility?  All (highly doubtful)?  Half?  A quarter?  I don't have the stats in front of me, but I'd be willing to bet It may be about a quarter of that amount, if that much.  So, having said that, you'd have, lets say a bunch of women going after five dudes, not even giving the other fifteen so much as a sniff because he doesn't fit the profile.  Now, there is nothing wrong with preferences...we all have them, but that he has all those things doesn't mean he's a good man. It just means he's fine, single, educated, childless, owns property, has a good job with good salary...nothing there says he won't cheat on you, or physically, emotionally, verbally or mentally abuse you. 

No, this isn't an attack..just a fresh perspective. 

The older you get the less foolishness you are willing to put up,  but also the older you get the more you can tolerate defects.   

Because by the time your as****s 40 plus,  you got plenty of defects of your own that you could not see in your 20's and 30's. 

I had to reply because I am in that situation of being 40+ and finding myself single.  I actually have been single for about 9 years, but initially I had dealt with so much b/s from my marriage I wasn't looking for NOBODY and would cuss a nicca out for looking at me. I believe that part of my weight gain was the putting on of a protective shell to keep out all the hurt and mess...

Now I've mellowed and I would love to pursue a lil' something.  But it's like I've awakened to find myself in this TWILIGHT ZONE/OZ Type DATING LAND!  One of my best friends is a guy and he tells me from a man's perspective that TODAY'S women are so permissive that it's Burger King out here for brothers--they can have it their way!  He says most women have no problem sharing..sharing men, sharing their money, sharing their bodies, their cars, their homes, etc. etc. etc.  In fact, at his wedding 2 years ago, the woman he was fooling around with gave him a note saying it was up to him if he whether or not he wanted to pursue their relationship!  (He also contends that a man is only as faithful as his options, so you know what option he took when she offered to continue thangs!) So I think the problem has become that with a smorgasbord of women laid out for men these days, they test the waters to see what they can get away with. 

I agree with Lee, I believe that the older you get you can accept some of the defects you wouldn't in your 20's or even 30's 'cause your own defects have suddenly become fluorescent and tend to glow like a big dog!! But there's a difference between accepting some stuff and settling for some "ish".

I don't want to become a cynical old shrew either but I too just can't tolerate foolishness and unnecessary b/s.   Experience has installed a hair trigger and I will FIRE somebody in a heartbeat.  I'm not a woman *****quires a certain degree of education or a laundry list of other things (you gotta be able to take care of your business though ) but I sincerely believe that the most important thing in any relationship is respect.  And I equate trying to get some dumb stuff over on me with disrespect and I'm gonna call you on it.  If someone is meant to be with me he will understand that me standing up for myself  and requiring the respect I deserve comes with the territory and that should  only draw him closer.  If the situation doesn't get corrected or he he gets offended, then SEE YA.

So to answer the initial post, if I find myself experiencing some "ish" that I wouldn't even tolerate from my (grown) kids, AND it continues after I call you on it...my 'Cut it Off' meter goes off and I kindly but intently cut them off with the quickness!!

 

 

I agree with all ya' all. I was 32 when I got divorced, and I never thought it would take me more than 4-5 years to find another husband. Well ............... it took me over 20 years to find that guy! Now in all that time, I dated, and dated, and dated some more. I finally said Oh f@#$$% this chiot!!! and stopped dating altogether. The guys in their 40's considered themselves bona fide playas that wanted to string you along for their own enjoyment. I left that alone, took care of me, and in a couple of more years, I met my husband. No one was more surprised than I was. When the playas find out that you're not going for the okey doke they either leave you alone, or step up their game. But whatever you do, don't lower your standards to meet theirs.