O/T How did you transcend? (Long Post) - Viewer Discretion Advised

Your family of origin.

While I have decided to put my doctoral studies on pause for a moment...I have a research interest related to both critical media literacy AND first generation college attendees. There is little research out there...specifically as it relates to African American first generation college attendees...of which I am one.

I am curious as to what were the precipitating factors that prompted some of us to transcend our dysfunctional  families of origins (i.e. stop the vicious cycle of drug abuse, teenage pregnancy etc.. etc..).  I know for some it might have been a strong belief in God or a higher power for others it might have been a positive role model ...the list goes on.

I only want to know whatever you are willing to share...because I know that not all are as open as me and some others on this board.  I often talk about how reading Maya Angelou's  book, "i Know Why The Caged Bird Sings changed my life.  One thing that came out of the sex related post the other day that I really enjoyed...was hearing Isaiah54mom share her testimony.  I honestly think that this is one of the best things that we can do as black people is share about what we have survived in life!! Because we are all going through it sometimes.... You just never know who you might touch and give a little bit of hope.

As I was saying...Maya Angelou's book changed my life. Before I read it...i was really on a self destructive path. My mother (whom I love dearly and have since forgave) had sent me to live with my grandmother after I confided in her that my step father was sexually abusing me. I was about 8 years old at the time. When I arrived at my grandmothers home...I quickly learned that life was about to deal me another devastating blow... My two teen aged uncles started sexually abusing me too. I learned that my grand mother (whom I loved dearly) was an alcoholic...so she really did not pay any attention to what was going on with us.  Not to  mention the fact that I was abused by one of her boyfriends, a white man at the fruit stand and my Uncle's uncle tried to abuse me too at this point I had had enough. I jumped out of his car as it was going down the highway.... I was spared...got through with only some scrapes and bruises.  I kept all these dirty secrets for years....I was scared to tell...because I was always threatened with death or death of someone I loved. I rebelled because I simply felt I had no control over what was going on in my life. I started to steal and became a compulsive over eater...the two things I could control. Not that there is ever an excuse....but I stole clothes mainly...because I got tired of wearing the hand me downs from my UNCLES....dayum...they couldn't even hand me down girl clothes.   I ended up in the juvenile justice system..... I quickly found out that people would also take advantage if you were in this situation...once you have a record...because who would believe a thief. On one occasion....some people tried to falsely accuse me of stealing from them. The judge spared me because she could tell the people and police were lying. Divine intervention for me. 

It was at this time that I got my hands on a copy of Maya Angelou's book. I breathed that book night and day. I related to this woman...who was also sexually abused...a woman that went on to become a phenomenal success despite her history!!! I thought to myself.... If she can do it...so can I!!! I started to focus in school. I told my uncles that if they touched me again...I would KILL them in their sleep. They had me blaming myself all those years for something that was not my fault.  The self hatred was killing me. I quickly learned in my latter years that I had to forgive them...to release the hold they had on my life. Plus I did have faith that things would be resolved for me in the end....I did not have to be the judge.

... AND I DONT DO SECRETS ANY MORE....hence my broad boundaries and OPEN BOOK frame of mind. Its healhtier for ME!  I  My mother came back into my life...and I just took thing in stride....with the ultimate outcome of getting out on my own. I did not just make it in school...I excelled. I was promoted from the 10th to the 12th grade and graduate early. In college I was the youngest freshman in my dorm.

In my sophomore year...I saw that my sister was having difficulty at home. ( I know that she was never sexually abused...because she knew about me...and would have confided....but she was emotionally abused...not having a strong parental figure.  My mom was working a lot and my stepfather has become involved with drugs.  I asked my mom if my sister could come live with me....I wanted her out of that environment. My mother agreed and gave me custody of my 14 year old sister....I was 18 years old at the time (barely legal). I tried to parent my sister....but she missed her friends too much. She ran my phone bill up to $500 in one month. For a student on work study...that was just too much for me. There were other issues so after the year...my sister returned home.  The following year.....my sister ended up missing.

I carry this guilt like a Scarlet Letter....I often wonder if I just tried to keep her with me a little longer would it have made a difference....but then I know that our lives are planned out for us before we are even born.

Of course there are so many other details...that I can expound on here and I am only sharing this all to make a point.  i know that WE ARE SOME STRONG BLACK PEOPLE.  AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER WE HAVE ALL BEEN THROUGH SOMETHING.

I guess this is the main reason I was so UPSET about the school district not airing OBAMA's speech. Who knows...what young mind it could have impacted....could have made a difference. Could have inspired a child who would gone home that day...to hide in a closet from her abusers (believe me...as I write...a child is in hiding). Could have inspired a young man...who does not have a father figure in his life to TRANSCEND his family or origin...to want to do something of his life. If a book could do that for me....hell...I know the First Black President of the United States would make an impression on one of our kids!!!!

I am so proud of myself for TRANSCENDING. I might not be perfect but I am NOT so many things that I could have been. Yes I was raised in the Ghetto....and you know what they say about that.... Guess what I don't ever want to forget the Ghetto ....it humbles me everyday to look at others with compassion...and to not judge...as best I can.

I might have spoke about "God Forbide" SEX the other day.....but I am the same person with integrity that helps out others when I can. I walk in my sisterhood with pride...and share in our mission....service to all mankind. This is why I chose to work in the field of human service. It kept me humble everyday.  The most devastating story that I had ever heard was that of a Heroin addict that had all of her five children die in a fire. She had left them alone to go cop drugs. I ask you how could a person live with that GUILT! Only through faith and the belief in a higher power of which it can be turned over. Does not have to be the GOD of our childhood. I know that I hated God for a while....told him so...because as a child I did not think my God liked black people. Why else would he let me go through all I endured. I saw that white hand (representing God in the pictures) come out of the clouds...but it did not come to SAVE ME!!! I had to make my GOD or higher power very personal. When I envision my higher power, I envision...all of my deceased relatives...who have gone on before...even all the way back to Africa.  They are my higher power...they give me strength.  The slaves that endured all of those brutalities....hell...my life has been mild in comparison. Think about it!!!              

So...I am curious people.....what helped you to TRANSCEND any obstacle in your life....or your family of origin. Speak on it!!!! Never know who you might help!!!

 

 

       

basically  you told  my story  i  am   friend of Dr bill and Dr bob  also a survivor  of  sexual abuse physical and mental abuse my parents  if they were  alive would be 98 and 88 i live Thur the real racism movement of the 1950 1960 i remember  having Christmas from the dump setting in the back yard of someone house while my mother cleaned their house  in the Texas sun and rain  having parents that was scared to talk about sex when i asked about it or an intelligent question about it or anything else i got beat with a fan belt off Car  no child protective in them  day  it came to be when they integrated schools to protect white children i got pregnant  to leave home because Ikey they  would  make us marry  then i was so scared of having to return home i WALKED thru the zoo at 300am  for school  in Houston Texas  had the second largest average in pharmacy this state the person with the highest had  99  i had 98.5  my instructor said an asshole  had my that grade that's how she congratulated me in 1977 when she gave me  my award my husband  before went to college gave me gonorrhea  spHLISS and crabs all  at one time       oh  but there  is a loving  GOD  YOU CAN'T  MAKE   DOUBT HIMI KNOW TO MUCH   ABOUT  HIM      I WILL WRITE MORE BUT MY COMPUTER   IS ACTING UP   THIS  IS A  GOOD  TOPIC C

Oh...Bonnie...thank you for that powerful testimony. I personally believe that when we are put through things like this....its selfish for us to keep it to ourselves. I know that I had found my purpose through my suffering. When I had this epiphany....my whole life made sense.

You are truly a strong woman....and man on man do I remember the racial issues I had in the south.  While I was not aware of it in the the 50s are 60s...I definitely had close calls in the 80s. Remember there was a home made sign posted about 15 miles where I went to school in Northern Arkansas....said...N word don't let the sun set on you here. I believe they copied it from somewhere else but it got the point across.

I think this is the most disheartening thing. When you know IT can be done. That people can change their lives...and yet...there are so many young people...that have not a clue. Killing each other and themselves.  We just have too reach out to them one at a time...if that's what it take.... Unfortunately...most of them are lost...and its really a sad state of affairs.

Peace to you...thanks for the inspiring words! 

 

...interesting MD...

isn't it amazing that some folk have an "inner strength" about them...that they can push through all types of difficulty. 

i really admire those folks in my own family like this.  (i have many of them.)

i really admire those folks who are my acquaintances like this. (i have many of them.)

i found out a year or so ago about the first black female to earn her doctorate in dental surgery in the United States.  Her name was Ida Gray................and she did it back in the 1800's....and was a family member of mine.  (Reading her story made me say...."WOW...what a strong and determined woman.")  my daughter who is a doctoral student was ready to give up...i sent her information on our ancestor...and she's been pushing through ever since.

Exactly Birdman!  See how effective just reading about someone else that overcame an obstacle CAN be.  And the fact that Dr. Gray was YOUR relative (that's wonderful!!!) made her success even more meaningful to your daughter. Kudos to you for intervening in that way.  I honestly feel that this is ONE of the keys needed to help this new generation. I applaud the schools that have exceptional and motivational reading programs. I feel the only thing that is missing is that they DON'T necessarily target African American books (ones in which our youth can relate on a personal level) to OUR youth. I think that this needs to happen in the school as well because unfortunately...we have many parents that simply don't give a dayum!

My sorority sponsors a National African American Read In function each year. At least on a small scale we try to expose our youth to books written by and about African Americans.  Its amazing to see those kids face light up when they see some of the positive things that WE are doing!

I challenge everyone on BAF....if you haven't done it already. Buy an African American Book, an inspiring one.... (they are cheap at Ollies and other outlet stores) and donate to a shelter or give one to a needy child. It just might make a difference in some child's life! 

Thanks for sharing Birdman....just hearing about your daughter was uplifting!



   

I have no story to tell.  My life sounds like a scene from father knows best or leave it to beaver in comparison.  I'm not a first generation grad nor is what I have transended impressive. 

I admire you and other men and women like you who have crossed chasms to transcend your history.  You are the people I think about when I feel like life is too hard.  That is my reminder that there is always a way to my goals.

Thanks for sharing this. 

Hey MSW!

Thanks for taking the time to post. I share all this just to say that as human beings we really need to try to be mindful of how we treat and talk to others. You really never know what someone might be going through in life. The thing that I have noticed about you and your post is that you are very open minded....and you do not pass judgment on others as best as I can tell.  These are admirable qualities. The larger issue is not that you have not been through or experienced a tragic life or hard times...the issue is that you can be compassionate to others who have...or at least give a person space to be themselves. As I see it...as long as a person is not harming anyone else...they should be able to be free to be themselves.

Whenever I am interacting with someone...especially if they are acting strange or doing anything out of sorts....I often think to myself...I wonder what is up with that person? I often think if someone had intervened with a little compassion and perhaps understanding...if the Virginia Tech killings could have been prevented....if the Columbine killings could have been prevented. I mean in both cases....these people were taunted for their odd ways. Not saying that there is ever an excuse to take anothers life...but sometimes I know a fuse will blow if a person is taken to a certain point.  I wish I knew then what I knew now perhaps I could have intervened with my sisters boyfriend or tried to get him help. As it stands NOW after the fact, I am in an adversarial role...because of my mission to get justice.  

I really think children that ACT OUT really get it harsh sometimes!  Some people look at the outward behaviors and never really stop to think Gee...why is this child acting out so much? Are they attention seeking? Perhaps....but why? Are they rebellious? Perhaps but why. I honestly don't think that people...specifically children...want to be bad for the sake of being bad.  So this is why we need to all do our best to reach out to these young people!

I thank you for always being supportive on here to myself and others.   

  My mother has told me the stories of how they used to go to the Mississippi Delta to pick cotton when she was young.  It was hours away from home so they used to stay for a week at a time in a camp.  One woman would always stay behind to take care of everybody else’s children and there were a LOT of children. After she married my father they became sharecroppers for a time. Eventually our family moved to town. Daddy got a job at the lumber mill. Mama worked as a maid/cook/nanny/sitter/whatever she could find. One day she came home from work early and she was angry. She had been at a home and had prepared breakfast for the family and was starting to do the remaining housework. The “lady" of the house decided to do Mama a favor and offer her breakfast. She had scraped the leftovers that she and her family had picked over into a plate. Something that you would offer a dog. Mama walked out and didn’t look back. She found another housekeeping job soon afterward. She used to get up while it was still dark and work in the garden for a few hours.  Then she would wash up and walk to work about two miles each way.  She wore that uniform that every black woman who did domestic work wore back then - that white dress with the white nursing shoes and the umbrella to shield her skin from the sun.  One of my fondest memories is of her bringing me a magnolia blossom that she had picked from the white peoples’ tree.  It smelled sweet, like citrus.  

The house where we lived… No running water except the toilet. My older siblings used to have to carry the water in buckets from the spigot outside.  Our drinking water was dipped out of a bucket with a tin ladle.  We bathed in washtubs in water that had been heated on the stove. There were holes in the floor. You could look through the cracks and see the ground.  It was so cold in the winter. Mama tacked up cardboard on the walls to try to keep the heat in the house.  She would put up quilting frames and piece together quilts from old clothes to keep us warm.  Because we had a garden and chickens we ate well. 

I adored my daddy. He was one of those people who never should have married though. He enjoyed being in the streets too much.   

Growing up in Mississippi during Jim Crow was a strange time.  Some things you accepted because it was “normal" but others left you feeling demoralized.  Segregated waiting rooms at the doctor’s office. Not being allowed to sit inside the diner to eat.  Sitting in the back of the bus. My brother operated the projector at the movie theater and I always sat with him in the booth.  All of the black people used to have to go in through a little side door that led up to the balcony.  I never would drink soda or eat while I was there because I didn’t want to have to use their bathroom.  Nothing like the smell of old urine and popcorn...   

When they desegregated the schools it was a culture shock for everybody involved. I had a teacher that called us little niggra children. I’d heard the other “N" word, but that one was new to me. I lived in constant fear that one of the white kids that Mama babysat would out me for wearing their hand me down clothes.   

Throughout it all, Mama would tell us to take advantage of every opportunity.  By example she showed me not to take crap from anybody.  The importance of getting a good education was stressed in our home. When she was a child, their school only went to 6^th grade.  Mama went to night school to get her GED when I was in high school.  We graduated the same year.  

WOW So Blessed!

That was truly a remarkable life story. I enjoyed reading every word. Not because you and your family went through all that....but because despite it ALL you remained tight as a family. Your mother is a WONDERFULLY AMAZING woman. Just another example of how despite it all....we women will hold it down when the going gets tough.  Despite everything....she instilled values in you AND ensured that her kids HAD hope and aspirations.  The fact that you and your mother graduated the same year...literally brought tears to my eyes. I can only imagine the joy both of you must have felt during that time. Supporting each other to accomplish your common goal!

Gurl....I am speechless.  The thing that sticks out in my mind the most...is that your families legacy took a dramatic shift due to your mom's actions....pushing you all to another level by reinforcing your need to get an education. This is how we change those cycles. 

Congratulations on all that you have accomplished and ARE doing to keep the legacy alive with your kids!   
   

Thank you so much.  Mama has raised three generations - a nurse, an engineer/musician, a police officer, an Army chaplain, an IT specialist, a CIA agent, an Air Force officer and an artist.  Three of us have graduate degrees.

We push our girls to work hard because I know how hard it is out there in the world if you are not prepared.  Mediocrity is not an option in my house.